Spade Racing Opens a Box of Panini PRIZM Cards, Part 2 of 12

Pack 2: A Driver to Remember, A Reality Bender, and a Career Ender

FIRST LOOK: Oh Quin Houff.  Cup was never meant for a driver as wonderful as you.  And even though you lacked talent, experience, sponsorship, results, and the second N in your first name, you did Derrike Cope proud.

TO THE BACK: Wow—now THAT is a trippy-looking background.  I’m guessing that’s how it would look if you smoked whatever adhesive is used to keep the Coke bottle attached to Suarez’s hand.

SAY WHAT: “Who knew that a money laundering scheme and playing both sides against the middle was a bad career move?”

RATING: 7 Stage Breaks out of 10

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Track “Facts”: Martinsville

Nascar races on all sorts of tracks, from short to long, oval to road course, concrete to asphalt.  Here’s a weekly look at all the tracks of Nascar’s National Touring Series.

MARTINSVILLE SPEEDWAY

0.526 mile asphalt and concrete short track

Opened 1947

Lights?  Yes

Series: Cup, Xfinity, Trucks

Nicknames: The Paperclip, Half Mile of Mayhem, The Smooth Track with the Rough Crowd

THREE FUN FACTS:

1. Unlike most tracks that give out a trophy to race winners, Martinsville gives out grandfather clocks, decreasing in size from a full-size model for the Cup Series winner to a miniature for Xfinity and Truck Series winners.  I’m guessing if they had an ARCA race there they’d get a grandfather wristwatch.

2. Martinsville is the only track in Nascar with a hybrid racing surface, with concrete covering most of the turns.  This is a phenomenon only seen outside of racing in 7-Eleven parking lots.

3. Martinsville is also well-known for their famous hot dogs, which would be like if, say, Lambeau Field was famous for its delicious mustard, or if Augusta National was renowned for having really well-balanced sodas.

 

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February 1st, 2048: Electronic Drug Sponsors Finally Allowed in Nascar

After numerous legal challenges and a multi-month standoff with one of the sport’s biggest teams, Nascar has finally relented and will allow electronic drug companies to sponsor cars in its four national touring series this season.

“This has not been an easy path, but we’re proud to say we’ve reached our destination”, said Joe Beeson, Chief Marketing Officer for Teknik, the world’s leading electronic drug.  “We will have our logos displayed across the number 31 Chevrolet Caprice race car this year, and it will no doubt help us promote our safe form of electronic enjoyment to consenting adults.”

So-called “e-drugs” have been a lightning rod of controversy since they boomed in popularity several years ago after the Antarctic War.  Radio, television, and holographic media have all banned their advertisement, limiting their promotional activities to the sports world.

“This isn’t about controversy, this is about freedom”, explained team owner Bonnie Milan.  “We just want to make adults 21 and older aware that they can use Teknik responsibly to take themselves on brief, mind-altering mental vacations—and watch the 31 Chevy tear up the track at Daytona, Bristol, and the New Jersey Street Course.”

“We’ve already seen great returns since our major promotional blitz began two years ago”, CMO Beeson said.  “From our sponsorship of Major League Parkour to obtaining naming rights to Teknik Field, home of the Nashville Orioles, we’re showing the world that if you can’t compete as a major leaguer, you can at least party like one, all within the confines of your own brain.”

Nascar clarified that any teams with e-drug sponsorship will be forced to devote at least 20% of the paint scheme to responsible electric-tripping messages, as well as not allowing its drivers to talk in commercials.

IN OTHER NEWS: Kevin Harvick’s “Hair” Celebrates 50th Birthday

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