Tuesday, December 6, 2022

Spade Racing presents: The Hero Card Project—Overtime



Well I thought I was done with Hero Cards for the year—then I got two late submissions in late November!


An autographed Ross Chastain hero card from Trackhouse

Four hero cards from RFK


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Monday, December 5, 2022

Musically Declined: Stock Car Racing’s Entertainers of the Year, I’m Doing the Best with What I’ve Got/T-Bone


Stock Car Racing and Country Music—two pillars of culture in the Southern United States.  And the two have mingled throughout the years.  So put on your racing shoes, make sure they match your cowboy hat, and settle in for a look back at some of Nascar’s biggest stars turned Nashville wannabes!


The Songs: I’m Doing the Best with What I’ve Got by David Gillon & T-Bone by Ross/Hanna


The Star: Dave Marcis & Richard Childress


The Clip: 



The Review: Hey Dave—nice attempt at singing!  You’ve always been good at doing more with less.  Just one word of advice—enunciate on “Chevy” or it’ll sound like a descriptor of most of your cars in the late-90’s.  Oh, and what’s with “I eat dill pickles”?  Hey Richard—nice voice!  Just one word of advice—I’m not a racer, but wouldn’t “the greatest fear of a racer’s life” be a fiery wreck, not just a “T-Bone”?  Oh, and wouldn’t YOUR greatest fear be Ricky Rudd strangling you?


The Verdict: Surprisingly good songs here—and that’s not the “Tangential Earnhardt Factor” talking.


Sunday, December 4, 2022

May 22nd, 2024: Chase Elliott Changes First Name Back to Clyde



In response to his slow start to the 2024 Nascar Cup season, Chase Elliott has informed the media that as of this weekend’s Coke Molecular 600, he would like to be referred to by his given name, Clyde Elliott.

“Its time for a change”, Elliott told the assembled media at Charlotte Motor Speedway.  “All my life I’ve been going by another name that’s not really my own.  Well, that changes today—call me Clyde.”

Since narrowly missing out of the 2023 Nascar Cup Championship to teammate Kyle Larson, Elliott has had a dreadful start to the year.  While sponsors Napa and HootersBlockchain have pledged their support, Elliott has taken responsibility for a turnaround on himself.

“With my new—or should I say, REAL—name, there’s no more excuses”, Elliott said.  “As far as I’m concerned, the 2024 season starts now for Clyde Elliott and everyone on this team—the buck stops here, and the winning starts now.”

Hendrick Motorsports CEO Jeff Gordon pledged his support to Elliott as the season goes forward.

“Everyone at HMS is behind Clyde 100%”, Gordon said.  “The only downside is that Geoff(rey) Bodine is taking credit for doing this first.”


IN OTHER NEWS: Dillon Brothers Sweep 11th & 12th Place for RCR.

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Tuesday, November 29, 2022

Spade Racing Opens a Box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards, Pack 22 of 24



Join us (well, me) as we/I go through a box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards.  New teams, new drivers, new subsets, and of course some corny commentary by me.


Pack 22—A Prospect, Stats Circumspect, and Punny Dreck


FIRST LOOK:
Sam Mayer is the wave of the future, but so far its looked like he’ll be the “wave of the future” for many years to come, unfortunately.


TO THE BACK:
With little success in Cup, maybe its not a good idea to mention the total number of starts, guys.  “He hasn’t won, and he hasn’t really contended, but he’s been here for a long time!”


SAY WHAT:
“Look, just get your dye puns out of the way.  Then you can move on to ‘Double-D’ jokes.”


RATING: 5 green-white-checkers out of 10


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Monday, November 28, 2022

SPAD3 RACING INTRODUCES HYPNOSIS SERVICE AS NEWEST SPONSOR


Special Protective Advance Defense Department Detachment (SPAD3) Racing is proud to announce that a new sponsor has joined their team for the rest of the season—Giant Hypnosis Services.

“We’re proud to bring such a dynamic new partner to the team”, said SPAD3 Racing public relations director Stacey Fox.  “Hypnosis has so many uses, from everyday applications like cutting ahead in line at the DMV, to helping to overthrow a dictatorship.  Its so versatile.”

SPAD3 Racing has already begun using Giant Hypnosis Services around the shop.

“We got some introductory courses and a really useful hypo-coin”, said team principal Kent Simms.  “We were having a little, well, lets say ‘disagreement’ with our crew chief (Mike Henshaw) and after introducing him to some of these new methods, he fell right in line.”

The team has said their use of hypnotism is only starting.

“There’s so many uses in motorsports for hypnotism”, said marketing director Ed Calloway.  “We’ve been talking to our spotter about ‘convincing’ the other spotters there’s a slew of wrecks on the tracks.  And Operation Saint Cowboy should be a cinch now.”


You WILL visit SPAD3.com


Sunday, November 27, 2022

December 3rd, 2023: All-Star Race to be Run “Backwards” at Daytona



In a move that came as a shock to virtually everyone in the sport, Nascar announced today that the 2023 NasCrypto All-Star Race will be held at Daytona International Speedway—where it will be run in a clockwise direction.

“This is decision 70+ years in the making”, said Nascar spokesperson Claire Miller.  “Ever since Nascar began in 1948, every oval race has been held with left-hand turns. Well, this year drivers will ‘go fast, turn right’ in this special non-points event.”

The race will be 100 laps long, broken into four identical 25-lap segments.  Any driver to win the “backwards” race will get 100,000 NasCrypto, while if a driver sweeps all four that number will be doubled, equaling approximately $40,000 USD.

“This will definitely be a challenge for all of us”, said two-time Nascar Cup Champion Kyle Larson.  “Most of us only turn right at the dozen or so road course races.  But we’ll be ‘running the wrong way’ in this fun non-points event.  It’ll be like a Polish Victory Lap every lap—and hey, Alan Kulwicki said it, so don’t @ me.”

Standard rules will be in place, allowing all race winners from 2023 and the first twelve races of 2024 to qualify, in addition to the winner of the NasCrypto Open qualifying race.  Furthermore, the “fan vote” will be replaced by the leader in rookie points, currently Hailie Deegan.

“This will be a great way to excite our fanbase”, Miller said, “and there’s no better place to do this than Daytona.  Heck, if IndyCar can have four races a year at IMS, why can’t we?”


IN OTHER NEWS: Bubba Wallace Welcomes New Sponsors Bubba Burgers, B-Dubs, Hubba Bubba, and Mediocre Manufacturing Corp.

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Tuesday, November 22, 2022

Spade Racing Opens a Box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards, Pack 21 of 24



Join us (well, me) as we/I go through a box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards.  New teams, new drivers, new subsets, and of course some corny commentary by me.


Pack 21—Gray, Stay, and Dismay


FIRST LOOK:
Its a gray version of the regular card.  That’s it.  Not a different picture.  Not a limited edition.  Not a subset.  Not even a bright color border.  Just.  GRAY.


TO THE BACK:
Here we see the importance of perseverance in Nascar, as well as “putting your name out there”.  Granted, it helps when that name is also attached to a current broadcaster and a former Cup champion.


SAY WHAT:
“Why did I shave my mustache off?  Biggest mistake of my life.”


RATING: 7 stage points out of 10


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Monday, November 21, 2022

Musically Declined: Stock Car Racing’s Entertainers of the Year, The Man Geoff Bodine


Stock Car Racing and Country Music—two pillars of culture in the Southern United States.  And the two have mingled throughout the years.  So put on your racing shoes, make sure they match your cowboy hat, and settle in for a look back at some of Nascar’s biggest stars turned Nashville wannabes!


The Song: The Man, Geoff Bodine by Jeannie Seely & Jay Marshall


The Star: Geoff Bodine (obviously)


The Clip: 



The Review: Wow.  This is…bad.  So much cringe.  From Geoff pretending to be country (dude’s from New York State) to his warbling voice to the self-aggrandizing title.  Then again, Geoff Bodine having an inflated sense of self-importance is the most Geoff Bodine thing I could ever imagine.


The Verdict: Straddles the line between “so bad its good” and “unlistenable”.


Sunday, November 20, 2022

June 11th 2023: Ross Chastain’s “Flaming Melon” Celebration Goes Horribly Wrong



One of Nascar’s most-tolerated post-race celebrations went awry this afternoon, with race-winner Ross Chastain’s first—and likely last—“Flaming Melon” celebration injuring nine.

“This wasn’t how it was supposed to be”, Chastain said from the infield care center, where he was treated for first-degree burns.  “We tried it back at the shop a few times, and there were no issues.  Maybe my PR guy got the wrong lighter fluid?”

Several members of the Nascar of Fox team were taken to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries caused by debris from the flaming, flying produce.

“We’re happy to say that while several members of our crew were injured, they are all expected to make a complete recovery”, said a spokesman for Fox Sports.  “The biggest tragedy of all, of course, is that Michael Waltrip escaped completely unharmed.”

Chastain is not expected to be penalized, although today’s disaster will likely bring “exotic” post-race celebrations into question.

“First it was Chase Briscoe doing a victory lap in a tractor”, said Chastain, “then it was Chase Elliott eating an entire air filter.  I was just trying to keep up.  I guess its a good thing Kyle Busch hasn’t won yet—nobody wants to be sprayed with battery acid.”

Teammate Daniel Suarez, meanwhile, is expected to continue his “Jockey shorts for all” giveaway for every race win.


IN OTHER NEWS: Circuit of the Americas Repainted: “Fresh COTA Paint” Puns Abound


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Tuesday, November 15, 2022

Spade Racing Opens a Box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards, Pack 20 of 24



Join us (well, me) as we/I go through a box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards.  New teams, new drivers, new subsets, and of course some corny commentary by me.


Pack 20—Racing in the Dark, A Little off the Mark, and a Foodie Lark


FIRST LOOK:
“Remember when racing at night was special?” “No, because local short tracks raced under the lights for decades, you bitter old man.”


TO THE BACK:
Don’t have a nickname for every driver if every driver doesn’t have a nickname, guys.


SAY WHAT:
“Go ahead—try and name a food company that ISN’T one of my sponsors—I dare ya!”


RATING: 8 caution laps out of 10



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Monday, November 14, 2022

SPAD3 RACING CREWMEMBER STOPS ROBBERY ATTEMPT


In addition to being one of NASCAR Cup’s most-efficient pit crews, Special Protective Advance Defense Department Detachment (SPAD3) Racing recently had a crew member stop a robbery attempt with his bare hands.

“Oh, I’m no hero”, said tire carrier Mike Treadwell.  “I was just buying some sodium pentathol at the store and saw someone try and take some phones without paying for them.  Well, he’ll be paying for them now—in jail.”

Onlookers were stunned at the quickness and efficiency that Treadwell foiled the thief, using nothing more than his bare hands.

“Well, I guess being on a pit crew has its advantages, teaching me efficiency of movement”, said Treadwell, “but my athletic background has its pros as well.  I mean, you don’t wind up in an elite security force first for five years without a little upper-body strength.”

While the store’s manager wished to reward Treadwell, the humble crew member refused any prize.

“I’m just doing my job as a helpful citizen”, Treadwell reasoned, “and I think any highly-trained soldier who knows 25 ways to kill a man with a shoelace would do the same thing.”

Treadwell is expected to rejoin the team at the next race after a debriefing.


SPAD3.com—its a steal!


Sunday, November 13, 2022

Spade Racing Presents: The Future



Thanks to a combination of government surplus technology, chemicals in the water here in Delaware, and a massive internal head injury, I was recently able to see into the future of Nascar.  Join me as we look months, years, and decades into future and see where this sport we love will take us.


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Friday, November 11, 2022

Spade Racing’s 2022 Wrap-Up (and Offseason Preview)



Well, the 2022 Nascar season is done and dusted.  Races were won, cars were wrecked, and drivers were concussed.  But now we get to look forward to the offseason!  Late driver moves!  Sponsorship shifts!  And crew chief swaps galore!


But there’s no offseason here at Spade Racing!  Here’s what you can look forward to:


—Continuing Musically Declined & SPAD3 pieces through the end of the year.

—Card posts continuing on Tuesdays.

—A new series (preview coming this weekend) each Sunday until the 2023 Clash.


Uncle Max WILL return in 2023, although his competition may move from a random source (like a roulette wheel) or a consistent source (repeat winners) to a more sinister source (stay tuned).  Here’s how the standings wound up:


TRUCK SERIES zero wins

XFINITY SERIES 11 wins

CUP SERIES:

REPEAT WINNERS 1 win

THE ROULETTE WHEEL 0 wins

FAVORITE 3 wins

NEXT FAVORITE 2 wins 

DARK HORSE 3 wins


3 in Their Third Final Grades:

1.) Christopher Bell (Joe Gibbs Racing).  2022 Best Race Finish: 1st (New Hampshire,  Charlotte ROVAL & Martinsville).  PRETTY Grade: A+

2.) Tyler Reddick (Richard Childress Racing).  2022 Best Race Finish: 1st (Road America, Indy & Texas). PRETTY Grade: A.

3.) Cole Custer (Stewart-Haas Racing).  2022 Best Race Finish: 8th (Bristol).  PRETTY Grade: D

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Tuesday, November 8, 2022

Spade Racing Opens a Box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards, Pack 19 of 24



Join us (well, me) as we/I go through a box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards.  New teams, new drivers, new subsets, and of course some corny commentary by me.


Pack 19—A Shredded Tire, Additional Tyler, and a Playoff Smiler


FIRST LOOK:
A memorabilia swatch piece!  I’m a little worried that this tire swatch as a noticeable hole in it—here’s hoping it didn’t cause a wreck.


TO THE BACK:
Ah yes, Corning California, not to be confused with Corning New York.  Or that OTHER Corning New York, for that matter.


SAY WHAT:
“I appreciate your restraint from simply ogling Toni Breidinger.”


RATING: 8 hot laps out of 10


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Monday, November 7, 2022

Musically Declined: Stock Car Racing’s Entertainers of the Year, Super Speedway Man/The Iceman’s Hot


Stock Car Racing and Country Music—two pillars of culture in the Southern United States.  And the two have mingled throughout the years.  So put on your racing shoes, make sure they match your cowboy hat, and settle in for a look back at some of Nascar’s biggest stars turned Nashville wannabes!


The Songs: Super Speedway Man by Hiett/Marshall & The Iceman’s Hot by Jay Marshall


The Stars: Ron Bouchard & Terry Labonte


The Clip: 



The Review: First we have a heavy use of banjo as Ron BOOO-shard rhapsodizes about Nascar’s biggest tracks.  Considering his lone Cup win came at Talladega (or “Talladeger” as he says here), that checks out.  Next we have the reigning champion echoing his way through a surprisingly-rocking beat.  Ain’t gonna lie—the music had me bopping my head.  Terry’s “till I reach the toooo-oooooopppp”, not so much.


The Verdict: Cheesy stuff from Ron, but Terry’s music slaps.


Sunday, November 6, 2022

Nascar Cup Championship Preview: Tale O’ The Tape



How do the four championship drivers compare to each other?  Well, let’s find out, shall we?


Performance to Expectations

Joey Logano: As expected

Christopher Bell: Much better

Chase Elliott: Good, but disappointing to him

Ross Chastain: Insanely good (in that you’d had to have been insane to pick him for the Championship 4)

ADVANTAGE: Chastain


Competition Personality

Joey Logano: Gratingly ingratiating, occasionally wrecky

Christopher Bell: Obscure, low-key

Chase Elliott: Popular with fans but strangely self-critical

Ross Chastain: Bull in a china shop, melon-based

ADVANTAGE: Elliott


“Legends” to Run Their Car Number

Joey Logano: Ward Burton, Dave Blaney

Christopher Bell: Greg Sacks, Erik Jones

Chase Elliott: Lake Speed, Dave Mader III

Ross Chastain: THE Rick Mast, Morgan Shepherd

ADVANTAGE: Logano


Celebrity Connection

Joey Logano: Appeared on Raw that one time

Christopher Bell: Shares a name with a disabilities scholar

Chase Elliott: One-time cover model for “Georgia Magazine”

Ross Chastain: Team is co-owned by Pitbull (the rapper, not the animal)

ADVANTAGE: Elliott—instead of “going Hollywood”, he’s “going Sprayberry”


Nickname

Joey Logano: Sliced Bread

Christopher Bell: C.Bell (admittedly not that great)

Chase Elliott: Chase from the Same Place

Ross Chastain: Melon Man

ADVANTAGE: Logano


Biggest Controversy

Joey Logano: Fans accuse Nascar of rigging races so Penske wins

Christopher Bell: Fans accuse Nascar of rigging races so Gibbs wins

Chase Elliott: Fans accuse Nascar of rigging races so Hendrick wins

Ross Chastain: Using Delaware tax dollars to somehow combine seatbelt safety with watermelons

ADVANTAGE: Chastain


And so your 2022 Champion is…well, obviously the one driver who didn’t win any of these, Christopher Bell!

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Saturday, November 5, 2022

Ross Chastain Preparing to Cover Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”



One week after Martinsville and race fans everywhere are still talking about Ross Chastain’s daring “Wall Ride”.  Well, that talk will soon be set to music, as Chastain has announced he plans to put on a concert covering Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” in its entirety.

“I’m a racer first, but a 1970’s progressive rock fan second”, Chastain said in his Championship 4 media availability.  “The first staging of ‘The Wall’ didn’t go so well for the band (referring to Pink Floyd’s massive financial losses on that mini-tour) but I feel like its time to strike while the iron is hot.”

Chastain’s love of somewhat-haughty concept rock albums surprised some of the assembled media.

“Oh yeah—my older cousin got me really into Yes and Genesis”, Chastain said, showing his prog bonafides.  “And while I know its a cliche, Pink Floyd really IS my favorite prog rock band—just the classic lineup though, none of the Gilmour-led stuff in the 80’s.”

Chastain is said to be in talks with Martinsville management to stage the concert against the backdrop of the Turn 4 wall he so famously slammed his car against in oder to qualify for this weekend’s championship race.

“Just think—we build the wall behind me ON the wall using styrofoam blocks”, Chastain said.  “And we can drop DC Solar stock from the sky to simulate the parade in ‘Bring the Boys Back Home’—its gotta be good for SOMETHING.”

Chastain was quick to remind the on-site reporters that his musical endeavors will not distract from his championship chase.

“Look—its racing first, elaborate concert productions second, melons third”, Chastain emphasized.  “Hey, that gives me an idea—for ‘The Trial’, lets used stop-motion animated watermelons for the characters!”


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Friday, November 4, 2022