Spade Racing Shopping Network--Citizenship in Nascar Nation


An offseason journey through the best buys, premiere products, and special specials for Nascar fans.

The world is a pretty scary place.  Wars, terrorism, strife at home and abroad.  These days it can’t hurt to be too careful.  After all, you have an extra jacket in your car, right?  You have an emergency supply of food in case it snows too, huh?
So why not have a backup citizenship as well?
"We kid because we care!"

Today if your first opportunity to become a dual citizen by becoming a member of Nascar Nation.  That’s right—a chance to proudly align yourself with a sport in addition to your native homeland.  Just think of the possibilities:

Angry with the results of the 2020 US elections?  Pledge YOUR allegiance to a racing organization led by the reclusive and evasive Jim France!

Tired of foreigners thinking you’re South African when you’re REALLY Australian?  Well, nobody will confuse you with being a member of any other nationality when you show them your Nascar Nation passport—and accents are always optional!

Embarrassed to meet the new in-laws because you’re from North Macedonia when they’re from Greece?  Well, localized international rivalries are no more when you proudly fly your Nascar Playoffs flag from your front lawn!

Get it all today—passport, flag, the whole nine yards.  And the best part is, taxes can be paid by attending races!

NEXT TIME ON SRSN: Vintage Waste Management Picking Up The Places giant novelty check


David Pearson: Nascar Hall of Famer Retirements—Who Hung On Too Long?


Unlike other sports, Nascar can see drivers compete well into their 50’s.  While this allows for some pretty cool stories and added fan memories, it also can lend itself to some drivers staying active well past their prime.
With Jimmie Johnson being just the latest driver to announce his retirement from Nascar (effective the end of the 2020 season), I wanted to take a look at drivers who voluntarily retired from the sport to see if they hung on too long or left at just the right time (or maybe even a little too soon).  By “voluntary retirement” that means I’m not including anyone who was killed or seriously injured while driving.
Instead of looking at EVERY driver (even though interest in an analysis of Lake Speed’s latter years could be quite high) I’m limiting it to Hall of Fame inductees—for now.

(Drivers listed in order of their Hall of Fame induction)

NOTE: Those inducted primarily or exclusively for achievements outside of driving (team ownership, crew chiefing, etc.) will not be considered.  Cup performance is all that’s considered for this piece.  Also, the more modern term “Cup Series” will be used instead of Grand National, Winston Cup, etc.

David Pearson

DRIVING ACCOMPLISHMENTS: “The Silver Fox”.  Three-time Nascar Cup Series champion.  105 Cup wins.  1976 Daytona 500 champion.  Three-time Southern 500 champion.  Led Nascar Cup in wins in two years (1973 & 1975) in which he didn’t run the full-schedule.  Six-time leader in season-long poles.

LAST HURRAH: After leaving the Wood Brothers race team midway through the 1979 season, Pearson would win twice more—later that year for Rod Osterlund and in 1980 for Hoss Ellington.  When judging Pearson’s performance its worth noting that he rarely ran the full schedule.

FINAL YEAR(S): Running a very limited schedule through 1986, Pearson’s results would drop off, although he was still capable of recapturing the old magic, as evidenced by his final race result of 10th.  An abortive reunion in 1989 with the Wood Brothers never came to be and he retired to private life.

DID HE HANG ON TOO LONG?: Yes.  As stated above, its hard to judge Pearson since he rarely ran the full-schedule, but if you go solely by wins, he likely should’ve left after the ’81 or ’82 season.

Spade Racing Shopping Network--Digger’s Skeleton


An offseason journey through the best buys, premiere products, and special specials for Nascar fans.

Collectables.  They’ve been around as far back as when Dale Earnhardt Sr. partnered with a former mechanical rodeo salesman to market his image.  But anyone can get a diecast car, a piece of sheetmetal, or an autograph.  The discerning collector wants something more.

And here we have it—the preserved remains of beloved—well, tolerated—Nascar on Fox mascot Digger.  That’s right—the living model of the ingratiating—well, irritating—cartoon character, an almost mint-condition skeleton of the groundhog.

Rescued from the wilds of North Carolina, Digger (real name Diggington Foxworth) spent countless hours in mo-cap suits, allowing Fox Sports to render him to appeal to the slowest of its fanbase.  And now, after his recent death due to particle board poisoning, you can own the Digger skeleton for your very own with this exclusive offer.

Please note that SRSN is not responsible for any communicable diseases transmitted from Digger’s bones and/or carcass.  Display case and pedestal not included.

NEXT TIME ON SRSN: An evening with Kenny Wallace

Ned Jarrett: Nascar Hall of Famer Retirements—Who Hung On Too Long?


Unlike other sports, Nascar can see drivers compete well into their 50’s.  While this allows for some pretty cool stories and added fan memories, it also can lend itself to some drivers staying active well past their prime.
With Jimmie Johnson being just the latest driver to announce his retirement from Nascar (effective the end of the 2020 season), I wanted to take a look at drivers who voluntarily retired from the sport to see if they hung on too long or left at just the right time (or maybe even a little too soon).  By “voluntary retirement” that means I’m not including anyone who was killed or seriously injured while driving.
Instead of looking at EVERY driver (even though interest in an analysis of Stuart Kirby’s latter years could be quite high) I’m limiting it to Hall of Fame inductees—for now.

(Drivers listed in order of their Hall of Fame induction)

NOTE: Those inducted primarily or exclusively for achievements outside of driving (team ownership, crew chiefing, etc.) will not be considered.  Cup performance is all that’s considered for this piece.  Also, the more modern term “Cup Series” will be used instead of Grand National, Winston Cup, etc.

Ned Jarrett

DRIVING ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Two-time Cup Series champion.  50 Cup Series wins.  1965 Southern 500 win had the largest margin of victory in Nascar history.  

LAST HURRAH: “Gentleman Ned” won the Cup Series championship for a second time in 1965, which would wind up being his final full-time season.

FINAL YEAR(S): Jarrett returned to the sport on a part-time schedule in 1966.  Concerns about driver safety, combined with Ford’s impending departure from the sport, would see him retire as a driver shortly before the end of the season, making him the only reigning Nascar Cup champion to retire as such.  He’d later go on to forge a successful second career as a broadcaster.

DID HE HANG ON TOO LONG?: Obviously not.  While Ford’s departure would’ve likely meant a manufacturer change (or a move to an independent team), Jarrett likely still had plenty of good years in him on-track.

Richard Petty: Nascar Hall of Famer Retirements—Who Hung On Too Long?


Unlike other sports, Nascar can see drivers compete well into their 50’s.  While this allows for some pretty cool stories and added fan memories, it also can lend itself to some drivers staying active well past their prime.
With Jimmie Johnson being just the latest driver to announce his retirement from Nascar (effective the end of the 2020 season), I wanted to take a look at drivers who voluntarily retired from the sport to see if they hung on too long or left at just the right time (or maybe even a little too soon).  By “voluntary retirement” that means I’m not including anyone who was killed or seriously injured while driving.
Instead of looking at EVERY driver (even though interest in an analysis of Wally Dallenbach’s latter years could be quite high) I’m limiting it to Hall of Fame inductees—for now.

(Drivers listed in order of their Hall of Fame induction)

NOTE: Those inducted primarily or exclusively for achievements outside of driving (team ownership, crew chiefing, etc.) will not be considered.  Cup performance is all that’s considered for this piece.  Also, the more modern term “Cup Series” will be used instead of Grand National, Winston Cup, etc.

Richard Petty

DRIVING ACCOMPLISHMENTS: “The King”.  200 Cup Series wins (most of all-time and likely never to be broken).  Seven-time Cup Series champion (tied for most all-time).  Seven-time Daytona 500 champion (most all-time).  Most Cup Series poles all-time (123).  Most Cup Series wins in a season (27) and in a row (10).  Almost universally considered to be the benchmark for a Nascar superstar, both in on-track accomplishments and fan and sponsor relationships.

LAST HURRAH: After years of declining on-track results (his last championship was in 1979 and his last Daytona 500 win was in 1981), Petty left his family team to drive for Mike Curb in 1984, posting his 199th and 200th Cup Series wins.  After a down year in 1985 he returned to Petty Enterprises in 1986, then would post his last top-ten points finish in 1987 (8th).

FINAL YEAR(S): Petty posted his last top-five race finish in 1988 but continued to race through his “Fan Appreciation Tour” in 1992.  Four “Did Not Qualify”s in 1989 led to the implementation of the “Past Champion’s Provisional” starting spot.  Petty finished out of the top-twenty in points his last five years and was rarely a threat to contend for race wins.  Since retirement he has continued to own his race team with several different co-owners.

DID HE HANG ON TOO LONG?: Yes.  As great as it was for younger fans (myself included) to see The King race, he likely would’ve been better off retiring after the 1987 or 88 season.

Spade Racing Shopping Network--Stenhouse RFR blowout


An offseason journey through the best buys, premiere products, and special specials for Nascar fans.

Here at Roush Fenway Racing we’re having the biggest blowout sale ever! All Ricky Stenhouse Jr merchandise MUST GO NOW!

T-shirts! Hats! Can coozies! Everything is marked down and priced to move!

Get a Stenhouse Fifth Third Bank magnet—normal price $5.99, just 97 cents! A Fastenal vending machine with Ricky’s face on the side—just $99 with shipping included!

And hey—do you want sheet metal? We’ve got hundreds of pieces of wrecked race cars! Use it as garden fencing! Sell it for scrap! Become an avant-garde sculptor!

Order in the next ten minutes and get a free Todd Kluever diecast car!


NEXT TIME ON SRSN: Slightly-used Bubba Wallace drumsticks

Junior Johnson: Nascar Hall of Famer Retirements—Who Hung On Too Long?


Unlike other sports, Nascar can see drivers compete well into their 50’s.  While this allows for some pretty cool stories and added fan memories, it also can lend itself to some drivers staying active well past their prime.
With Jimmie Johnson being just the latest driver to announce his retirement from Nascar (effective the end of the 2020 season), I wanted to take a look at drivers who voluntarily retired from the sport to see if they hung on too long or left at just the right time (or maybe even a little too soon).  By “voluntary retirement” that means I’m not including anyone who was killed or seriously injured while driving.
Instead of looking at EVERY driver (even though interest in an analysis of Derrike Cope’s latter years could be quite high) I’m limiting it to Hall of Fame inductees—for now.

(Drivers listed in order of their Hall of Fame induction)

NOTE: Those inducted primarily or exclusively for achievements outside of driving (team ownership, crew chiefing, etc.) will not be considered.  Cup performance is all that’s considered for this piece.  Also, the more modern term “Cup Series” will be used instead of Grand National, Winston Cup, etc.

Junior Johnson

DRIVING ACCOMPLISHMENTS: 50 Cup Series wins.  1960 Daytona 500 champion.  Innovator of drafting.  Subject of “The Last American Hero” by Tom Wolfe, an early exposure of Nascar to the rest of the nation.

LAST HURRAH: Junior won a career-high 13 races in 1965—even more impressively this was his first year running his own equipment as Junior Johnson & Associates.

FINAL YEAR(S): Johnson ran a handful of races in 1966 posting mediocre results, although he did notch a fifth place finish in his last race.  He announced his retirement as a driver, reportedly because driving had lost its luster for the former moonshiner, and embarked on a team-ownership career that would notch six Cup Series championships (as well as bringing in Winston to the sport).


DID HE HANG ON TOO LONG?: No.  As a driver-owner he was able to call his own shots and simply walked away from the driver’s seat when he felt like it. 

Spade Racing Shopping Network--Cookie Cutter Cookie Cutter


An offseason journey through the best buys, premiere products, and special specials for Nascar fans.


Here’s a perfect item for you bakers out there—a cookie cutter cookie cutter!  That’s right, a cookie press shaped like Atlanta Motor Speedway, Kentucky Motor Speedway, Charlotte Motor Speedway—all your favorite Bruton Smith tracks!  

And hey—break off the removable dogleg attachment, and you can make cookies in the shape of Chicagoland or Kansas!
While you’re baking your kitchen will be filled with the wonderful smells of fresh-baked cookies, while you wonder “Why did they make all these tracks alike?”, “Why didn’t they build a replica of Bristol”, and “Why is my smoke alarm beeping again?”.

And your guests are sure to love your thoughtfulness—you’ll be hearing old racing fans complain about how Nascar died when they took Rockingham and North Wilkesboro off the schedule through your whole Christmas party!
To order call 1-800-POOR-PLANNING.  Offer void in Sonoma and Watkins Glen, no CODs or Z-Max accepted as payment.


NEXT TIME ON SRSN: A gross of Todd Bodine Tabasco 1/64th diecast cars

Spade Racing Shopping Network--Rick Ware Racing Ride


An offseason journey through the best buys, premiere products, and special specials for Nascar fans.

Have you always wanted to sit behind the wheel of a Nascar race car?  Ever fantasize about wheeling a Ford, Chevy, or Toyota around the high banks of a race track?  Well, some places might offer you ten or twenty laps by yourself, but not at Rick Ware Racing!

That’s right—for a small upfront payment, YOU can reserve your spot in the 53 Cup car for 2020!  Fulfill your dreams!  Impress your friends!  Get interviewed by weird independent podcasts!  And that’s not all!

Bring sponsorship and we’ll let YOU ruin a contender’s race!  Get in their way!  Get pilloried on social media!  Claim that Ryan Newman does it all the time!  Its all yours for the taking!

Please note that all purchasers must have a valid Nascar license, proper racing equipment, and a cashier’s check.  Team reserves the right to remove you from the car if JGR needs “seat time” for Brandon Jones next year.

Fulfill your dreams in the least-impactful way possible—become a backmarker for RWR today!!!

NEXT TIME ON SRSN: A Kyle Petty race-used hair scrunchy

Spade Racing’s 2019-20 Offseason Preview


Another season is in the books—races were run, championships were won, and in a year Jimmie Johnson’s career will be done.  But just because there’s no on-track action doesn’t mean that things stop around here at Spade Racing!

I’m looking to have two pieces a week on the site, starting next week.  One will be an entry from the “Spade Racing Shopping Network” while the other will be from an original research project I’m currently working through.


So stay tuned all the way through to Daytona!

And a reminder that my book is available for purchase right here!

Jimmie Johnson’s Replacement: Who Will It Be?


The Nascar world was rocked today by the news that Tyler Reddick considered naming his unborn child “Ryker” before settling on “Beau”.  Sliding under the radar was the news that Jimmie Johnson would retire from full-time driving after the 2020 season.  While Hendrick Motorsports has seen better days, a fully-funded car for a major team is quite the plum ride (and I’m not just talking about Ally’s paint scheme).  So who will get the nod to drive the 48 in 2021?  Here’s the top candidates:

Kyle Larson
WHY HE MAKES SENSE: He’s shown he can compete even while driving for a “good but not great” team like Ganassi.  He’s tangentially connected to HMS through Ganssi’s use of Chevy’s and HMS engines.  And he seems to be a free-agent after the 2020 season, although Nascar contracts seem to be barely worth the paper they’re printed on (especially if they use something with a really fancy watermark).
WHY HE DOESN’T: He’s repeatedly said he’s faithful to Chip Ganassi for signing him without any funding attached.  Moving from Ganassi to HMS might not be enough of a step-up to convince him to move.  And if he leaves the 42 car, he’ll have no more chances to run Kyle Petty throwback schemes at Darlington!
SPADE RACING ODDS: 4:1

Noah Gragson
WHY HE MAKES SENSE: He’s already in the HMS system via JR Motorsports, and seems to come with sponsorship as well through Switch.  He’ll have two years of Xfinity experience under his belt by 2021.  And it doesn’t hurt that “Noah Gragson” lends itself to some pretty cool nicknames (The Gragster?  Agro-Grag?  No-ahhhhhyeeeeeah?)
WHY HE DOESN’T: He hasn’t exactly set the world on fire in Xfinity this year.  He’s super-young and might not react well to the pressure of replacing Jimmie Johnson.  And he’s from Las Vegas, and the last time we had a Vegas driver in a Hendrick Chevy, we had Kyle Busch’s soul-patch.
SPADE RACING ODDS: 5:1

Ross Chastain
WHY HE MAKES SENSE: He’s already in the Chevy system as a driver for Kaulig Racing.  He’s shown that when given decent equipment, he can win races.  And just think how many wins he’ll have under his belt after 2020…under his belt so that Nascar doesn’t take them away again for failing inspection.
WHY HE DOESN’T: He came up the same way as Alex Bowman, who hasn’t exactly dominated in Cup so far.  He supposedly has a developmental deal with Ganassi.  And do you really want even MORE stories about how he’s just a simple watermelon farmer blah blah BLAH…
SPADE RACING ODDS: 10:1, goes to 5:1 if Larson re-ups with Ganassi.

Clint Bowyer
WHY HE MAKES SENSE: His deals with Stewart-Haas Racing have been pretty short, likely leaving him free to leave in 2021.  He’s arguably the top driver in Nascar with a lack of sponsorship.  And it doesn’t hurt that he’s friendly with just about everyone in the sport…well, except for Jerry Stazowski, Nascar official—and HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID.
WHY HE DOESN’T: He’ll be 41 years old next year.  His performance seems to have, at the very least, leveled-off.  And he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy Ally would align with (“I’m Clint Bowyer, and after a hard night of racin’ and partyin’, I like to wake up and check on my money market accounts online!”)
SPADE RACING ODDS: 12:1

Bubba Wallace
WHY HE MAKES SENSE: Should be virtually unattached to any team or manufacturer after the 2020 season.  Has shown he CAN compete when he has good equipment.  And he has the rarely thing of all in 21st-century Nascar—a personality.
WHY HE DOESN’T: “Awkward” is the best way to describe his relationship with Alex Bowman.  He has a tendency to tear up equipment.  And the last time a former Petty driver wound up at Hendrick Motorsports, it was Wally Dallenbach Jr.
SPADE RACING ODDS: 40:1

Chase Elliott Clone
WHY HE MAKES SENSE: Would come with familiarity with the HMS system.  Has tons of sponsorship appeal.  And could split Nascar’s biggest driver fanbase without destroying it.
WHY HE DOESN’T: Cloning doesn’t exist yet.  Side-effects remain unknown.  And if both Chases fight each other it could cause the entire time-space continuum to implode.
SPADE RACING ODDS: 1,000:1

Mystery Picker FINALLY Revealed

Behold: Mystery Picker!!!

That’s right—two years ago I came up with the idea of rolling a 60-sided die and using the system listed below to pick race winners.  The number would correspond to the season long points at that, uh, point.  Did ok for me last year but did terrible this year.

Goodbye Mystery Picker, you had a mediocre run.

Spot in points--number of "sides" on the die (number on die)
01—5 (01,26,47,57,60)
02—4 (02,27,48,58)
03—4 (03,28,49,59)
04—3 (04,29,50,)
05—3 (05,30,51)
06—3 (06,31,52)
07—3 (07,32,53)
08—3 (08,33,54)
09—3 (09,34,55)
10—3 (10,35,56)
11—2 (11,36)
12—2 (12,37)
13—2 (13,38)
14—2 (14,39)
15—2 (15,40)
16—2 (16,41)
17—2 (17,42)
18—2 (18,43)
19—2 (19,44)
20—2 (20,45)
21—1 (21)
22—1 (22)
23—1 (23)
24—1 (24)
25+—2 (25,46)

Kyle Busch is Your Two-Time Nascar Cup Champion!


David Ragan vs. Paul Menard: Spade Racing’s Tale O’ The Tape


Two of Nascar’s…um…competitors are retiring from full-time competition today—David Ragan and Paul Menard.  Here’s a look at their careers, both of which show that you can definitely say that they were drivers for a number of years.

CUP STARTS
David Ragan: 470 (as of Homestead)
Paul Menard: 469 (as of Homestead)
Winner: Ragan—seriously, who knew they’d been around the same amount of time?

CUP WINS
David Ragan: 2 (plate racing)
Paul Menard: 1 (fuel mileage)
Winner: Ragan—although Menard’s skills would likely come in handy more in real-life

CONSTANTLY CONFUSED WITH
SHARP
David Ragan: Regan Smith
Paul Menard: nobody
Winner: Menard—Menardburns stand out in a crowd

SON OF
David Ragan: Ken Ragan, former Nascar driver
Paul Menard: John Menard, current billionaire
Winner: Menard—save big money by having big money at Menards

RECENT CLAIM TO FAME
David Ragan: having Shriners sponsorship
Paul Menard: keeping the Wood Brothers pinned at 99 Cup wins
Winner: Ragan—although we all would’ve preferred if he showed up in a tiny car wearing a fez

REPLACEMENT
David Ragan: TBA
Paul Menard: Matt DiBennedetto
Winner: Menard—although after a dozen or races we’ll likely be sick of him (as was done before, so shall be done)

DID HE GET TO LIVE OUT HIS DREAMS?
David Ragan: Yes
Paul Menard: Yes
Winner: Tie—hard to begrudge two guys who got paid to do what we’d all do for free

Spade Racing Picks: Uncle Max vs. Mystery Picker—Homestead


BACK TO BACK, BABY!!!
Mystery Picker, I gotta hand it to ya.  You took advantage of MY pick, Chase Elliott, wrecking and nearly pulled off a major upset at Phoenix.  Unfortunately for you, your pick of Kyle Busch came home second, handing ME my second straight picking championship over you.
Now we have the little matter of the Championship Weekend, to be followed by the big reveal—we’ll finally all know who Mystery Picker is!!!

CUP SERIES Ford EcoBoost 400: Mystery Picker (2 wins) picks Paul Menard.  Favorite (4 wins): Denny Hamlin—maybe Mystery Picker really WAS Paul Menard (or Ryan Blaney) all along.  Next Favorite (3 wins): Martin Truex Jr.—two championships in three years?  Impressive.  Dark Horse: Aric Almirola—quasi-hometown win.

XFINITY SERIES Ford EcoBoost 300 (8 wins): Christopher Bell—a fitting way to end his (full-time) Xfinity run.

TRUCK SERIES Ford EcoBoost 200 (8 wins): Ross Chastain—championship despite missing the first few races?  How Rowdy of him.

BEER: Bottle or Can? Nascar Edition


Last night was the official premiere of Beer Can: A Love Story, a short film about the never-ending debate about beer being served in bottles or cans.  I had a small role in the movie (I hope to show you my clip as it gets wider release), but it got me to thinking—how do Nascar Cup’s stars enjoy THEIR beer?  Well, here’s my best guesses:

Kurt Busch—bottles
That time Brad Keselowski became the first
person to ever get drunk off of Miller Lite

Brad Keselowski—cans

Austin Dillon—bottles on weeknights, cans on weekends

Kevin Harvick—cans

Ryan Newman—(blocked me from getting an answer)

Daniel Hemric—shotguns cans

Chase Elliott—cans in private, bottles in public

Aric Alimorla—bottles although he prefers draft

Denny Hamlin—bottles

Ryan Blaney—cans although he prefers draft

Ty Dillon—tall boy cans

Clint Bowyer—keg-stands and makes sure everyone’s watching

Ricky Stenhouse Jr.—bottles which he breaks immediately after finishing

Kyle Busch—bottles; peels labels off as he drinks

Erik Jones—cans

Paul Menard—bottles

Joey Logano—bottles

William Byron—bottles, light beer only

Corey Lajoie—home-brews

Chris Buescher—pony-bottles

Michael McDowell—cans; one a night so he can serve as designated driver

Matt Tifft—cans (get well soon!)

David Ragan—cans BUT gave up beer for 2020 (except on special occasions)
"I don't have to actually DRINK it, right?"

Daniel Suarez—cans; gets irritated when people call it “cerveza” in the US

Kyle Larson—bottles of hard cider

Bubba Wallace—party ball

Ryan Preece—cider in bottles (pronounces it “ci-DAH”)

Jimmie Johnson—bottles of ultra-light beer, half of which he pours over his head

Alex Bowman—bottles, but hates it when they spray in his face

Matt DiBennedetto—cans, makes a big deal about it too

Landon Cassill—microbrews only

Spade Racing Picks: Uncle Max vs. Mystery Picker—ISM (Phoenix)


Well played Mystery—well played.
I come home from vacation and see that you had the right pick for Texas.  And so you stave off elimination for another week.  Am I mad?  No way—because I *LOVE* competition.
Whether its competing with other assistant managers to get my area ready for the holidays, a spirited battle for the top seed in fantasy football, or racing someone on the highway (even if they don’t know I’m racing them), I live for competition.  So give it your best shot, Mystery!

(EDITOR’S NOTE: In the event of a win by Mystery Picker, a tiebreaker will be on standby for Homestead)

CUP SERIES Bluegreen Vacations 500: Mystery Picker (2 wins) picks Kyle Busch.  Favorite (4 wins): Chase Elliott—with Mystery Picker going safe, its time to be a little bit daring.  Next Favorite (3 wins): Joey Logano—something something OVERCOMING DRAMA.  Dark Horse: Alex Bowman—a home track win will be like a splash in the face.

XFINITY SERIES Diamond Desert 200 (8 wins): Christopher Bell—C.Bell keeps the train rolling into Homestead.

TRUCK SERIES Lucas Oil 150 (8 wins): Ross Chastain—a watermelon grows in Avondale.

ELIMINATORS—Spade Racing’s Elimination Race Breakdown

After a late race at Texas, we get a late race at Phoenix.  And that’s where the similarities end—Texas is a freaking disaster most of the time, while Phoenix has the good kinds of disasters, like mayhem and side-by-side racing.  Here’s how the remaining eight Playoff drivers look as they head to Arizona:

Gimme all your stage points, don't give up
until we're good...
CLINCHED: Martin Truex Jr. and Kevin Harvick.  Two of the safest bets this year are locked into the Homestead finale.  With virtually no chance for Truex-like ADVERSITY or Harvick-like DRAMA, Rick Allen will have to dig deep for something to ram into the ground.

GOOD BARRING DISASTER: none

GOOD BARRING A BAD DAY OR A “WIN AND YOU’RE IN”: Kyle Busch and Joey Logano.  Rowdy (22 points to the good) and JoLo (20 to the good) need to have decent runs and hope that none of the other four drivers post a win.  If one of the other drivers DOES win, however, these two will have to fight each other for the final spot—and if Denny Hamlin knocks out Joey Logano via a win, lord help us.

ON THE BUBBLE BUT IN CONTROL: none

ON THE BUBBLE AND NEEDING HELP: none

NEEDS HELP: Denny Hamlin, Ryan Blaney, and Kyle Larson.  Hamlin (-20), Blaney (-23) and Larson (-23) will likely be in “win now” mode at Phoenix, but could sneak their way in if Busch or Logano DNF.  Luckily we should know the answer to the final four by Sunday evening—unless someone fails inspection (please, don’t ANYONE in the Playoffs fail inspection).


NEEDS A WIN: Chase Elliott.  78 points in the hole means that Chase Elliott needs to win his way in or go home after Phoenix.  Well, he was probably planning on going home anyways—its a figure of speech, people.

Joey Logano vs. Denny Hamlin: Spade Racing’s Tale O’ The Tape


Last weekend saw Joey Logano and Denny Hamlin get into post-race pit road scrap, thus giving people something to talk about all week.  But what if these two actually went at it mano a mano?  Well, here’s the Spade Racing Tale O’ The Tape!

HOMETOWN
Denny Hamlin: Middle of nowhere Virginia
Joey Logano: Middle of Middletown Connecticut
Advantage: Hamlin—hard to be intimidated by someone from “The Nutmeg State”

FAMILY BACKGROUND
Denny Hamlin: Fabrication, metal works, trailer design
Joey Logano: “Waste management”
Advantage: Logano—he might not be strong, but he knows a guy who knows a guy

DISADVANTAGES
Denny Hamlin: Chronic back issues, also lingering shoulder problems
Joey Logano: Eminently punchable face
Advantage: Hamlin—I don’t even MIND Joey and I want to smack him sometimes

FIGHTING TECHNIQUE
Denny Hamlin: Fight for everything never giving up an inch (exception: Tony Stewart)
Joey Logano: Push someone in the shoulder and run away
Advantage: Logano—speaking from experience, this works

FAMOUS FRIENDS
Denny Hamlin: Michael Jordan
Joey Logano: Brad Keselowski
Advantage: Hamlin—nobody wants to fight a man with Charles Oakley a few calls away

TEAMMATES
Denny Hamlin: Two scrawny guys and a dude from Jersey
Joey Logano: Son of a racer, son of a racer, and a son of a billionaire
Advantage: Logano—everyone wants to punch Brad’s teeth in until you realize you have to sacrifice your fist

USEFULNESS OF SPONSOR
Denny Hamlin: Maybe you could mail someone a knockout?
Joey Logano: Coat the floor with oil
Advantage: Logano—slip sliding away

Spade Racing Picks: Uncle Max vs. Mystery Picker—Texas


EDITOR’S NOTE: Uncle Max texted me his picks earlier today from his vacation.  Its also worth noting that unless Mystery Picker wins this weekend, Uncle Max will clinch the season championship and force Mystery Picker to reveal themselves at the end of the year.

CUP SERIES AAA Texas 500: Mystery Picker (1 win) picks Kevin Harvick.  Favorite (4 wins): Martin Truex Jr.—if Truex has an off weekend and Rowdy wins….  Next Favorite (3 wins): Denny Hamlin—will we get another post-race Logano impression?  Dark Horse: Brad Keselowski—yeah yeah, well he’s out of the Playoffs so he’s a Dark Horse.

XFINITY SERIES O’Reilly Auto Parts 300 (7 wins): Christopher Bell—C.Bell gets back on track.

Denny Hamlin Apologizes Profusely After Visit from “Advisors”


Martin Truex Jr.’s dominant day (and post-race interview) were overshadowed by a post-race fight between Denny Hamlin and Joey Logano.  Hamlin, who was defiant in his initial post-fracas interview, struck a contrite tone today, flanked by two large men referred to as his new “advisors”.
The "Advisors"
“I would just like to apologize for everything that happened yesterday”, a nervous-sounding Hamlin said earlier today, sporting what appeared to be heavily-bandaged thumbs.  “I was wrong to criticize a member of the Logano family, and I’ll never do it again—I swear.”
The large men beside Hamlin—both of whom spoke with thick New York accents—quickly spoke up on Denny’s behalf.
“Yeah, we all make mistakes, don’t we Denny?” one of them said as Hamlin vigorously shook his head in agreement.  “I’ve seen a lot of people make mistakes once—but they never EVER make them again.”
“Yeah, that’s for sure”, the other man said while filing his nails.  “I seen it everywhere I’ve worked—casinos, liquor distribution, gentlemen’s clubs—heck, even waste management.  But everyone always learns the same thing—don’t EVER go against the family.”
Hamlin continued to apologize, also stating that he hoped to “…get his car back from the impound lot” by this weekend’s race at Texas.

(Editor’s note: I tried to ask either of the two men what their business was in Nascar, but they simply handed me a stereo, said it fell off a truck, and told me to keep my mouth shut.)

Kyle Busch Stays in his F***ing Motorhome


In response to a recent comment by KBM Truck Series driver Todd Gilliland, driver and team owner Kyle Busch stayed in his freaking motorhome on Saturday.
“Todd had a good point”, Busch said from his friggin motorhome on Saturday evening.  “It looked like it was going to rain, so I decided to stay here for the night with my family.  Much more comfortable than hobnobbing on pit road.”
Gilliland appeared to be commenting on Busch’s criticism of his lack of success when he screamed for Kyle to stay in his fecking motorhome during his cool-down lap on Saturday.  However, Gilliland himself disputed this characterizing.
“He’s staying in his flurking motorhome because it might rain?  Good, good!  He actually said that, right?”, a nervous Gilliland told the assembled media in his post-race press conference.  “He’ll no doubt appreciate my looking out for his welfare—I mean, rain’s in the forecast, lots of traffic on pit road, nowhere to really go in the greater Martinsville area, I’m really just looking out for him.”
Gilliland’s first Truck Series win came despite nearly two years in top-flight equipment, prompting Busch’s criticism of his performance—or so it seemed.
“When Mr. Busch called my performance a 2 out of 10, he was just complimenting me”, Gilliland explained.  “He meant that out of the top-ten drivers in the series, I was easily one of the top two of them.  He’s always looking out for me, and me for him—that’s why I wanted to make sure he stayed in his forking motorhome.”
Gilliland said he would visit Busch in his fudging motorhome this morning to discuss his plans for next season.