Spade Racing's Lowbuck Team Tournament--First Round Results

Marcos Ambrose and Casey Mears weren't the only ones duking it out in Richmond--the competitors in the Spade Racing Lowbuck Team Tournament were in a fight to the finish/DNF on the track.  Here's the results from round one:
(remember--the top four seeds had first-round byes)

8. 23 (Alex Bowman) over 9. 98 (Josh Wise)--Bowman put in a yeoman effort coming home 28th, while Wise battled issues all night to come home 39th.
5. 34 (David Ragan) over 12. 83 (Ryan Truex)--Much like in March Madness, the 5 vs. 12 battle turned out to be ripe for an upset…however, Ragan edged Truex by a single position (30th against 31st) to move on.
7. 7 (Michael Annett) over 10. 32 (Travis Kvapil)--Young beat (relatively) Old as Annett came home 33rd, while Kvapil settled for 36th.
11. 33 (David Stremme) over 6. 26 (Cole Whitt)--And we have our first upset!  Stremme took advantage of the turmoil at his former team, finishing 25th to Whitt's 40th.

As the tournament moves into the quarterfinals, here's the matchups for Talladega:
1. 51 (Justin Allgaier) vs. 8. (Alex Bowman)
2. 38 (David Gilliland) vs. 7. (Michael Annett)
3. 36 (Reed Sorenson) vs. 11. 33 (David Stremme)
4. 40 (Landon Cassill) vs. 5. 34 (David Ragan)

Australia Declares War on The Mears Gang

Acting swiftly following tonight's post-race "activities", the Commonwealth of Australia has drafted--and passed--a declaration of war on the dreaded Mears Gang.
A much more common Aussie offense
"We cannot tolerate any of this aggression on behalf of this dreaded 'Gang'--retribution was our only option", said Australia's Prime Minister Tony Abbott in a prepared statement.  "Rather than let our compatriot Marcos (Ambrose) suffer the blows of this ruffian, we will join him in a full-on military assault, commencing immediately."
Canberra officials were seen deploying numerous fighter jets, battleships, and anti-gecko missiles, although the reasons for the blow-up remain somewhat mysterious.
"If you attack one of us, you attack all of us", a member of Australia's naval forces was heard saying before leaving on his mission.  "I can't tell you exactly what my mission is, but let's just say it involves me, Warren Buffett, and a large jar of vegemite."
"But we're a Mear(s) gang!"
It remains unknown just how many members of the "Mears Gang" there actually are, although they are easily identified by their 1950's-style t-shirts.
"We were originally worried about taking out innocent fans who just happened to be wearing 'Mears Gang' apparel", said a spokesman for the Australian army, "but our intelligence shows that no Casey Mears merchandise has been sold since 2007, so we should be OK."
The Mears Gang has not been able to be reached for comment, although Rick and Roger Mears were seen tunneling into a bunker deep in the Southern California desert.
"I'm glad to see that my country-mates have my back", Ambrose said, "and I'll be glad to join them next week, seeing as how I'll probably be getting suspended.  Apparently it's 'Boys Have At It', but when a MAN has at it, they get sidelined."

Spade Racing's Lowbuck Team Tournament

("News" and Notes is taking a brief hiatus so that we* can bring you this multi-week tournament.      *--yeah, it's still just me)

While the best in Nascar are competing for wins, there's teams who are just happy to notch a top-25.  They are the independents, the start-ups, the guys trying to become the next Germain Racing or Furniture Row Motorsports.  So where's THEIR coverage?  Where's THEIR mispronounced drivers' names by Darrell Waltrip?  Where's THEIR sponsors that people have actually heard of?  Well, they're…not here.  But here's the next best thing:  A bracket-style tournament!!!
Here's the rules:

--12 teams--all of which have attempted all eight races so far this season--will compete in a single-elimination head-to-head tournament over the next four weeks, with the top four teams entered earning byes for the first round (this week).
--First Round is this weekend at Richmond.  The Quarterfinals are next week at Talladega.  The Semifinals are after that in Kansas.  Finally, the Finals will take place in the Sprint Showdown.
--Seeding is done by the team's current place in the Owners' Points.
--It's pretty easy to win--simply finish ahead of your competition for that week.
--Points are accrued by the team itself, not by the driver (in case multiple drivers come into play--Circle Sport, I'm looking in YOUR direction).
--The winner wins a trophy provided by Spade Racing (note--winner must contact me through Facebook, and must not simply be asking if my refrigerator is running).

Here's the first-round match-ups for this week:
BYES: 1. 51 (Justin Allgaier), 2. 38 (David Gilliland), 3. 36 (Reed Sorenson), 4. 40 (Landon Cassill)
5. 34 (David Ragan) vs. 12. 83 (Ryan Truex)
6. 26 (Cole Whitt) vs. 11. 33 (David Stremme)
7. 7 (Michael Annett) vs. 10. 32 (Travis Kvapil/Terry Labonte)
8. 23 (Alex Bowman) vs. 9. 98 (Josh Wise)

(Note that the 66 team is ineligible due to its affiliation with MWR, and the 30 team is ineligible as it will effectively shut down after this week).

May the best team win!!!

Goofus & Gallant 3: Thrillogy

Here's three new "Goofus and Gallant: Nascar Edition" entries--Happy Easter!

The Dandiest Interview with Kyle Busch

Kyle Busch seems to have no problem dropping down to the lower series in order to defeat some of the sport's young, rising talent.  But he's doing so in JGR equipment, isn't that kind of an unfair fight?  I went down to KBM headquarters to investigate, and asked him, why doesn't he agree to take on one of the sport's underfunded prospects in equally-matched equipment?  Here was his response:

Kyle Busch's Senior Prom
Kyle Busch: "Lemme tell you about who deserves a shot at me--I'm the guy gunning for 200 wins!  I oughta know!  Y'know, I've been sizing up guys since this season started, and the guy who I think has EARNED a shot at me, Norm Benning, I think you're a heck of a driver, you're a great technician on the track, you're a jam-up guy--"

Me: "Woah, woah, woah, wait a minute--Norm Benning's been driving in Nascar for 30 years now, an--"

KB: "He's a GREAT driver."

Me: "Well, he is a great driver, but for goodness sakes, at 40 years differenc--"

KB: "Who are YOU to doubt Norm Benning?  This guy's a serious professional."

Me: "C'mon, let's talk abou--"

KB: "How about Shep Morgan?"


KB: "WHATEVER, whatever, he's a GREAT driver, y'know, you can say what you want, you can try to tear these guys down, you can try to take them down--"

Me: "Yeah, but--"

KB: "He's a Cup driver of the highest magnitude!"

Off to The Off Week

After an exciting night of racing at Darlington, Nascar heads into its traditional Eastern weekend off-week.  Here's what some of the superstars of the sport are planning to do with their free-time:
Warning: May Cause Itching

Kevin Harvick--Torture self for not making "Fried Chicken and Beer" reference in Victory Lane.

Jimmie Johnson--Prank call Chad Knaus about his audibling like Peyton Manning--and losing in the end like Peyton Manning.

Kurt Busch--Borrowing Jeff Gordon's Clint Bowyer voodoo doll.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.--Spray-paint "4>2" on Steve LeTarte's car.

Jeff Gordon--……………whoops, sorry, got started a little late there.

Tony Stewart--Wait patiently outside nearest Outback Steakhouse for his free Bloomin' Onion.

Greg Biffle--Keep on Biffin'.

Joey Logano--Continue Loy Allen Jr.-style domination of qualifying.

Kyle Larson--Wonder why no one calls him about taking the historic car number of Kyle Petty.

Darlington "News" and Notes

--Remember that Saturday's Cup race has a pretty early start--6pm EST.  Well, unless it rains.  Again.

--Meanwhile, the Nationwide Series race is co-sponsored by Sport Clips and the VFW.  Because of this, there'll be an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast held before the race, and a 50/50 raffle drawing after the green flag.

--EcoBoost sponsors Carl Edwards for a race, and there's a big PR release.  EcoBoost sponsors Ricky Stenhouse Jr. for multiple races, and there's nothing.  Um, Ricky--I'd rent, not buy.

--In honor of Nascar's Green initiative, Jayski posted that teams got up to 217mpg at the Michigan tire test.  217 Miles Per Gallon--that'll take fuel strategy right out of the sport!

--ESPN's "Burning Questions" series posed a popular debate this past week--who would you rather have to start a Cup team from the ground up, Kyle Larson or Chase Elliott?  The answer that *I* would have given would have been, "I dunno, but that kind of explains why Austin Dillon still has unsponsored races this year.

--At Daytona this summer Brian Vickers will run a Florida State paint scheme.  Who knew that Aaron's sold shoes?

Kevin "Lucky" Harvick's Season Preview

After a number of bad-luck issues to start the 2014 season (albeit with a win in his pocket), Kevin Harvick and the 4 team seem to be finding new ways to DNF.  Here's a look at what the team is planning for the rest of the season:
Keelan & Chim-Chim

--Guy parachutes into the car again, only THIS time, it's during a race.

--Keelan stows away in the trunk with a domesticated chimp.

--"Brown Flag Stop" after eating a day-old sandwich.

--Blocked-in on pit road after the first-ever attempt at a three-tire stop.

--Misses a race to act as John Wes Townley's Designated Driver.

--A piece of his eye gets lodged in some metal.

--Front grill gets clogged with pollutants (Dover only).

--Fuel pickup issues after Aric Almirola stuffs gas tank full with bacon.

--Oh, and he'll probably win again, too.

NascarMania XXX: Wash Away The Anger

With rain pouring down on Texas Motor Speedway, it's a good thing that Nascar has a backup plan--take the show to the Superdome and turn it into a wrestling program!  Here's a look at tonight's scheduled events:

(card subject to change)

Dark (non-televised opening) Matches
"Towering" Timothy Peters vs. "The Other Hermanator" German Quiroga--for control of the good bathroom at Red Horse Racing
"The Finger" Norm Benning vs. "Back Row" Jennifer Jo Cobb
Tonight's Special Guest Host

Sunday Night Tepid Humidity Matches
Jamie Dick "Out" vs. James "Head for the Mountains of" Buescher
"Cousin" Chris Buescher vs. "Daytona" Trevor Bayne--a former Roush Racing Lumberjack Match, with stars from the past acting as "lumberjacks" around the ring--Ted Musgrave!  Danny O'Quinn!  Kevin Lepage!  (and many more)

NascarMania Main Event Matches
Rookie of the Year Championship Match--"Cowboy" Austin Dillon vs. "Bullseye" Kyle Larson vs. "Happy to be Here" Justin Allgaier
"Richer" Childress Legacy Kids (Paul Menard, Brian Scott, Brendan Gaughan) vs. "Sons of a Guns" (John Hunter Nemechek, Chase Elliott, Corey LaJoie)--security guards will be on-hand to prevent Aric Almirola from strangling Brian Scott before the match.
"Flyin'" Ryan Truex vs. Alex "Pepper" Bowman--Escape from Burger King Match, the first competitor to leave the restaurant with Landon Cassill's money wins.
Start & Park Championship--JJ Yeley vs. Dave Blaney (whoever can get out of the ring fastest wins)
Intercontinental Championship--"Melbourne" Marcos Ambrose vs. Mystery Opponent (whichever driver can do the best Canadian accent)
"Bad" Brad Keselowski vs. Kurt "The Outlaw" Busch--Pitboard-on-a-pole Grudge Match
Tag Team Championship Match--"The Old Building" (Jeff Gordon & Kasey Kahne) vs. "The New Building" (Jimmie Johnson & Dale Earnhardt Jr.)--winner also gets a 1998 Honda Civic from Hendrick Used Cars with a REALLY low APR.
Sprint Cup Championship Match--"Marvelous" Matt Kenseth (with Denny Hamlin) vs. Tony "Smoke" Stewart (with Danica Patrick) vs. "Concrete" Carl Edwards (with Ricky Stenhouse Jr.)--with special guest referee Rubina.

Texas "News" and Notes

--Well, they're calling for rain AGAIN this weekend at the track.  I'm really starting to wonder if Darrell Waltrip's "Vortex Theory" is actually working in reverse, DRAWING rain towards where racing is happening.

--Derrike Cope just got married.  Well, all us single men just moved up a slot on the "Most Eligible Bachelor" list.

--It looks like Gene Haas's F1 team is going to become a reality.  Let the uninformed "Danica's going to F1" comments begin!

--Yes, fan voting is going on for the Nascar Hall of Fame, via Nascar's labyrinthine website.  But I couldn't vote for Robert Pressley.  And if I can't vote for Robert Pressley, what's the point?

--Anybody else wonder why us Nascar fans focus so much on TV ratings?  I mean, if the ratings for Houston Astros games are down 33%, do you think that the other two fans really care?

--Does the new Chase format make winning more important?  Yes, in relation to the championship.  But its not like drivers WEREN'T TRYING beforehand.  Well, besides Dave Blaney.

--Did Ty Dillon steal Dave Marcis's hat?

Goofus and Gallant: Nascar Edition 2: The Goofusing

Here's three new "Goofus and Gallant: Nascar Edition" entries--click here to check out the premiere entry.