The 2024 Nascar Cup champion will be Harrison Burton. Think it’s impossible? Let’s see how it will happen:
ROUND OF 16
Atlanta: A weekend-long rainstorm (it is Atlanta, after all) pushes the race to Monday, where a green track collects most of the contenders in a “big one” on lap two. Kyle Busch wins after a race start that still makes more sense than the second IndyCar race at Milwaukee.
Watkins Glen: Chase Elliott and AJ Allmendinger duel for the win, with Elliott coming out on top with a daring (but clean) last turn pass. The second-straight DNF for Ryan Blaney convinces them that what they need is even MORE logos on the Menards paint scheme.
Bristol: The spring tire issues are NOT an anomaly, with multiple drivers suffering issues. Tyler Reddick wins a disaster of a race, while Daniel Suarez is narrowly eliminated by a single point behind Harrison Burton.
ELIMINATED: Ty Gibbs, Chase Briscoe, Ryan Blaney, Daniel Suarez
ROUND OF 12
Kansas: A rather dull race turns wild when Alex Bowman knocks Denny Hamlin out of the way on the last lap for the win. Elton Sawyer begins to regret not changing his cellphone number after Richmond.
Talladega: The biggest wild-card, well, isn’t that wild. Bubba Wallace continues his plate track success with a narrow win over teammate Tyler Reddick. When asked if this was a case of “team orders” gone awry, Reddick informs the media that they’ll have to wait for the “The Fourth Dance” documentary in about 25 years.
Charlotte ROVAL: Harrison Burton needs a “hail mary” to advance, and that’s what he gets, using pit strategy to finish second behind William Byron. He winds up advancing to the next round by a single point over Brad Keselowski, who blames the loss on feigning interest in Boston Red Sox hot stove talk.
ELIMINATED: Austin Cindric, Martin Truex Jr., Denny Hamlin, Brad Keselowski
ROUND OF 8
Las Vegas: The whole sport breathes a sigh of relief as the new Charter agreement is announced the day before the race. Meanwhile, weeks of solid performances finally lead to a win for Kyle Larson, who dominates the race from the pole. Larson finishes his finish line interview with “ball’s in your court, Max”—of course referring to longtime pickup basketball buddy Alvin “Max” Maxwell.
Homestead: Joey Logano gets the pit stop of his life with ten laps to go, swiping the lead from Christopher Bell on his way to the win. A solemn Tyler Reddick, having posted two straight sub-20th place finishes, openly worries that he’ll lose his ride to Ty Gibbs somehow.
Martinsville: After a lengthy rain delay Kyle Larson posts his second win of the round in dominant fashion, leaving most of the drama to unfold at the “cut line”. With three drivers going for one spot, Harrison Burton comes out on top by a single point over William Byron and Tyler Reddick by engineering a move called the “Harrison Melon”.
ELIMINATED: Christopher Bell, Alex Bowman, William Byron, Tyler Reddick
CHAMPIONSHIP RACE
Phoenix: Harrison Burton isn’t given much of a chance here, going up against three former Cup champions. But misfortunes befall all three favorites: Chase Elliott’s ill-handling car leads to a brush with the wall, knocking the toe in. Joey Logano is punted on a restart by one of the dozens of drivers he’s annoyed just past the midway point of the race. And Kyle Larson speeds through pit road on his final stop, the penalty leaving him last of the lead lap. Larson rushes through the field but is unable to pass Harrison Burton, handing the departing Wood Brothers driver the surprise championship. Burton celebrates, ironically, with his replacement Josh Berry, who wins the race in “walk off” fashion for the closing Stewart-Haas Racing. The Nascar media then turn to the issue of the new Charter agree—oh wait they already took care of that, so they mostly just go on vacation to Florida.
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Does this track have lights?
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