Worry was everywhere throughout Speedweeks as a lack of entertaining preliminary races had some predicting a dull, actionless Daytona 500. However, today’s race—with passing, multiple racing lines, and even a few wrecks—came as a complete surprise to idiots who have no idea how racing works.
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| The same people who hate "boring" races also claim to hate multi-car wrecks |
“Jeez, after I saw the Clash, I was thinking the 500 would be a snoozefest”, said fan/moron Zane Brian. “I was complaining online to anyone who would read my tweets that Nascar was dead and that it wasn’t ever coming back. Boy, is my face red!”
Longtime stock car racing observers and experienced fans correctly knew not to use an exhibition race and two qualifying races to predict a 500 mile event with a full-field and the richest purse of the season. However, these pleas for an open mind fell on deaf ears to the sport’s more-imbecilic fans.
“And I *STILL* say that a qualifying race at night can predict how the racing will be in a regular race during the day!”, said dunderhead Felix Biggs. “They just got lucky in the 500—next week we’ll be back to single car racing with nobody passing—last year’s package didn’t work, and THIS YEAR’S package won’t work either!”
Other fans cried foul about today’s race, despite it being almost universally-praised by those without an agenda and with a fully-functioning worldview.
“Didn’t you hear—Jim France (Nascar’s acting leader) told drivers to try the low line today in the pre-race meeting—it was a fix!” said dummy R. J. Fynch, who appears to have less reasoning skills than the average eight-year-old. “When a France family member tells you to do something, you do it. I can’t believe he was so brazen about letting everyone know about it!”, he said, failing to recognize what was obviously a joke.
Fans on the lower end of Nascar fandom’s intelligence scale are regrouping, preparing to complain next week about either the lack of passing or the manufactured drama at Atlanta.
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