Spade Racing

Kaulig Racing Tabs Daniel Hemric for Cup Ride for Some Reason

This is a parody

Preparing for a season of change in 2024, Kaulig Racing has solidified one of its Cup cars for next year, putting Daniel Hemric in the 31 Chevy for some reason.

“We needed someone for the ride, and Daniel was already under contract, so I guess he’s as good a choice as any”, said team spokesman Herb Schultz at Bristol today. “I mean, SOMEone needs to drive the car, so why not Hemric, right?”

Hemric, who has a single win across 235 national touring series starts, seemed mildly pleased with the decision.

“Oh, the Cup ride? Yeah, that’s pretty good, I guess”, Hemric said from the team’s hauler this morning. “Let’s see if we can get some top-20s next year, maybe a top-ten or two. I mean a ride’s a ride.”

The elevation of Hemric from Xfinity back to Cup full-time has been called “The Move That Happened” by several of the sport’s insiders.

“When you have a team that needs a driver, that team will usually hire someone”, said local sportswriter David Abrams. “And having a driver—no matter who it is—tends to be better than not having a driver at all.”

The team must now decide what to do with the number 16 car for next season.

“We’ve looked at a number of options for the 16”, Schultz said. “We feel that AJ (Allmendinger) offers a certain baseline of performance, but we might consider taking a ‘flyer’ on someone who’s a bit less of a known quantity. But regardless of who we choose, you can be sure that there will be a driver of some esteem in the 31 next year, and that will be Daniel Hedrick—I mean, Hemric.”

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Nascar Race Picks: Uncle Max vs. The Tarot Deck—Bristol

As we head into Bristol, we also head into the fall. And while at my old job location that would mean dealing with a million questions about why we already had our holiday stuff up (we were the model store for the region, alright?), now it means getting READY for the holidays at work in September. So the next time you hear from me I’ll be stuck putting up Christmas trees, garland, and window displays that have been gathering dust in the back room for the past nine months.

On the plus side, this distracts me from my terrible start to the year in my fantasy football league. Yeah, it’s only one game, but I run the whole league—I’m supposed to be the best. The comeback should be in effect this weekend (I’m playing the league’s newest/worst participant), but if not I could find myself doing worse there than I do in my Nascar picks this year.

Thursday Night TRUCK SERIES (2 wins) UNOH 200—Zane Smith—reminding everyone that he deserves a Cup ride in 2024—no, not the 51 car.

Friday Night XFINITY SERIES (2 wins) Food City 300: Dale Earnhardt Jr.—yeah it’s a wild pick, but anything can happen at Bristol. Now watch him not qualify.

Saturday Night CUP SERIES Bass Pro Shops 500: The Tarot Deck (1 win) selects the Three of Cups, 13th in points Martin Truex Jr. FAVORITE: Kevin Harvick—who posts the feel-good win of the year? “IT’S HARVICK!”. NEXT FAVORITE (1 win): Chris Buescher—hopefully this makes up for not picking him more-often. DARK HORSE: Ty Gibbs—rookie spin, rookie win?