Nascar Spokesman Admits They Have No Idea What To Do If More Than 16 Drivers Win

The Nascar Cup Series has seen ten different winners in ten straight points paying races, joining three other drivers with non-encumbered wins for 2017.  This spate of wins has caused many to ask what would happen if more than 16 racers qualify for the upcoming Playoffs with wins, which, according to Nascar, is a situation they have not prepared for.

“Well, I asked around Daytona (Beach, Nascar’s corporate headquarters), to see what would happen if we get more than 16 points-paying race winners in the regular season”, said Nascar spokesman Nelson Michaels.  “And, to be honest, I couldn’t get a straight answer from anyone.  So I guess we just got to hope it doesn’t happen then?”

Michaels stated that Nascar never anticipated having more than 15 winners in the 26 race “regular season”, only to have such a thing become a possible reality this year.

“At Nascar, we’re constantly looking for ways to level the playing field and create more winners”, Michaels explained, “but when we tweaked our format and rules package to level the playing field and create more winners, it actually worked.  Oh well, guess there’s a first time for everything?  Or maybe this is more like a broken clock, I dunno…”

Michaels explained that he went to Nascar’s rules-making office for clarification, only to find that the thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters had the day off.  He said he even went straight to Brian France’s office, only to be told by his personal secretary that “1pm to 3pm is nap time around here”.

“Nascar is an ever-evolving sport, and we’re always willing to make changes to improve our on-track product”, Michaels said.  “Even if there’s a problem that we, ourselves, created, we will figure out a way to solve it, creating several other smaller problems in its wake.  That’s the Nascar way.”

Uncle Max: Watkins Glen Weekend Picks

Weekly picks from Spade Racing’s writer/webmaster/janitor Mike Mackler’s uncle.

Ahhh-its great to be back!  I had a great, relaxing week of vacay over at my friend’s beach place.  Nothing like just kicking back with a few cold ones and some hot babes.  Granted, the hot babes were missing, but you take what you can get.

Its it just me, or is the first week back at work after vacation one of the weirdest experiences a person can have?  On the one hand, your stress level is almost nil thanks to the R&R.  On the other hand, things you might have done a thousand times before seem like you’re doing them for the first time ever!  I mean, I know how to check in a delivery at the loading dock, but my first day back?  I was hitting the red button a dozen times before I remembered that the computer guns we use now don’t even HAVE a red button!

Anyways, here’s my picks for the upcoming race weekend at Watkins Glen (total wins in parenthesis):

Xfinity Series Zippo 200 (6 wins)—Justin Allgaier—The Little Gator is sneaky-good on road courses.

Cup Series I Love New York 355 at The Glen:  FAVORITE (3 wins)—Kevin Harvick—doesn’t it seem like one of those weekends where everyone (else) predicts a first-time winner?  NEXT FAVORITE (1 win)—Denny Hamlin—JGR: Right Result, Wrong Driver.  DARK HORSE—Chris Buescher—the student defeats the Dinger.

Jimmie Johnson Given Obnoxious Pro Wrestling Manager to Boost Public Image

Longtime Nascar superstar Jimmie Johnson has won seven Cup Series championships, countless races, and yet still remains one of the most-successful drivers around without a discernible fan base.  Hendrick Motorsports hopes to remedy that with the addition of “Starmaker” Sammy Straker, a well-known professional wrestling manager on the independent circuit.

Selfie of "Starmaker" Sammy
Straker taken in a Hendrick
Motorsports bathroom

“Hahaha, its 2017, and the Nascar world is finally gonna get a taste of what the Starmaker has bakin’ in the oven for Jimmie Johnson!”, Straker said upon being introduced pre-race at Pocono Raceway.  “Jimmie’s already got the gold—seven championships.  He’s got the money—solid sponsorship and an iron-clad contract.  Well now he’s gonna be a STAR, thanks to the Starmaker himself, Sammy Straker!”

Johnson, seated next to the screaming Straker at the press conference, appeared uncomfortable for the duration, though when asked to speak on the new relationship, he was complimentary.

“Well, I’m proud of everything I’ve accomplished here in Nascar”, Johnson said while Straker stood next to him, punctuating Johnson’s comments with spastic finger pointing.  “I’ve never been one to toot my own horn, and maybe that’s why we don’t have the rabid following that a Dale Jr. or a Matt Kenseth has.  I’m hoping that having Mr. Straker here will let me keep my focus on the driving side of things, and he can focus on some of our fan-base building initiatives.”

“‘Fan-base building initiatives’?!?”, Straker interjected, stealing the microphone away.  “Oh no, we’re not about toeing the company line here with the Starmaker—we’re all about getting in those fans’ faces, and making them REALIZE that they are in the presence of greatness each and every time Jimmie sites in that race car!”

Little is known about Straker’s personal or professional life, although his pro-wrestling managerial career is well-documented online.  Most-recently Straker worked simultaneously for First State Wrestling Alliance under his traditional “Starmaker” character, while also moonlighting as the masked “El Managerio” for the Philadelphia-based Lucha Launchpad Legion.