AJ Allmendinger Explains: "I Can Only Listen to Train While High"

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

from Turn 5 Public Relations and DingerRaceCo

At 6pm today, I, AJ Allmendinger, was suspended indefinitely from tonight's Coke Zero 400.  I have only one single excuse:  If it wasn't for drugs, there would have been no way to survive "rock" band Train's pre-race concert.

Typically, when Nascar does one of these pre-race concerts, you can hear the music throughout the facility.  I've tried listening to Train's, um, "music", before without the aid of any mind-altering drugs.  Sadly, the last time I did so sober, I wound up so despondent that I drank a quart of bourbon, then attempted to drive my car, resulting in a DUI.

Since then I've worked with a sports psychologist to improve my tolerance for Train, and thought I was making progress.  Then, their latest album came out.  And while I love Eric McClure as much as the next guy, the lyric "Hefty bag of hope" made me want to ram my head into a wall until I lost consciousness.

I know that drug use is against the rules in Nascar, and for that I apologize.  But without my "medicine", I would have posed an even bigger threat to my competitors during the race, trying to pilot a stock car at 200mph while "Hey Soul Sister" ran through my head.

I only ask that I be given the chance to run the rest of the season without terrible FM-friendly music before the race.  With that guarantee, I can prove to the public that I can race sober, all the way to a 17th place finish.

--AJ Allmendinger

Daytona "News" and Notes

--Rolling STARRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

--Denny Hamlin missed practice on Thursday with a sore back.  While its unfortunate that he was injured, its about time people learn the terrible dangers of Alaskan mushing.

--The new crew chief of the #92 Camping World Truck Series Chevy is named "Kevin Starland".  Here's hoping that when he radios in his command, he uses a Vocal Band.

--If the military loses its Nascar outlet for recruiting, its back to "yvaN eht nioJ".

--Is Matt Kenseth's "lame duck" season a lost cause?  Of course not.  Remember--its KENseth, not KANTseth.

--Don't worry, only two more weeks of Wall Dallenbach.

Spade Racing Network Charity Auctions

Our fine Connecticut colleagues over at ESPN are doing their annual "V Foundation" auctions, giving fans chances at memorabilia, tickets, and once-in-a-lifetime experiences.  Here at Spade Racing Network TV, we've decided to rip-off…er, I mean, pay homage, to this endeavor with some auctions of our own.  All proceeds will go to the "DC Foundation" to fund the annual Spade Racing/Derrike Cope All-Nude Calendar.

AUTHENTIC RACE-USED STERLING MARLIN HAIRPIECE--Here's your chance to own a hair piece of history.  You'll receive one of the many "sandy-blonde" toupees used by Sterling Marlin during his sterling racing career.  Buyer pays for shipping and initial cleaning fee.

DREAM DATE WITH TONY STEWART--Yes, Nascar's most-eligible bachelor will escort you to a dinner at the restaurant of your choice (Burger King and/or Outback Steakhouse strongly preferred).  While the ideal winner for this experience would be a female, males are invited to bid, so long as they can provide enough Schlitz.

ANTI-EXPERIENCE WITH JIMMY SPENCER--This highly-requested experience is perfect for any race-fan.  The winner will be guaranteed to NEVER meet, talk to, or otherwise interact with Jimmy Spencer.  Winning bidder must confirm that they do not live in the Charlotte-area (or Berwick, Pennsylvania).  Important Note--due to high-volume of requests, the Kurt Busch Anti-Experience is no longer available.

USED #43 RPM "PAINT SCHEME" WRAP--"The King" Richard Petty gives you the opportunity to buy one of the 38 unique car wraps placed on his #43 Ford Fusion this year.  You can use said wrap as a makeshift tarp, compact-car cover, or as a really-random "man cave" decoration.  Supplies are NOT very limited.

TOYOTA RACING DEVELOPMENT RACE-BLOWN ENGINE--Yes, the same pieces of machinery that are destroying Kyle Busch's season can now be yours.  Buyer must arrange pick-up, transfer, and removal of "install engine into whiner's car" stickers before receipt.