Brad Keselowski Arrested for Stealing Win from Junior Nation

In a chaotic scene inside Talladega's Victory Lane, race winner Brad Keselowski was led away in handcuffs for grand larceny of a race win from Dale Earnhardt Jr.

"What the hell--I won that race fair and square!" an obviously bewildered Keselowski said to JNBI (Junior Nation Bureau of Investigation) Agents as they handcuffed him upon exiting his car.  "You can't do this!  Junior never wins--you don't have jurisdiction here!"  Crew Chief Paul Wolfe, meanwhile, was charged with aiding and abetting the thievery of a race win, but was allowed to walk free.

"Um, yeah, I guess we, uh, shoulda had that one", an unenthused Dale Earnhardt Jr. said after the arrest, while looking down not making eye contact.  "We, uh, we usually run real good here, but, uh, wasn't really our day.  I guess, uh, it was s'posed to be our day though."

JNBI spokesman Warren Coleman explained that, "…as the world center of Dale Jr. fans, we feel that Talladega is sacred ground.  It was obvious that Dale Jr. was pre-ordained to win here, thus allowing Mr. Hendrick to finally stop dragging around that bag of hats.  Junior Nation depends on merchandise sales to support its economy, and we're expecting our GDP to recover quite nicely."

Keselowski, obviously miffed, began kicking and flailing at JNBI agents, then was forcibly tased before being tossed in the back of a JNBI police cruiser.  Keselowski was then heard begging the agents to break his ankle for good luck.

Nascar, meanwhile, had no comment on the situation, though they were reportedly looking at disqualifying Keselowski for using his hand for aero advantage.

Talladega "News" and Notes

--Furniture Row Racing has been talking with Kurt Busch about a possible second team in 2013.  It makes sense, since Kurt could bring his past champion's provisional and bitter, repellent personality into the fold.

--No, you're not seeing double--the 1 and 39 cars will be running near-identical Bass Pro Shops paint schemes on Sunday.  Unless you really ARE seeing double, in which case, seek help immediately.

--Mike Skinner is teaming up with Jimmy Means for a few races.  Uh, Mike, let me spare you the disappointment later--"Smut" is just a nickname and has nothing to do with porn.  Boy, did I find THAT one out the hard way.

--Saturday is the Kentucky Derby, nicknamed The Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports.  The Most Boring Two Minutes in Sports?  That would be Joe Nemechek's normal raceway.

--Speaking of Kentucky, if you went into the vestibule of the Louisville Slugger headquarters, would you be standing in the Slugger Lobby?

One Hit Wonders of Talladega

Talladega ('Dega) Superspeedway ('Way) has produced more than its fair-share of one-time race winners.  The way I see it, these guys are only HALF the man that Derrike Cope is, but its still worthwhile to look back on their moment in the sun, and see where they are today.

RICHARD BRICKHOUSE (1969)  The winner of the inaugural race at the then-Alabama International Motor Speedway, Brickhouse was mighty-mighty, and let it all hang out.  He beat a field comprised mostly of field-fillers and lower-series drivers (including a then-unknown Richard Childress), with the sport's starts boycotting the event due to safety concerns.  NOW--spends his days on the phone, split between taking calls looking for JACK Brickhouse, and taking prank calls from a very bored Richard Petty (calling looking for Scab E. Racer).

DICK BROOKS (1973)  A former Rookie of the Year (joining such luminaries as Jimmy Hensley and Kevin Conway), Brooks was a fan-favorite long after his single win at 'Dega.  He spent the bulk of his career running for Junie Donlavey, who seemed to only hire guys named "Dick" for awhile.  NOW--Brooks passed away in 2004, but not before racing one last race in 1985 for Rick Hendrick.  Basically its the "I want you to race my car, Cole" scene in Days of Thunder, only with somewhat older guys and the word "Dick".

LENNIE POND (1978) Another ROTY winner (joining such luminaries as Jody Ridley and Andy Lally), Lennie Pond set a world-speed record in his win, back when men were men, cars were unrestricted, and drivers were completely insane.  NOW--Lennie is now retired, after a career as a car salesman.  I'm guessing he was fired for spending all his time filling out his Wikipedia page (look it up if you don't believe me).

RON BOUCHARD (1981) Winning the race in his own ROTY season (joining such luminaries as Mike Skinner and, uh, Ken Bouchard), Ron infamously passed the dueling cars of Darrell Waltrip and Terry Labonte, who both believed that Bouchard was a lap down.  Perhaps as karmic payback, DW would get PLENTY of experience running laps down at the end of his career.  NOW--Ron owns a chain of car dealerships in New England, where you can buy such rarities as the 1983 Plymouth Horizon Allen Bestwick drove to the prom.

BOBBY HILLIN JR. (1986) The then-youngest winner of a Cup race, Hillin won driving for the Stavola Brothers, which I always thought would make a great name for a pizza shop.  Hillin blamed his later lack of success on the reluctance of other drivers to help him out, because they didn't want him to beat them.  Yeah, that was it, he was TOO talented.  NOW--Bobby is a businessman in Texas, running several companies called "T-Rex", which in theory specialize in the banging of gongs, get it on.

PHIL PARSONS (1988) If not for his win, Phil would only be known as The Other Parsons Brother, and The Other Other Skoal Driver.  Parsons recently admitted that the only reason for his victory was a clandestine deal with the devil.  NOW--Phil is stuck paying off his deal with a lifetime of purgatory, also known as "Working with Michael Waltrip".