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| Sorry that they couldn't make this "In Your House" |
Think the Cup series has an off-week this week? Oh no--its time for pro-wrestling, Nascar-style! Or, perhaps, Nascar, pro-wrestling-style, I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. Anyways, here's the lineup for the mega-event (Card subject to change).
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| Never forget... |
DARK MATCHES
Mike "Naked Car" Bliss vs. Michael "The Guy From The Wreck At Texas" McDowell: Estimated match time is two seconds.
Elliott Sadler Invitational: Elliott Sadler welcomes all comers in the continuing grudge match of himself versus vastly more-talented drivers.
OPENING MATCHES
The Rookies (Danica Patrick & Ricky Stenhouse Jr.) vs. The Whoppers (David Reutimann & Travis Kvapil): The Nascar world has been electrified by the rumored friction between The Rookies after a number of wrecks. And by "electrified", I mean it feels like being shocked with an electric dog collar.
Kurt "The Outlaw" Busch & Kyle "Rowdy" Busch vs. Ryan "The Ogre" Newman: This handicap match features Nascar's latest fiery feud as two of the sport's wiriest superstars take on a mountain of a man.
Tony "Smoke" Stewart vs. Michael "Speed-Puncher" Waltrip: In actuality, this match will mimic the way they run their teams, as their business partners will do all the fighting, while these two take most of the credit.
CHAMPIONSHIP MATCHES
Intercontinental Championship--Marcos "Thunder from Down Under" Ambrose vs. Kevin "The Bakersfield Basher" Harvick: Marcos hasn't been the same since his manager, "The Parrott" left him for another wrestler, The Cuban Missile. But will he be able to use Keelan against him?
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| "Alcohol, fast cars, the Hogans... what could go wrong?" |
Money In the Bank Account Championship--Jeff "The Non-Crazy Warrior" Gordon vs. Paul "The Billionaire Boy" Menard: These two financial titans put their fortunes on the line in a rematch from last week's tussle in New Hampshire. Jeff earned his through such duplicitous methods as working his way up the ladder and racing throughout his early years, while Paul earned HIS money the old-fashioned way--his daddy worked for it.
Tag-Team Championship--The Hendrick Hustlers (Kasey Kahne & Dale Earnhardt Jr.) vs. The Gibbs Goliaths (Matt Kenseth & Denny Hamlin): Questions abound in this match-up, like will Denny be healthy enough to compete, and will Dale Jr. care enough to show up?
World Championship--Brad "Crash" Keselowski vs. Jimmie "Five-Time" Johnson: Its a match made in heaven as the reigning titleholder squares off with the most-dominant driver of the past ten years! Unfortunately, they don't have anything to really fight about, so we'll just tell Brad that Jimmie said that he looked like a tv star--Mr. Ed.