Spade Racing Movie Previews: Its The Holiday Season

We've crossed over from pre-Christmas (formerly known as "Thanksgiving") to The Christmas Season (formerly known as "December").  Hollywood knows that most of us will be eager to leave our family-packed homes and get to the movies in the upcoming weeks.  Here's a look at the movies with a Nascar-bent:

"Get back in there, tire!"
Catching Fire:  Paul Menard's Sideburns retell the harrowing tale of his tire exploding on pit road at Homestead.

Out of the Furnace:  Tony Stewart's custom-made iron tibia works great, but there's just one problem--it hates Kurt Busch.

Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas:  Studio executives are still annoyed that Mr. Perry refused to re-title this incisive observation of the early days of USAC Stock Car racing.
Anchorman 2:  John Roberts leads fans on an epic quest to find the most-mysterious treasure of all:  Fox Sports 2.

American Hustle:  Dodge/Mopar fans attempt to bring the marque back into Nascar, despite the public's overarching and overbearing indifference.

Saving Mr. Banks:  An anthropomorphic Daytona International Speedway explains how its kept Nascar from simply lowering its banking to reduce the dependance on restrictor plates.

Her:  Patty Moise spends the entire two-hour long runtime explaining how to pronounce her last name.

Lone Survivor:  Martin Truex Jr. begins his plans to take Furniture Row Racing to the top of the sport.  Spoiler Alert--it involves dropping a nuclear bomb on North Carolina.

The Spade Racing 2013-14 Offseason Preview

With another year of racing in the books, we've officially entered the "Jayski only posts about two pieces of actual news a week" portion of the calendar.  With that being said, I'll still be providing "quality" "news" roughly once a week leading up to Daytona Speedweeks.

Be sure to check out my personal "hub" website, Mack of Spades--now redesigned and much-less ugly!

Also, if you haven't yet, check out my other websites, Nascar Nicknames and Race Shop Reviews.

Commercials Immediately After the Race's server

"Hey Jimmie Johnson fans!  Your driver just won his 6th Sprint Cup Championship!  Go on to and attempt to navigate our impossible website!  If you find our shop, you'll find all sorts of great merchandise, and even those bizarre championship ring hats the 48 crew was wearing!  Be sure to enter code 'SIXPACK' for a free Brian France bobble-chin!  Order today!"

"Hey Denny Hamlin fans!  Your driver just won his first Cup race of the season!  A terrible, injurious year finally comes to a close with a surprise win--remember it with special 'I Survived 2013' t-shirts, hats, and commemorative back-braces!  Be one of our first 100 customers and you could win a day with Elliott Sadler OR JJ Yeley!  Order today!"

It STILL has the COT wing
"Hey Bobby Labonte fans!  Your driver just had his best race of the season by not racing!  Celebrate it with ALL
Bobby Labonte merchandise 95% off!  That's right, remember all the highlights of the past three years--that decent run at Daytona, that Fan Vote win at the All-Star race--with the Kingsford and Clorox merchandise you love!  Order today!"

"Hey Tony Raines fan!  Could you come by the shop tomorrow?  We think you left your cellphone here."

Homestead-Miami "News" and Notes, Championship Edition

--Its the final race of the year, and its Jimmie Johnson's championship to lose.  And if he wins, it'll be the fans' championship to endlessly whine about.

--Matt Kenseth enters Homestead with a small but realistic shot at the title.  To win it, however, he'll have to hope for some bad luck to befall the 48 team.  Y'know, like the kind that befell his own team last week.

--Kevin Harvick comes into the finale with a mathematical--but not realistic--chance at the championship.  Kevin's probably being realistic, and already focusing on a 2014 of stifling his anger at Kurt Busch.

--On the Nationwide side, Austin Dillon comes in with an eight-point lead over Sam Hornish Jr.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Nascar does NOT want a winless champion, so I'm guessing that they'll let Austin go through inspection with that experimental V-56 engine.

--If Austin hangs on to the points lead, he'll become the first winless champion of a major Nascar touring series…sorta.  You see, David Green won the 1994 Busch Series championship with only a single win--the infamous race where Mark Martin pulled into Victory Lane a lap too early.  So basically, we were one screw-up away from this not really being a big deal at all.

--In the Nationwide Owners Championship, nobody cares.

--Finally, Matt Crafton will clinch the Camping World Truck Series championship tonight by simply starting the race.  Never before will there be such focus on simply taking the green flag…well, there were a few races in the late-90's when it looked like Dave Marcis' car would break down on the pace lap, but still...

ChaserMania: Mayhem in (...well, Near) Miami


With Nascar's season ready to finish up, its time for a few all-out brawls LIVE on Pay Per View!  Here's the lineup:
(Card Subject to Change)

Grudge Matches:
David "Beak" Reutimann vs. Travis "Bad Luck" Kvapil (Whopper Match--loser gets flame-broiled).

Juan Pablo "JPM" Montoya vs. Bobby "Mr. 2000" Labonte (Loser Leaves Town--Winner will get to run a partial schedule for MWR in 2014.  Special Guest Referee: Ken Schrader.

"The Exes", Kevin Harvick & Jeff Burton, vs. "The Big Faces", Austin & Ty Dillon.

Title Matches:
Rookie of the Year Championship Belt
Ricky "Loverboy" Stenhouse Jr. vs. "The Spinner" Danica Patrick (Winner gets both the belt AND Timmy Hill).

Disappointing Year Championship Belt
Denny "Air" Hamlin vs. Marcos "Vegemite" Ambrose (NOTE: To compensate for his injured back, Denny will be carried to the ring by the FedEx guy of his choice).

Midwestern Championship Belt
Paul Menard"burns" vs. Brad "Krash" Keselowski (Packer on a Pole match--once reached, Lynn Dickey becomes a legal weapon).

InterContinental Tire Championship Belt
Jeff "The Old Man" Gordon vs. Clint "Itchy" Bowyer
SPECIAL INTERVIEW SESSION:  Wally Dallenbach Jr. sits down with Dale Earnhardt Jr. to see who can be more disinterested.

Tag Team Championship Belt
"The Busch Brothers", Kurt & Kyle (accompanied by manager Samantha), vs. "The Roushkateers", Carl Edwards & Greg Biffle (accompanied by manager Some Guy From The Red Sox).

World Sprint Cup Championship Belt
Matt "The Wisconsin Warrior" Kenseth vs. Jimmie "That's J-I-double-M-I-E) Johnson

Jimmie Johnson Takes 'Em To School

Click here for a goodbye to a winning combination

"Jimmie, I understand what its like to have people constantly misspell your name."
"OK--but who are you?"

OK, class here's today's lesson:

I am Jimmie Johnson.

That's J-I-M-M-I-E Johnson.

My first name is six letters long, NOT five.

I am NOT Jimmy Johnson.  I am J-I-M-M-I-E Johnson.

Jimmy, sans hairpiece
When you talk about Jimmy in Nascar, you're not talking about me, a five-time champion.  You're talking about a big fat guy with a toupee.

When you talk about Jimmy Johnson in sports, you're not talking bout me.  You're talking about a football coach who does embarrassing commercials now.

Again, that's Jimmie Johnson.  J-I-M-M-I-E Johnson.  Not Jimmy.  Jimmie.

Next week: Kenseth, NOT Kenseths.

Michael McDowell Begins "Last Date With The 98" Farewell Tour

Merchandise for sale at Jamesways and Ames everywhere
Bringing a bittersweet end to his four-year stint with Phil Parsons Racing (formerly HP Racing), Michael McDowell rolled into Phoenix International Raceway with a heavy heart, announcing the start of his "Last Date With The 98" Farewell Tour.
"We've had some good times here at Phil Parsons Racing (formerly Prism Motorsports), but all good things must come to an end", McDowell told an assembled room of empty chairs.  "I've really enjoyed my tenure here at PPR, even though it took me till about a month ago to realize that it wasn't the same team as the old Cal Wells Tide car."
Commemorative Last Date with the 98
McDowell's highlights at Phil Parsons Racing (formerly MSRP Racing) include a 9th-place finish in this year's Daytona 500.  McDowell called the top-ten in The Great American Race "…like a win for us.  So much like a win, in fact, that we took the following few races off just to celebrate.  Man, those chicken salad sandwiches Phil brought to the race shop that Tuesday were pretty good."
McDowell acknowledged that his departure was mostly due to an inability to reach an agreement with the team's primary sponsor, Black Paint Inc.  However, he refused to make excuses for the team's recent disappointing behavior.
"Sure, I wish we were running better", McDowell answered to a question apparently called out in his own mind.  "but I still think both myself and this team have some impressive 32nd-place finishes ahead of them.  We just both needed a change of scenery."
McDowell takes over the #95 Levine Family Racing car in 2014, with solid backing from Red Paint Co., but has said that he's currently focused solely on finishing out the 2013 season for Phil Parsons Racing (formerly Phil's House of Racing & Foundry).
"Finishing strong is what the 'Last Date With The 98' is all about", McDowell said.  "And if we're able to siphon some gas out of one of the other team's haulers, we'll be there to run next week."

Silly Season Recap--Part II

22 Joey Logano--Other than AutoZone joining as an associate sponsor, nothing changes (although it would be nice if Joey's VOICE finally changed).

24 Jeff Gordon--Jeff and his sponsors come back again, while his crew chief continues to be criticized by fans incessantly.

27 Paul Menard--Did you REALLY expect ANYTHING to change?

29 (or 3) Austin Dillon--Austin is widely expected to run for Rookie of the Year in Kevin Harvick's old ride, which is also widely expected to transition to the #3.  Sponsorship remains up in the air, though Cheerios is likely to join (gotta love a sponsor you feed with a spoon!).

30 ???--Who cares.

Newman's 2014 CAT look.
People love cats.
31 Ryan Newman--Rocketman comes over with Caterpillar and Quicken Loans splitting virtuality the entire schedule.  No word on the status of the Smurfs.

32 ???--No news here yet, besides Ken Schrader announcing his retirement from Cup racing at the end of 2013.  Fans were shocked that he chose to retire now, and not in 2006.

33 ???--The Falk/Hillman duo may or may not return in 2014.

34 David Ragan--This year's most-surprising race-winner comes back next season as-is, though sponsorship stays undecided (read: Taco Bell).

35 Josh Wise--Even Josh is starting to wonder how he stays in this ride.

38 David Gilliland--David Ragan's pushing partner returns for 2014.

41 Kurt Busch--The biggest (and most-surprising) change for 2014 has Kurt Busch moving to a brand-new Stewart-Haas Racing team, sponsored "in-house" by Haas Automation.  Look for Kurt to stay here for good…well, until a ride opens up at Hendrick.

42 Kyle Larson--The young phenom moves up to challenge for Rookie of the Year.  Target remains, allowing Kyle to continue the great tradition of Jimmy Spencer and Reed Sorenson.

43 Aric Alimrola--No big changes in store for the driver with the oddest first-name in the sport.
They should make this glow in the dark

47 AJ Allmendinger--The Dinger takes over for Bobby Labonte, whose future remains up in the air (though I'm guessing that air smells like a Past Champion's Provisional).  All the food and bleach sponsors come back.

48 Jimmie Johnson--No big changes here, though it would be nice if "Kobalt" Tools actually learned how to spell.

51 ???--Probably the best-ride available has been rumored for Justin Allgaier.  Nobody can figure out why this team is STILL called Phoenix Racing.

55 Brian Vickers--Vickers takes over for Mark Vicktrip in 2014, with Aaron's staying on-board for the entire season.

56 ??? (part-time)--The former Napa team is scaling back to part-time.  Michael Waltrip is expected to run at the plate tracks, with Jeff Burton rumored for a number of other races.  And thus, a team with a long history of, um…"success?", begins to wind down.

78 Martin Truex Jr.--The pride of Jersey moves over to Colorado's #1 racing team.

83 & 93 Reuty & Kvapil?--BK Racing may or may not return with its dynamic duo next year.  Though if they don't, expect far fewer cautions.

87 Joe Nemechek--No changes, although running a majority of the race lengths in 2013 may have aged Joe terribly.

88 Dale Earnhardt Jr.--National Guard and Mtn Dew/Amp return to sponsor about two-thirds of the schedule between them.  The rest of the schedule may or may not be picked up by the Mystery Sponsor that still hasn't been announced.

95 Michael McDowell--McDowell takes a bold step sideways.

98 ???--The driver remains unknown, though sponsor Black Paint is expected to return.

99 Carl Edwards--No changes here, with the slew of sponsors expected to come back.  No word on if Carl will continue to do commercials for sandwich shops with sideline reporters.

Silly Season Recap--Part I

With the actual 2013 Sprint Cup season almost over with, the 2013 Silly Season is also almost over with.  Since most of you don't have the kind of time I have to pore over data (…because you have lives), I've filtered it down into two easy-to-read articles:

1 Jamie McMurray--No changes, other than no longer mentioning his winless streak.

2 Brad Keselowski--Miller Lite stays, but for 12 less races.  Oddly enough, this was requested by the TEAM, not the sponsor.  Rumor has Alliance Auto Parts stepping up from Nationwide, thus putting Sam Hornish Jr. out of work.

Harvick's 2014 car, carrying on the
great tradition of Kevin Lepage
4 Kevin Harvick--This is the old #39, with Harv stepping in for Ryan Newman.  Budweiser and Jimmy Johns come over from RCR as well, though due to an unbreakable contract clause, Keelan Harvick will remain at RCR through at least 2015.

5 Kasey Kahne--No big changes, other than Great Clips stepping up to sponsor 10 races next year, as well as continuing to support the stock car career of Brad Sweet for some reason.

7 & 36 ??? --The TBR cars remain open (as does the sponsorship situation) for 2014.

9 Marcos Ambrose--No big changes, though Twisted Tea joins as an associate sponsor.  I'm surprised that DeWalt allowed it, given their "Don't Drink & Drill" campaign.

10 Danica Patrick--No big changes here (beyond Aspen Dental sponsoring two races).  Because any time you have a top-flight race team with top-flight sponsorship running around 22nd place each week, you leave that alone.

11 Denny Hamlin--Everybody returns as usual next year, unless Denny finally gets that robotic back implant.

13 Casey Mears--Germain Racing moves over to Chevy and the RCR sinking ship--I mean, race team.

14 Tony Stewart--Smoke should be returning in time for Daytona Speedweeks with the usual cast of sponsors.  Here's hoping Johnny Morris doesn't make him deliver Bass Pro Shops orders again.

15 Clint Bowyer--No big changes here, though I'm sure they're itching to make some.
Timmy Hill's still wondering why
HE didn't get this sponsorship

16 Greg Biffle--Things stay the same for The Biff, though personally, I would be shaken to my core if Jimmie Johnson repeatedly told me, "I was inside of you".

17 Ricky Stenhouse Jr.--Nationwide Insurance joins Best Buy, Zest & Fifth Third Bank at The 'House.

18 Kyle Busch--No changes planned here, with the natural pairing of candy and automotive batteries staying strong.

20 Matt Kenseth--No changes for them, though Home Depot might replace its Husky Tools sponsorship with Big-Boned Lumber or Pleasingly-Plump Piping.

21 Trevor Bayne (part-time)--Motorcraft returns to sponsor approximately 12 races in 2014.  Meanwhile, Trevor remains at only half the stature of Derrike Cope.

Part II tomorrow

Jimmie vs. Matt: Tale O' The Tape

Upon leaving today's race at Texas (aka The Other Marathon), we're down to a two-man race for the championship.  With only two races to go, lets take a look at the Tale of the Tape between these two superstars.

Jimmie Johnson: Hendrick Motorsports (former home of Wally Dallenbach)
Matt Kenseth: Joe Gibbs Racing (former home of JJ Yeley)

Adding to what Larry McReynolds said
earlier today: Deciding between the
48 & the 20 is " deciding between
the red and black on a roulette wheel"
--and the 29 is the 0 & 00.
JJ: Lowe's (a good place to get lost in)
MK: Home Depot (another good place to get lost in) and Dollar General (a good place to find styrofoam coolers)

Crew Chiefs
JJ: Chad Kanus (cheated, conspired, makes a mean bean dip)
MK: Jason Ratcliff (relatively new to the Cup Series, bean dip is a little too tangy)

JJ: Five (but if it wasn't for the Chase…conspiracy theorists would have much less to whine about)
MK: One (which led to the Chase being implemented, thus denying us thrilling 200-point leads going into Homestead)

JJ: n/a
MK: droll, dry (kinda like an emcee at a comedy club)

Fanbase Consists Of
JJ: Younger siblings of Jeff Gordon fans (and a few Casey Mears transplants)
MK: Wisconsinites who are OK with not watching football (aka Communists)

Texas "News" and Notes

--Every time a race goes green at Texas, it guarantees that it'll be better than the worst "race" in Texas history (CART's Firestone Firehawk 600).

--The duel between Matt Kenseth and Jimmie Johnson moves on to Texas, with both drivers tied at the top of the standings.  Its the battle between The Guy Who's Dull But People Think Is Exciting, and The Guy Who's Exciting But People Think Is Dull.

--Meanwhile, Jeff Gordon refuses to go down without a fight, staying in contention, albeit as a long-shot, with last week's win at Martinsville.  I'd like to go back about 18 years and tell my past-self that one day, Jeff Gordon will be considered a popular underdog.

--Martin Truex Jr. will be moving to the Furniture Row Racing car in 2014.  The announcement was finally made official today, after which Fox Sports 1 cut-and-pasted Truex's head onto Kurt Busch's graphic.  Um, FS1 graphics department?  You MIGHT want to airbrush out that "Sprint Cup Champion" patch too.

--I'd be much more excited about the "Lionel Racing Golden Ticket" promotion if it was actually run by Lionel Richie (with his hit, "Diecast On The Ceiling").