Jamie McMurray Presented With Lifetime Supply of Mayonnaise Post-Race

While Matt Kenseth is the driver taking home the trophy after the Quaker State 400, Jamie McMurray has the "biggest" prize, having been presented with a lifetime supply of Hellman's Mayonnaise following his runner-up finish.
"Mr. McMurray, for your fine second-place finish in the race today, we are proud to present YOU with a lifetime supply of our Hellman's-brand Real Mayonnaise!", said chairman and CEO J. Thaddeus Hellman VIII.  "With your great finish today, we know that dozens more people have become aware of the world's greatest sandwich topping!"
The diecast car they'd make if
anybody still bought diecast cars
"Hey, thanks Mr. H!", said McMurray, taking the keys to a drop-trailer full of mayonnaise jars.  "I sure do love your product on my ham sandwiches, and there's nothing like a spoonful of Hellman's to add some zing to baked chicken."
McMurray the posed for pictures with Hellman VIII, COO C.Montgomery Hellman III, and E. Stan BestFoods, Director of Southeastern US Marketing.  He also jokingly held a jar of mayonnaise to his mouth, as though he was going to "drink" the mayo following the race.
"Go ahead, Jamie--we drink mayo for a quick snack every day!" said Hellman VIII.  "Um, but I wouldn't drink from those jars that were sitting out in the rain last night."
While McMurray said he didn't know what he would do which each jar of mayonnaise, he said he remains grateful for the prize.
"I'm sure I'll be making some mayonnaise milkshakes in a few weeks, but I'm still happy to get this wonderful gift.  Better than when I won in the Bass Pro car--all they gave me was some bait and an old Dave Marcis t-shirt."
In other news, Clint Bowyer was given a Toyota Camry 30th anniversary beer coozie for his third-place run.

Kentucky "News" and Notes

--Its nice to see Richard Childress adding fuel to the fire of whether or not he'll run the #3 next season, aka The Biggest Non-Story of the Season.

--Alyssa Milano's "Touch" line of branded sportswear will launch soon, featuring nine of Nascar's top drivers (and Danica Patrick).

--Its nice that RPM locked up GoBowling.com to sponsor the 43 car at Pocono, but this will only draw attention to the ongoing Candlepin vs. Duckpin holy war that's been raging in the northeast for decades.

--For the first time since the end of the 1992 season, Bobby Labonte will not be entered in a Cup race.  After watching the race at home--and seeing those incessant AT&T kids commercials--I bet he'll be back the following week no matter what.

--Similarly, this will be the first weekend in many years that Todd Bodine doesn't attempt the Truck Series race (having been replaced by Brett Moffitt).  Todd's a lot like Bobby Labonte, except that he's bald and nobody likes him.

Spade Racing Summer Blockbuster Preview

With the days getting longer and the temperatures rising, it means two things--its summer blockbuster season at the movies, and Wally Dallenbach is sleepwalking through six Cup races again.  Here's a look at the Nascar-themed movies coming soon to a multiplex near you.

The Lone Ranger:  Kurt Busch fights for his tiny, determined one-car team till the bitter end…or until someone offers him more money.

Despicable Me 2:  Brad Keselowski finally reaches the point where he's annoyed everybody in the Sprint Cup garage.
The female Kenny Rogers?

The Way, Way Back:  A.J. Allmendinger figures out the best way back to the top of Nascar--explaining to everybody that he ALWAYS looks like he just lit one up.

Pacific Rim:  Nascar's further attempts to build a race track in the Pacific Northwest is thwarted--again--by a hideous monster (Linda Evans).

The Hunt:  Martin Truex Jr. tries to end his days-old winless streak.

Turbo:  In this science-fiction/fantasy tale, viewers are expected to believe the unbelievable:  That people are actually interested in IndyCar racing.

The Conjuring:  For Bobby Labonte to win again, he's going to have to revisit what kept his hair like that through the 90's:  Black magic.

Girl Most Likely:  In this groundbreaking documentary, 500 Nascar fans explain why Johanna Long would success in Cup.  Consists of 500 scenes of people saying, "She won the Snowball Derby!".

The Wolverine:  Dale Jr. lets his hair grow out to become even MORE unappealing.

Truex Post-Win: "Crap, I'm Still From New Jersey"

While happy to have broken his 218-race winless streak--and bolster his place in the Chase standings--Martin Truex Jr. was still rather dour in Victory Lane, owing to his home state.
"Crap, I'm still from New Jersey", a disappointed Truex said upon exiting his confetti-covered car.  "I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad we won.  REALLY glad.  But still…I'm from New Jersey."
The New Jersey State Forest
Truex said that, while the Michael Waltrip Racing team has made numerous changes to become more competitive, there's no changes that can be made to alter his lineage.
"This team, man--we've just improved by leaps and bounds.  I'm so proud of my crew, Chad (Johnson), my crew chief, its amazing what this team has done over the past few weeks.  Almost enough to make me forget that I'm from a state that's a running punchline for the rest of the nation.  Almost."
Truex went on to explain that, even winning on a road course (not exactly his forte) did nothing to eliminate the sting of being from the Garden State.
"Yeah, its great to finally get one on one of these road courses", Truex glumly said, "but I'm the only guy in the field from a state where you can't make left-hand turns.  We HAD to turn right all the time growing up.  And hey, I didn't have to worry about fueling issues on pit road--I'm not even ALLOWED to put gas in my car in my home state!"
Truex appeared to become slightly more upbeat upon hoisting the trophy, but quickly returned to his disappointed state about his disappointing state.
"Now that we got one of 'em, we've gotta go get a bunch of 'em", Truex told a reporter.  "But winning two, three, TEN races in a row won't do anything to change the fact that, on my birth certificate, I'm listed as being from New York's armpit, Pennsylvania's loser cousin, Delaware's dumpy ex-girlfriend."
"New Jersey", Truex said while sitting down on the Victory Lane steps, slowly shaking his head.  "New-freaking-Jersey."

Sonoma "News" and Notes: Special Ringer Edition

With Nascar hitting one of its two road course stops on the Sprint Cup circuit this week, a number of teams are employing a number of road course specialists.  While virtually none of these teams have much of a shot at winning, a little pit strategy, timely passes, and luck could have them fighting for a top-30 finish.  Here's quick rundown of this weekend's road course ringers.

Justin Marks--Tommy Baldwin Racing #7 (Sany):  Justin co-owns a karting facility in North Carolina with Michael McDowell, called "Two Guys Who Got Screwed When The Nascar Economy Collapsed".

Alex Kennedy--Humphrey-Smith Racing #19 (MediaMaster):  Hmm, that's odd…I had no idea that start and park teams controlled the media.

Boris Said's hair idol
Boris Said--FAS Lane Racing #32 (HendrickCars.com):  When reached for comment, Boris replied, "BORIS MAD!  BORIS GET REVENGE ON BIFF!  BORIS HAVE LOW APR ON NEW BMW 3-SERIES!"

Ron Fellows--Circle Sport Racing #33 (Canadian Tire):  Though this team typically start and parks whenever a non-Dillon is in the drivers seat, Ron brings solid sponsorship to the team--so you KNOW they'll be on their Eh-Game.

Victor Gonzales Jr.--Tommy Baldwin Racing #36 (currently unsponsored):  Its good to know that Victor isn't self-conscious about running a stark-naked car on national TV.

Jacques Villeneuve--Phoenix Racing #51 (Tag Heuer Eyewear):  Well, if you're planning to shut down your race team, you might as well wreck all the remaining inventory first.

Paulie Harraka--BKM #52 (HASA Pool Products):  Lets see--born in Northern New Jersey, goes to Duke, vacations in Northern California?  Yep, sounds about right to me.

Tomy Drissi--NEMCO Motorsports #87 (Wolverine):  No word on if Tomy will be equipped with the "Instant Excitement--Just Add Oil" apparatus last used by the 87 car at Watkins Glen.

Junior's New Sponsor

The face of your company!

Rick Hendrick has been dropping hints for days now that he has a multi-year sponsor lined up for Dale Earnhardt Jr.  In addition to taking his own sweet time (which is always a good sign--hey, maybe Forward Air is finally ready to sponsor that second Morgan-McClure car!), Mr. H has informed us that the sponsor will be new to Nascar.  So who is it?  Here's our best guesses:

Revo/DaleJrFootwear:  Though I don't know much about the company itself, I've been seeing their ads online incessantly for the past few weeks.  And considering that I have wide enough feet that most shoes don't fit me--and that I'm not a Dale Jr fan--it seems like their marketing department has enough mismanagement and lack of oversight to fight right in with Nascar.

Cabela's:  The outdoor superstore is a major competitor of Nascar mainstay Bass Pro Shops and a favorite of the guys who used to beat me up in middle school.  And no, I didn't bother to check to see if they sponsored someone 10 years ago, so there.
Enjoyed in the back alley behind
Dover Downs for decades!

Night Train:  Strangely enough, none of the E & J Gallo Winery fortified wines have ever sponsored a car.  Amongst the Nascar elite, Dale Jr. would seem to represent their target market best--sullen appearance, unkempt beard, and keeps to himself.

Brach's Candy:  Finally, a way for all the Kyle Busch-haters to put their money where their mouth is by buying an alternative to M&M's.  And besides, if you have to spend $5,000,000 more per year to sell a dozen more pounds of candy corn, don't you make that move?

General Motors LLC:  No they haven't--that was Motors Liquidation Company.  Remember when Dale Sr. ran that black MLC Goodwrench Plus paint scheme?  Man, those were the days.

Oscar Mayer:  Nope, they haven't sponsored a race team yet.  And yes, we'd all be waiting for a Weinermobile special paint scheme.  But let's be honest--Dale Jr. DOES look like the kind of guy who'd eat bologna straight from the plastic package, doesn't he?

Timmy Hill: The Spade Racing Profile

"That 22nd place finish is just a few years away!"

PROGRAMMING NOTE:  I was enjoying father's day with my dad, so I skipped the race.

Most of the Sunoco Rookie of the Year attention has been focused on two drivers: Ricky Stenhouse Jr., and that girl that he's dating, Dani-something.  But there's a third driver entered in the rookie race, a man by the name of Timmy Hill.  But who is this mysterious Marylander?  That's where I come in!  Here's everything you ever didn't want to know about Mr. Timothy Hill:

--Timmy lists his hometown as Port Tobacco, Maryland.  I'm surprised that Nascar allows this, what with the Master Settlement and what-not.

--Incidentally, Port Tobacco's population (as of the 2010 Census) is 13.  Yes, 13 people.  Really.  I guess that when Timmy leaves to go to the track, the last thing he does is turn the light out on the town.

--Timmy's big-break was getting a Nationwide Series ride with Rick Ware Racing, aka The Hardest Team Name to Pronounce.

--Despite running a handful of Cup races in 2012, Timmy only declared for the ROTY title this season.  I always wonder how drivers "declare" for such things.  Do they show up at Brian France's office, and say, "Turn down the Demi Lovato music, Brian--I am DECLARING!!!".

--Timmy's primary sponsor is something called OXYwater, which currently holds the world record for brightest website.

--Timmy's sharing the 32 FAS Lane Racing ride with Terry Labonte and Ken Schrader.  I'm assuming Timmy has bugged Kenny incessantly to take him to a strip club.

--Timmy's career highlight (so far) has been winning the 2011 Nationwide Series Rookie of the Year award, coming after Ricky Stenhouse Jr., and before Austin Dillon.  Jeez, its like the worst Oreo cookie of all.

--On Timmy's website, there's an address for which to mail autograph requests.  Does the race team mail back a signed hero card, or does Timmy just show up at your door?

--Timmy is one of two Maryland-based drivers in the national touring series, the other being Travis Pastrana Spins On the Backstretch.

--I can't find any information on Timmy's personal life.  I mean, how do we know if he likes living life to the fullest?  Is it true that he's wanted to be a racer since he first sat in a go-cart?  And just how much has his family helped his career by making sacrifices so he could race?

Michigan "News" & Notes (…but first, a remembrance)

Obviously, thoughts go out to Jason Leffler's family, friends, and fans after he was tragically killed this past week in a sprint car race.  Even though there's no easy way to move on, let's try.

--Brad Keselowski's latest complaint is that Hendrick and JGR tend to "steal" other employees (namely from Ford teams) to gain insider information.  Um, that happens in every sport and almost every workplace, Brad.  Maybe its time for BKes to put away the tin foil hat and call off the lookout for black helicopters.

--Speaking of Ford, the blue oval boys go for their 1,000th Nascar win this weekend.  To be fair, the Ford BRAND only has 899 wins, while Mercury has 96, Lincoln has 4, and Merkur has 0.

--Brian Vickers is running a Louisville basketball paint scheme at Kentucky?  Wow--Michael Waltrip Racing sure has a lot of bandwagon college sports fans!

--Memo to James Finch:  The best way to gain sponsors is to succeed on the track and be open to as many opportunities as possible, not by constantly talking about shutting down your team.
-Good to see that Eric McClure is getting a new crew chief…I really think he's capable of far more 22nd-place finishes than he's got so far.

PROGRAMMING NOTE--in observance of Father's Day, I'll be away for most of the Michigan Cup race.  Hopefully I can get a recap article up Sunday evening, but if not, entertain yourselves.

Safety: How it can Work for You

Nascar's made amazing advances in the field of driver safety over the years.  With that being said, unfortunately not enough of these innovations have crossed over into everyday, passenger-car driving.  Well, I think its time to change that!  (Note: None of these ideas have any patents pending whatsoever).

No connection to the
FRANZ Device
HANS Device--Bad music head nodding prevention.  We've all been in that awkward situation where some lame pop song comes on the radio, but the back-beat is just enough to get your head moving to the rhythm.  Of course, after a few seconds, you realize that your carpool mates are staring at you, horrified that you were getting far too into Karmin's "Brokenhearted".  That's where Nascar comes to the rescue!  Thanks to the Head and Neck Support Device, you'll never be lightly head-banging to Nickelback again.

SAFER Barrier--Texting-while-driving life saver.  Everybody knows that texting on your cell phone while driving isn't safe.  But everybody just HAS to let their friend know that the new Wendy's is opening up on 22nd Street.  So what do you do?  Run the risk of careening into oncoming traffic?  Run the risk of sliding down a ravine?  YES!  Thanks to the installation of Steel and Foam Energy Reduction Barriers on highways everywhere, you'll be free to continue your inane conversations 140 characters at the time.  And best of all, you won't die.  Even though you might deserve to.

7-Post Shaker--Loose change finder.  The development of the 7-post shaker machine has allowed teams to simulate race-track conditions in a limited, enclosed area, saving both time and money.  But why should Nascar get all the benefits?  We've all been there, groping around between the seats for that quarter you just KNOW you had with you when you sat down.  With the 7-post shaker home edition, loose change can't hide anymore!  Just put your car in the machine and watch the coins fall right out.  Also great for finding where that rattling noise is coming from!  (NOTE: Do not leave carbonated beverages in your car while using the 7-post shaker).

Jimmie Johnson Win a Bonanza for Conspiracy Theorists

A completely dominating performance at Pocono Raceway solidifies Jimmie Johnson's status as the top racer in Nascar so far this season.  But the win was even bigger for Nascar conspiracy theorists, who quickly went to work on showing why Nascar handed him this win.
Montoya's just PART
of the plan, man!  He's
in too deep!
"Oh come on, this was OBVIOUSLY rigged!", said Nascar fan and black-helicopter enthusiast Steve Franklin.  "Jimmie starts on the pole, after qualifying is CANCELLED--come on, do I need to spell it out for you?"
When informed that qualifying was rained out due to torrential downpours, Franklin remained unfazed.
"We all know that Nascar controls the weather", he continued from his home office.  "Nascar ALWAYS wants Jimmie and Cheater Chad (Knaus) to win--you've seen the ratings!"
Franklin was not alone in his suspicions.
"Nascar does everything it can to keep Dale (Earnhardt) Jr. out of victory lane", typed longtime Nascar fan Clay Brenden on a popular message board.  "Brian (France) just wants to keep his buddy Jimmie Johnson winning again so Nascar can sell all those Kobalt Tools diecast cars.  I'm through with Nascar--I'm never watching another race again!"
When informed that previous posts had shown that he had watched every race since 1992, and had made that threat after every race since 1998, Brenden replied, "SHUT UP!"
Most of those actually involved in the sport chalk up Johnson's dominance to a strong engine program, quick pit crew, and overall talent level on the 48 team.  But not all agreed.
"Come on, everybody knows that Nascar just wants to see Hendrick cars in Victory Lane every week." said driver Timmy Hill.  "If the 48 car was black flagged for failing inspection--LIKE THEY SHOULD BE--my car would be running top-30--EASY!"
When it was pointed out that Nascar had just black-flagged Johnson last week for jumping a restart, Hill replied, "SHUT UP!"

Pocono "News" and Notes

--With Tropical Storm Andrea bearing down on the Mid-Atlantic, all practices and qualifying could be cancelled at Pocono this weekend.  And with a brand new racing surface…yep, could be a recipe for disaster.

--TNT takes over the broadcast rights for the next six races, but it won't seem too strange.  After all, its basically the Speed Channel All-Stars and an extremely disinterested Wally Dallenbach Jr.

--Richard Petty Motorsports has started looking to the future, signing Corey LaJoie and Ryan Truex to developmental deals.  You know, its nice to see the son and brother of Nascar competitors FINALLY get a shot at the big-time.

--Jeff Gordon debuts the new "Axalta" logo on his car this weekend.  Axalta is the successor to Dupont's automotive finishes division, boasting such brands as Cromax Pro, Imron Elite, and Obviousfakename Supreme.

--Remember when Pocono was one of the dullest tracks on the circuit?  Thank you, double-file restarts!

--Whatever the Vegas Line is on Number of Blown Toyota Engines this week, take the OVER.

Deja Vu for the Blue 2 Crew

"This stuff NEVER happens to Brian..."

Well, Brad Keselowski's car failed inspection…again.  And he's been fined and docked points…again.  And I'm sure he's going to make a vague accusation about Nascar being out to get him…again.  It looks like the Penske crew won't be appealing this penalty, but they really should--just look at the excuses they have!

--All…Brad's…friends…know the low-rider.

--The team jumped for joy on top of the car to celebrate Jimmie Johnson's restart penalty.

--Was trying to drop the car on his ankle to spur another mid-season injury-fueled comeback.

--Shop crew hasn't been the same since noticing Iggy Pop in that Chrysler commercial.

--Something something Chad Knaus something clone something.

--Gen 6 car was incompatible with the Gen 2 racing surface at Dover.

--Brad slammed the car with his fist upon realizing he was in Delaware.

--Well, Miller Lite IS a "Low-End" Beer.

Jimmie Johnson: "I was just trying to beat the traffic"

A visibly irritated Jimmie Johnson explained in his post-rave interview that he wasn't necessarily "jumping" the restart to gain on-track advantage, he was just trying to get out of the track quicker.
Current satellite image outside
Dover International Speedway
"Oh, come on, you've dealt with the traffic here!", Johnson vented to a group of reporters.  "You don't get out of here early enough and Route 13 is a PARKING LOT.  Not to mention the merge onto I-95--there's going to be beach traffic this late in the day!"
Johnson was penalized by Nascar for restarting on the final restart too soon, blowing conspiracy theories everywhere to pieces.
"There was no way I was trying to get an on-track advantage with my restart", Johnson explained.  "I didn't need it--Chad (Knaus) made sure we had the oversized engine for this weeke--um, forget that I said that guys."
Johnson remains tied with Richard Petty and Bobby Allison for the most wins at Dover with seven.  Johnson said that, despite the penalty, he still has fond memories of Dover.
"Our first win here was big, getting stuck in that traffic around Smyrna.  Then there was our first win here in the Gen-5 car--man, it felt like we waited behind that overheating RV in front of the Pizzeria Uno for HOURS!  And last year I found out that, even if you have a rainbow wig on, they won't let you cut through the fence to the Route 1 bypass."
In an unrelated story, race winner Tony Stewart's sponsor, Code 3 Associates (an animal rescue organization), has said they will drop Stewart for aggressively chasing and attempting to run over a bunny on-track today.