a MOXOC Media Production
On Wednesday December 21st Panini released its upscale PRIZM line of Nascar cards. On Friday December 23rd, a hobby box arrived at my place!
Over the next three months I’ll be opening all twelve twelve card packs of this box—and you’ll get to see what’s there!
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Buy the book 100 Stock Car Racing What Ifs Unauthorized
A MOXOC Media production
The successful yet tumultuous 2022 season of Special Protective Advance Defense Department Detachment (SPAD3) Racing, NASCAR Cup’s newest team, has abruptly come to an end, with the team disappearing completely from its Northern Virginia headquarters overnight.
“Yesterday I was here for a competition meeting, and today—POOF, its gone”, said crew chief Mike Henshaw. “Everything—the six-post shaker, the tires, the torture room—all gone in a matter of hours.”
Henshaw stood outside the now-vacated building of the apparently now out of business race team, as NASCAR confirmed that the team’s Cup Series Charter was returned to the sanctioning body.
“Its a little strange that a team would just return one of these Charters, but I guess there were plans bigger than money for them”, said NASCAR spokesman Paul Roselle. “We’ll be glad to auction off this valuable Charter to the highest bidder and return a portion of the proceeds to the SPAD3 Racing team, assuming they can be found.”
Nobody in the NASCAR community was able to give an explanation for the team’s actions—several rival team members said they knew little about the organization, other than their stealth-like behaviors and lack of fingerprints. Other than the team’s statistics, it appears little remains from the group’s year-long experience in NASCAR.
“I’ll never be able to forget what happened behind those doors”, Henshaw said, gesturing to the dark building where a “FOR RENT” sign was being posted. “The horrible experiments, the bizarre stories, the memory wipes they tried on me. Was it worth it to the team just to do better than their forebears, 52 Pickup Racing? We may never know."
Dover Motor Speedway—Nascar’s oldest racing surface—announced today that they will finally be replacing their concrete track surface for the 2033 season.
“All good things must come to an end—hey, even Jimmy Means finally shut down his Xfinity BrainVision team”, said Dover Motor Speedway spokesperson Anita Gordon. “After 37 years of service and countless patchings and re-patchings, the concrete at Dover will be torn up and replaced for the 2033 Nascar NaniteCo Cup Series.”
Gordon said that the new surface will feature numerous state-of-the-art road surface technologies, including:
—Aggregate made from torn-down Dupont buildings
—Acid-rain-repellant sealant
—“Self-healing” seams in turn 2, negating the need for multiple in-race replacements.
“We see this as the best way to keep our date on the NaniteCo Cup Series schedule”, said Gordon. “And we’re moving as far away from the Monster Bridge Disaster of ’29 as we can—its still amazing that the only injuries were to some part-time writer from Wilmington.”
The tearing up of the current surface is expected to begin next week, with chunks of it available for purchase for just 299D’s per square inch.
IN OTHER NEWS: Virtual “Mental Smoking” Apps Banned from Nascar Sponsorship
www.doesthistrackhavelights.com NEW!
www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
A MOXOC Media production
Join us (well, me) as we/I go through a box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards. New teams, new drivers, new subsets, and of course some corny commentary by me.
RATING: 8 post race penalties out of 10
www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
A MOXOC Media production
Stock Car Racing and Country Music—two pillars of culture in the Southern United States. And the two have mingled throughout the years. So put on your racing shoes, make sure they match your cowboy hat, and settle in for a look back at some of Nascar’s biggest stars turned Nashville wannabes!
The Song: I’m Always a Winner with You by Vince Matthews & Betty Fisher
The Star: Joe Ruttman
The Clip:
The Review: “OK, lets slow it down a little bit”…Joe Ruttman (of all people) gets the slow dance romantic song. Anybody else find it ironic that he talk-sings about being close to someone when he infamously showed up at a track without a pit crew?
The Verdict: The kind of music you’d expect to see two 70-somethings dancing to.
It was a banner day at Nascar’s Daytona Beach headquarters today, as CEO Ben Kennedy confirmed long-standing rumors that Nascar will launch a brand-new all-electric series next year, the National Association for Stock Car Electric Racing, or NASCER.
“The future is now here at Nascar with NASCER”, Kennedy said. “We will offer a variety of races, from road courses to short tracks to speedways, all powered entirely by renewable electric energy. And unlike Formula E, this will NOT be a dumping ground for unsuccessful second or third generation racers—if it was, I’d be racing in it!”
While all teams will use a common chassis, the powertrain and power unit will be designed by the teams and their manufacturer partners.
“Much like when we launched what is now the SmogClearer Truck Series in 1995, we’re bringing the folks at Dodge back into the sport”, Kennedy proudly said, before quickly adding, “granted its from their Stellantis Electric Fiat division, but Dodge nonetheless.”
The series will kick off as the first race of Daytona Speedweek, and is expected to host a minimum of 24 entries in its inaugural season.
“As long as the retaining wall keeps the ocean off of the track, we’ll be here introducing the newest, most-exciting technologies to the fans from Daytona Beach”, Kennedy exclaimed. “We’re proud to have NASCER joining the Truck Series, Xfinity DreamView Series, and Nascar Cup Series here in Daytona—and even with gas prices back below $10 a gallon, we all know that electric cars are the future.”
IN OTHER NEWS: Michael Waltrip Fired for Offensive “Martian” Comment
www.doesthistrackhavelights.com NEW!
www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
A MOXOC Media production
Join us (well, me) as we/I go through a box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards. New teams, new drivers, new subsets, and of course some corny commentary by me.
RATING: 4 victory lane hats out of 10
www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
A MOXOC Media production
Although Special Protective Advance Defense Department Detachment (SPAD3) Racing has been surprising the NASCAR world all-season with its on-track performance, the team arrived to the track despondent over an apparently failed “mission” off-track.
“All those months of planning. All those days of work. All those hours of interrogation. Gone. For nothing”, said car chief Phil Brown. “Operation Raven was an unmitigated disaster. Where we go from here, nobody knows.”
The team arrived to its most-recent race in a noticeably down-beat mood, seemingly distracted by whatever the so-called “Operation Raven” outcome was.
“There’s no other way to put it—we failed”, said public relations director Stacey Fox. “We’re still proud of what we’ve accomplished on-track this year, but its all for naught. MOXOC, our robot driver, won’t be able to get its laser upgrades anymore, and all the brain—er, I mean, coaching that we’ve given to (crew chief) Mike Henshaw was a waste in the long run.”
While details of Operation Raven’s demise are still unknown, the future of the team appears to have been thrown into question, despite contending for top-tens all season and occasionally challenging for wins.
“Nobody’s happy with how things have turned out”, said team principal Dave Graham, “so there’s lots of reevaluation going on team-wide. If we wind up regrouping and trying again next year, so be it. But if I wind up taking that role in South Ossetia, that will be my destiny.”
But YOU won’t be let down by SPAD3.com
A year after their best-ever Nascar Cup season, 23XI Racing has announced that they will double their entries to four full-time teams, while also enhancing their partnership with Joe Gibbs Racing.
“We really get the best of both worlds by running our maximum four teams AND benefitting from our partnership with JGR” said team co-owner Denny Hamlin. “I’ll be piloting the new #32 car with Dominos sponsorship, while we’re proud to bring Sam Mayer on board in the #46 Toyota Camry.”
Hamlin explained that the team is in the best position possible to grow.
“Once JR Motorsports put their Cup team plans on hold again, the available Rick Ware Racing charters were ours for the taking”, Hamlin said. “Besides, with top-quality equipment coming in from my old team at Joe Gibbs Racing, why not take advantage?”
While fans have complained that 23XI is “gaming” the system by running as a JGR sister team for years, Hamlin refutes such claims.
“I’m sick and tired of people on HoloTwitter posting Holograms bashing us for ‘not following the rules’, Hamlin explained. “If you have something to say, say it to our faces, not to our pre-programmed holographic promotional videos. Besides, its not very appropriate to be making fun of Kurt Busch right before his fifth wedding.”
Hamlin said that plans have been in place for years to expand 23XI, but that recent changes at JGR put those plans into motion.
“Look, I know how things go—Ty Gibbs won 12 Xfinity races last year”, Hamlin said, “and you’ve gotta move a guy like that up to Cup. So now I can move to my own team and keep chasing my first Cup championship—with JGR’s help, of course.”
IN OTHER NEWS: Jack Roush Rumored to Sell Stake in Team to Dale Jr; form JFK Racing
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www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
A MOXOC Media production
Well I thought I was done with Hero Cards for the year—then I got two late submissions in late November!
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| An autographed Ross Chastain hero card from Trackhouse |
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| Four hero cards from RFK |
www.doesthistrackhavelights.com NEW!
www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
A MOXOC Media production
Stock Car Racing and Country Music—two pillars of culture in the Southern United States. And the two have mingled throughout the years. So put on your racing shoes, make sure they match your cowboy hat, and settle in for a look back at some of Nascar’s biggest stars turned Nashville wannabes!
The Songs: I’m Doing the Best with What I’ve Got by David Gillon & T-Bone by Ross/Hanna
The Star: Dave Marcis & Richard Childress
The Clip:
The Review: Hey Dave—nice attempt at singing! You’ve always been good at doing more with less. Just one word of advice—enunciate on “Chevy” or it’ll sound like a descriptor of most of your cars in the late-90’s. Oh, and what’s with “I eat dill pickles”? Hey Richard—nice voice! Just one word of advice—I’m not a racer, but wouldn’t “the greatest fear of a racer’s life” be a fiery wreck, not just a “T-Bone”? Oh, and wouldn’t YOUR greatest fear be Ricky Rudd strangling you?
The Verdict: Surprisingly good songs here—and that’s not the “Tangential Earnhardt Factor” talking.
In response to his slow start to the 2024 Nascar Cup season, Chase Elliott has informed the media that as of this weekend’s Coke Molecular 600, he would like to be referred to by his given name, Clyde Elliott.
“Its time for a change”, Elliott told the assembled media at Charlotte Motor Speedway. “All my life I’ve been going by another name that’s not really my own. Well, that changes today—call me Clyde.”
Since narrowly missing out of the 2023 Nascar Cup Championship to teammate Kyle Larson, Elliott has had a dreadful start to the year. While sponsors Napa and HootersBlockchain have pledged their support, Elliott has taken responsibility for a turnaround on himself.
“With my new—or should I say, REAL—name, there’s no more excuses”, Elliott said. “As far as I’m concerned, the 2024 season starts now for Clyde Elliott and everyone on this team—the buck stops here, and the winning starts now.”
Hendrick Motorsports CEO Jeff Gordon pledged his support to Elliott as the season goes forward.
“Everyone at HMS is behind Clyde 100%”, Gordon said. “The only downside is that Geoff(rey) Bodine is taking credit for doing this first.”
IN OTHER NEWS: Dillon Brothers Sweep 11th & 12th Place for RCR.
www.doesthistrackhavelights.com NEW!
www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
A MOXOC Media production
Join us (well, me) as we/I go through a box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards. New teams, new drivers, new subsets, and of course some corny commentary by me.
RATING: 5 green-white-checkers out of 10
www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
A MOXOC Media production
Special Protective Advance Defense Department Detachment (SPAD3) Racing is proud to announce that a new sponsor has joined their team for the rest of the season—Giant Hypnosis Services.
“We’re proud to bring such a dynamic new partner to the team”, said SPAD3 Racing public relations director Stacey Fox. “Hypnosis has so many uses, from everyday applications like cutting ahead in line at the DMV, to helping to overthrow a dictatorship. Its so versatile.”
SPAD3 Racing has already begun using Giant Hypnosis Services around the shop.
“We got some introductory courses and a really useful hypo-coin”, said team principal Kent Simms. “We were having a little, well, lets say ‘disagreement’ with our crew chief (Mike Henshaw) and after introducing him to some of these new methods, he fell right in line.”
The team has said their use of hypnotism is only starting.
“There’s so many uses in motorsports for hypnotism”, said marketing director Ed Calloway. “We’ve been talking to our spotter about ‘convincing’ the other spotters there’s a slew of wrecks on the tracks. And Operation Saint Cowboy should be a cinch now.”
You WILL visit SPAD3.com
In a move that came as a shock to virtually everyone in the sport, Nascar announced today that the 2023 NasCrypto All-Star Race will be held at Daytona International Speedway—where it will be run in a clockwise direction.
“This is decision 70+ years in the making”, said Nascar spokesperson Claire Miller. “Ever since Nascar began in 1948, every oval race has been held with left-hand turns. Well, this year drivers will ‘go fast, turn right’ in this special non-points event.”
The race will be 100 laps long, broken into four identical 25-lap segments. Any driver to win the “backwards” race will get 100,000 NasCrypto, while if a driver sweeps all four that number will be doubled, equaling approximately $40,000 USD.
“This will definitely be a challenge for all of us”, said two-time Nascar Cup Champion Kyle Larson. “Most of us only turn right at the dozen or so road course races. But we’ll be ‘running the wrong way’ in this fun non-points event. It’ll be like a Polish Victory Lap every lap—and hey, Alan Kulwicki said it, so don’t @ me.”
Standard rules will be in place, allowing all race winners from 2023 and the first twelve races of 2024 to qualify, in addition to the winner of the NasCrypto Open qualifying race. Furthermore, the “fan vote” will be replaced by the leader in rookie points, currently Hailie Deegan.
“This will be a great way to excite our fanbase”, Miller said, “and there’s no better place to do this than Daytona. Heck, if IndyCar can have four races a year at IMS, why can’t we?”
IN OTHER NEWS: Bubba Wallace Welcomes New Sponsors Bubba Burgers, B-Dubs, Hubba Bubba, and Mediocre Manufacturing Corp.
www.doesthistrackhavelights.com NEW!
www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
A MOXOC Media production
Join us (well, me) as we/I go through a box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards. New teams, new drivers, new subsets, and of course some corny commentary by me.
RATING: 7 stage points out of 10
www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
A MOXOC Media production
Stock Car Racing and Country Music—two pillars of culture in the Southern United States. And the two have mingled throughout the years. So put on your racing shoes, make sure they match your cowboy hat, and settle in for a look back at some of Nascar’s biggest stars turned Nashville wannabes!
The Song: The Man, Geoff Bodine by Jeannie Seely & Jay Marshall
The Star: Geoff Bodine (obviously)
The Clip:
The Review: Wow. This is…bad. So much cringe. From Geoff pretending to be country (dude’s from New York State) to his warbling voice to the self-aggrandizing title. Then again, Geoff Bodine having an inflated sense of self-importance is the most Geoff Bodine thing I could ever imagine.
The Verdict: Straddles the line between “so bad its good” and “unlistenable”.
One of Nascar’s most-tolerated post-race celebrations went awry this afternoon, with race-winner Ross Chastain’s first—and likely last—“Flaming Melon” celebration injuring nine.
“This wasn’t how it was supposed to be”, Chastain said from the infield care center, where he was treated for first-degree burns. “We tried it back at the shop a few times, and there were no issues. Maybe my PR guy got the wrong lighter fluid?”
Several members of the Nascar of Fox team were taken to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries caused by debris from the flaming, flying produce.
“We’re happy to say that while several members of our crew were injured, they are all expected to make a complete recovery”, said a spokesman for Fox Sports. “The biggest tragedy of all, of course, is that Michael Waltrip escaped completely unharmed.”
Chastain is not expected to be penalized, although today’s disaster will likely bring “exotic” post-race celebrations into question.
“First it was Chase Briscoe doing a victory lap in a tractor”, said Chastain, “then it was Chase Elliott eating an entire air filter. I was just trying to keep up. I guess its a good thing Kyle Busch hasn’t won yet—nobody wants to be sprayed with battery acid.”
Teammate Daniel Suarez, meanwhile, is expected to continue his “Jockey shorts for all” giveaway for every race win.
IN OTHER NEWS: Circuit of the Americas Repainted: “Fresh COTA Paint” Puns Abound
www.doesthistrackhavelights.com NEW!
www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
A MOXOC Media production
Join us (well, me) as we/I go through a box of 2022 Donruss Nascar Cards. New teams, new drivers, new subsets, and of course some corny commentary by me.
RATING: 8 caution laps out of 10
www.spaderacing.com updated four times weekly
A MOXOC Media production