Musically Declined: NASCAR Goes Country, Watch Out for The Matador

Stock Car Racing and Country Music—two pillars of culture in the Southern United States.  And the two have mingled throughout the years.  So put on your racing shoes, make sure they match your cowboy hat, and settle in for a look back at some of Nascar’s biggest stars turned Nashville wannabes!

The Song: Watch Out for the Matador by unknown

The Star: Bobby Allison

The Clip: 

The Review: Here we have arguably the only song ever written about an AMC vehicle.  Its funny to think that Roger Penske allowed his driver to talk-sing over a crappy interpretation of “Camptown Races”.  I mean, this is less a gimmick country song and more a really bad rap song set to twangy music.

The Verdict: Watch out for Bobby trying to carry a tune.

Kaulig, TMT Punished for Other Teams' Suspected Altered Wheels

Last week Nascar officials confiscated wheels from two of Nascar Cup's top teams, reportedly due to unapproved modifications.  In accordance with standard policy, both Kaulig Racing and The Money Team Racing were punished severely for the infractions.

“Nascar has a zero tolerance policy for teams trying exploit ‘gray areas’ in the rules”, said lead Nascar inspector Trace Murphy.  “If a major team is found to be even attempting to skirt the regulations, we will not hesitate to punish smaller, more-vulnerable teams for the infractions.”

Murphy was quick to add that while technically the wheels were legal, it was the audacity of the attempt that convinced them that punishment was needed.

“The days of ‘If you ain’t cheatin, you ain’t tryin’ are over”, Murphy explained.  “I don’t care if you’re RFK, Hendrick, or JGR—we won’t hesitate to throw the book at LiveFast, Spire, or PettyGMS.”

Murphy continued to explain how Nascar is very clear on its enforcement of the rules.

“It says it right here”, Murphy said, showing an entry in the Official Nascar Rulebook for 2022, “Chapter 6, Section 1, Subsection 9: Any attempt to circumvent the rules as set out at the start of the season will result in swift punishment of one of Nascar’s lesser teams.”

Other Cup teams are said to be preparing for such strict enforcement of the rules throughout this season.

“We just had Kurt Busch fail inspection three times yesterday”, said 23XI Competition Director Kevin Nelson, “so we’re expecting the worst this upcoming week.  It wouldn’t surprise us to see Front Row Motorsports get parked for next week’s race for something like a loose wheel.”

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UNCLE MAX vs. REPEAT WINNERS vs. THE ROULETTE WHEEL: Auto Club

Well nobody won last weekend—I didn’t get any picks right, there wasn’t a repeat winner, and the roulette wheel’s pick wrecked out late.  Also I won’t mention what happened on my date, other than to say that it was on Saturday evening yet I made it home in time to catch the end of the Xfinity race.  With all that negativity, at least I’m doing well at work!

And by doing well, I mean my department hit all its numbers for January (yes, it takes that long to measure them).  While it doesn’t mean much, it DOES mean that I could be up for a plum role as a store manager if one opens up soon.  That would be MY Daytona 500, which goes to show just how dull my life really is.

TRUCK SERIES: off

Saturday Afternoon XFINITY SERIES PAG 300: Justin Allgaier—ol’ reliable.

Sunday CUP SERIES Wise Power 400: LAST RACE’S WINNER picks Austin Cindric.  THE ROULETTE WHEEL picks 19th in points Daniel Suarez.  FAVORITE: Kyle Larson—and things get back to normal.  NEXT FAVORITE: Denny Hamlin—even factoring in the regular pit road speeding penalty.  DARK HORSE: Brad Keselowski—he won’t need to punt anyone, but he might need some fuel milage.

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Spade Racing Opens Classic “Blaster Boxes” and Premiere Sets

Recently I acquired a collection of Nascar cards from the past thirty years.  Most of it was unopened “Blaster Boxes” (those things you see near checkout at big box stores) as well as a few early-90’s “Premiere Sets”.  Lets open them and see what’s inside!

Press Pass 2012 Part 3—a golden haze, glory days, and a flag to raise

FIRST LOOK: This is a pretty nice-looking gold foil card, despite what my crummy apartment lighting does to it.  Darn you lack of drive to get a professional light rig!

TO THE BACK: Ah yes, David Gilliland’s Busch Series win, one of Nascar’s biggest upsets that didn’t involve rain, restrictor plates, or a driver strike.

SAY WHAT: “Hey, uh, so this is the 100 flag.  And even I gotta admit I don’t know why he’s celebrating this.”

RATING: 5 pit road penalties out of 10

SAPD3 RACING HIRES ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE AUTOMATON DRIVER

Special Protective Advance Defense Department Detachment (SPAD3) Racing will be making history in this year’s Daytona 500, as they take to the track in their #86 race car with the first-ever robotic driver in the sport’s history.

MOXOC doing its best
Carl Edwards impression

“OK, lets get this out of the way first—‘there’s nothing in the rulebook that says a cyborg can’t race a car’”, said team principal Kent Simms.  “There—now that we’ve covered that, we’re very excited to bring the latest cutting-edge technologies to NASCAR Cup competition—specifically the first-ever automaton racer.”

The driver, nicknamed MOXOC (Mechanical Overlord eXpert Operational Cyborg), was on display at the introductory press conference.

“Alright, lets get THIS out of the way next—yeah, we all remember that Matt Kenseth robot commercial”, Simms said.  “Anyways, as you can see, MOXOC here is built out of some of the best strength-to-weight ratio metals, and weighs approximately the same as an average stock car driver, Mark Martin notwithstanding.  Oh, and just ignore that whole ‘overlord’ part of the name—we sincerely doubt we’ll have to use its weapons capability.”

Simms, who said that team owner Dave Graham was attending a sponsorship meeting in North Korea, expects the finer points of MOXOC’s programming to be finalized in a matter of weeks.

“The driving aspects, those are all ready to go”, Simms said, “but we’re still working on the ‘snappy answers to banal questions from broadcasters’ code, as well as the ‘being charming on Twitter without offending anyone’ scripts.  Oh, and please don’t joke about how ‘ALL drivers are like robots today’, because that’s way too obvious.”

Nascar Unveils New Drug “Stopwatching” for Whiny Fans

As Nascar kicks off its 2022 season with a raft of new regulations, some so-called fans are amping up their criticism of the series.  To that end, the sanctioning body has introduced a new drug to pacify them: Stopwatching.

Ask your friends you've been
complaining to for years if
Stopwatching is right for you

“So many different drug companies advertise on our broadcasts, this seemed like a natural fit”, said Joel Nelson, Nascar’s Director of Marketing Initiatives and Drug Research.  “Skyrizi, Keytruda, those old Viagra ads with Mark Martin—it just made sense.  And now we can finally make money off those middle-aged ‘fans’ who haven’t bought anything since Ward Burton left Bill Davis Racing.”

As explained to the assembled media, the drug works by blocking the fan’s eyesight and hearing, preventing them from watching—and judging—something that they haven’t enjoyed since 2003.

“Without having access to our racing product, these oldsters can imagine the race they want”, Nelson said.  “And by pairing Stopwatching with the common symptom known as ‘rose tinted glasses’, I’m sure that any race that goes on in their embittered minds will be to their liking.”

“I was one of the first test subjects for Stopwatching”, said longtime race fan and race criticizer Mike Robinson.  “For years I went online to complain about how the race wasn’t exactly to my specifications—or how if it WAS, that Nascar had rigged the finish.  But now with Stopwatching, I can just sit out on the porch, think back to the good old days that I barely remember, and wait for death to finally take me away.”

Response to the drug has been strong, with IndyCar particularly looking to order Stopwatching in bulk.

“With Stopwatching, race series need no longer be the victims of constant criticism from a small percentage of whiners”, Nelson said.  “Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and now those who don’t learn from the present are blessed to repeat history.”

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UNCLE MAX vs. REPEAT WINNERS vs. THE ROULETTE WHEEL: Daytona

Annnnd we’re back!  There’ll be three different pickers this year—yours truly, Repeat Winners, and the random spin of my nephew’s roulette wheel.  My nephew’s already made his picks for the 2022 season, but here’s a little tradition I have—making three “obvious” predictions, three bold predictions, and three WILD predictions.  Here they are:

Obviously…

—Hendrick, JGR, and Penske will dominate the season

—there’ll be major kinks to work out in the “NextGen” car, requiring several rules changes and tech updates

—My new schedule—which has me opening the store most Sundays—will result in me missing most pre-race shows (so there’s really no loss there)

Its bold to say that…

—Bubba Wallace Jr. and Kurt Busch will both win races this year

—Stewart-Haas Racing will have a comeback season, mostly centered around Kevin Harvick and Chase Briscoe

—I’ll somehow renegotiate my townhouse lease next month to not have to pay for trash removal service

It may seem wild, but…

—There’ll be a power struggle at RFK Racing, resulting in Jack Roush leaving the team

—Kevin Harvick will announce his impending retirement within the next 12 months

—My first date next weekend will actually lead to a successful relationship

Sunday CUP SERIES Daytona 500: LAST RACE’S WINNER picks Kyle Larson.  THE ROULETTE WHEEL picks 22nd in points Ricky Stenhouse Jr. (2022 points starting next week).  FAVORITE: Chase Elliott—I’m seeing this as a race that’s dull for the first 98%, followed by a wild few final laps.  NEXT FAVORITE: Kurt Busch—heck of a way to kick off the 45 team, eh?  DARK HORSE: Michael McDowell—thus making him the modern Sterling Marlin, sans toupee.

Saturday Evening XFINITY SERIES Beef 300: Brandon Jones—passing by a spinning Noah Gragson on the last lap, I reckon.

Friday Night TRUCK SERIES NextEra Energy 250: John Hunter Nemechek—a season of dominance starts here.

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Spade Racing Opens Classic “Blaster Boxes” and Premiere Sets

Recently I acquired a collection of Nascar cards from the past thirty years.  Most of it was unopened “Blaster Boxes” (those things you see near checkout at big box stores) as well as a few early-90’s “Premiere Sets”.  Lets open them and see what’s inside!

Press Pass 2012 Part 2—Blurry Bobby, better than Robby, and a racing hobby

FIRST LOOK: Bobby Labonte doesn’t look too happy here, but I’m getting it has less to do with my terrible photography skills and more to do with running for a mid-pack team.

TO THE BACK: Yeah, Paul Menard wasn’t very successful in Nascar.  But hey—at least he did better in the Menard car than Robby Gordon.

SAY WHAT: “I’m a bit of a hobby racer, in that your hobby has to be knowing obscure drivers to recognize me.”

RATING: 5 associate sponsors out of 10

Musically Declined: NASCAR Goes Country, Let the Good Times Roll

Stock Car Racing and Country Music—two pillars of culture in the Southern United States.  And the two have mingled throughout the years.  So put on your racing shoes, make sure they match your cowboy hat, and settle in for a look back at some of Nascar’s biggest stars turned Nashville wannabes!

The Song: Let the Good Times Roll by Shirley & Lee

The Star: Richard Petty

The Clip: 

The Review: Fun fact: The Jordainaires, who provide backing vocals on every track of this album, were best-known for their work with Elvis Presley.  So can they recreate their magic with The King with The King?  No.  No they can’t.  It doesn’t help that RP sounds like he’s either half-asleep or dealing with a deviated septum.

The Verdict: Would work better as an instrumental in the background of a “honky-tonk” scene of a 1980’s TV show.

Spade Racing’s The Hero Card Project: Preview

Its a new Nascar season, and that means new hero cards for most of the sport’s top teams!  Just like last year I’ll be doing my “Hero Card Project”, sending out requests for “hero cards” to virtually all Nascar teams big and small.  Here’s my process (feel free to steal it!):

Example of the front of a hero card--
the back would have info like a quick
bio on the driver, a 2022 schedule,
and an "about us" on the sponsor.
(courtesy Team Penske)

“0.”) Figure out what a “Hero Card” is—its a large glossy card distributed by teams, usually for autographs or sponsor events, with a picture of the car and/or driver on one side, and pertinent statistics on the other.

1.) Get a list of addresses for teams/drivers you want for hero cards.  Almost all teams simply take requests at their race shops, but a few request that any requests be sent to a PO Box.

2.) Get some 9”x12” manilla envelopes and Self Address Stamp(ed) Envelope (SASE) them.  Obviously put YOUR address on the front and center, and put 3 “Forever” stamps in the top right (you might be able to get away with two if you’re requesting a single card.  Also, you might want to consider four if you’re asking for a large volume of cards from a single source).  Its also best to put “Do Not Fold” somewhere on the envelope.

Virtually every driver and team has
Hero Cards--in some cases they're
the best souvenirs you can get for
smaller teams and more obscure
racers--and they're free!

3.) (optional) Write up a very short letter requesting hero cards for the 2022 season.  If you only want them from one or two drivers, make that known.

4.) Fold the manilla SASE and short letter and put them in a standard letter-sized envelope.  By using a regular envelope you SHOULD only need one “Forever” stamp.

5.) Address each envelope as needed to each team.

6.) Put 'em in the mailbox!

I’ll be sending MINE out this upcoming week—who will respond first?  Who will have the coolest-looking hero cards?  Who will throw in goodies like autographs or swag?  And who will it turn out I have the wrong addresses for?  Stay tuned!

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3 in Their Third: A Monthly Spade Racing Series—Season Preview

Two years ago there were six rookie driver.  Last year four of them returned for their sophomore seasons.  This year the three best are back once again for their third seasons in Cup—and just like over the past two years, we’ll be ranking them here at Spade Racing.

Just like in years past we’ll be utilizing the PRETTY grade—Performance Relative to Equating Team’s Typical Year—as a way to properly rank someone from a top-flight team like Joe Gibbs Racing against someone from a top-flight slumping team like Stewart-Haas Racing against someone from a mid-level operation like RCR.

Here’s where our three guys stack up to start the year:

1.) Christopher Bell (Joe Gibbs Racing).  2021 Points Finish: 12th (Playoffs).  2022 PRETTY Grade Prediction: B+.  C.Bell returns to the belly of the beast, competing against three teammates all of whom are legitimate threats for the championship.  Not only that, but THIS year he’ll have to deal with Kyle & Denny whining about people wondering if their rides will be taken by Brandon Jones or Ty Gibbs next year.

2.) Tyler Reddick (Richard Childress Racing).  2021 Points Finish: 13th (Playoffs).  2022 PRETTY Grade Prediction: A-.  Reddick seems be making incremental improvements year-to-year, and with some additional sponsorship his future at RCR seems secure.  So watch Ty Dillon get his ride in 2023.

3.) Cole Custer (Stewart-Haas Racing).  2021 Points Finish: 26th (no Playoffs).  2022 PRETTY Grade Prediction: C+.  Last year was not kind to Cole, as he finished behind rookie teammate Chase Briscoe.  So even with a win on his resume, this could be his final ye—oh, wait, that’s right—his dad runs the team.

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Spade Racing Opens Classic “Blaster Boxes” and Premiere Sets

Recently I acquired a collection of Nascar cards from the past thirty years.  Most of it was unopened “Blaster Boxes” (those things you see near checkout at big box stores) as well as a few early-90’s “Premiere Sets”.  Lets open them and see what’s inside!

Press Pass 2012 Part 1—Crossover passel, Landon Cassill, and “fan” hassle

FIRST LOOK: Plenty of racers from other disciplines have come to try their hands at Nascar racing.  And with no wins in 76 races, Ricky Carmichael was, well, pretty much like most of them.

TO THE BACK: To be honest, I kinda miss the old Phoenix Racing team, although I don’t miss James Finish constantly threatening to shut down his operation.

SAY WHAT: “Well, time to say hi to all my adoring fans.  Huh, they must be running late again.”

RATING: 6 spinouts out of 10

SPAD3 RACING UNVEILS CAR, NUMBER, AND HEADQUARTERS

NASCAR Cup’s newest team took a major step forward today, unveiling its visual identity at its brand-new race shop located in Northern Virginia.

“Special Protective Advance Defense Department Detachment (SPAD3) Racing is primed for success in 2022”, team principal Kent Simms said in the gleaming new shop, formerly housing an intelligence gathering annex of the CIA.  “We plan to see the number 86 car leading quite a few races, and with our resources we don’t see race wins as out of the question.”

Simms—speaking for team owner Dave Graham, who was said to be on assignment in Russia—said choosing to set up the team far from NASCAR’s base in North Carolina was not one they took lightly.

“We have a lot of innovative ideas that we want to keep a secret from the competition—believe you me, we’re going to be surprising people out there next season.  Besides, this building was available super-cheap from one of our financial backers, and the old interrogation room makes a great paint booth.”

Simms said that the team’s driver will be announced in the near future.

“We’ve narrowed it down to a few different types, but we think we’ll be able to announce our driver in a matter of weeks”, Simms said.  “Whoever it is, they’ll definitely be programmed to ’86’ the competition.”

NASCAR TO HOST ALL-STAR RACE IN HOCKEY ARENA

Based on the positive reaction to Nascar’s first-ever modern race in a football stadium, the sanctioning body has already announced that they will host this year’s All-Star Race in a basketball/hockey arena.

“We’re all about bringing the sport to the fans, shaking things up, thinking outside the box”, said Nascar spokesman Charlie Peters.  “But for this year’s All-Star Race, we plan on thinking inside the box—by hosting it in a box-like arena.”

The non-points event will be the second such race to be held at a non-traditional venue in 2022, following tonight’s Busch Light Clash at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum.

“If the (sprint car) Chili Bowl can be held in a convention center, then the All-Star Race can be held in an arena”, Peters explained.  “We’re sick and tired of people telling us what we CAN’T do—laws of physics and ventilation issues be damned.”

Holding a race with stock cars in such a confined area will require several changes to the rules.

“We’re looking at hosting several heat races on the 1/10th mile temporary surface”, Peters said.  “We can probably fit as many as four cars on the track at once, but we’ll keep it to three in order to allow room for passing.”

The race’s location, meanwhile, seems to have yet to be determined.

“We’re looking at a number of locations who are interested in hosting such a once-in-a-lifetime debut event”, said Erica Franks, Nascar’s Chief Marketing Director.  “Plenty of arenas have laughed at us over the phones, and asked us what we were smoking, but a select few are willing to take the plunge and try this out.”

When asked if the quality of the racing would be affected due to the large size of Nascar stock cars and small area of an average hockey arena, Peters had a confident response.

“Look—we can stand around talking about what couldn’t or shouldn’t happen, or we can go ahead and try it.  I’m sure plenty of people laughed at the idea of Arena Football, and look at it now!  Actually, look at it 15 years ago.”

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UNCLE MAX vs. REPEAT WINNERS vs. THE ROULETTE WHEEL: Preview

Hello race fans!  Its your old prognosticating pal Uncle Max, back for another exciting season of Nascar race pick competition!  Last year came down to the wire between me and Repeat Winners, but this year, much like the lease renewal I signed for my townhouse last month, things will be very different!

That’s because I won’t just be picking against repeat race winners—I’ll also be picking against the most-random picker of them all (no, not Talladega)—a roulette wheel!  My nephew will spin the roulette wheel before every race and pick based on the corresponding points position.  So if the ball lands on, say, 7, the pick would be the driver 7th in points going into that week.  The only “weighted” picks will be if it lands on 0, which will automatically select the points leader (same as 1) and 00, which will automatically select the points runner up (same as 2).  And if the ball lands on the points position of that week’s Repeat pick, we’ll simply roll again.

As always there’s no pick for the non-points events, so check back in the week before Daytona to see the first-ever three-way battle for a prize I still have never received!

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Spade Racing Opens Classic “Blaster Boxes” and Premiere Sets

Recently I acquired a collection of Nascar cards from the past thirty years.  Most of it was unopened “Blaster Boxes” (those things you see near checkout at big box stores) as well as a few early-90’s “Premiere Sets”.  Lets open them and see what’s inside!

Main Event Part 4 (with bonus pack)—Brown style, cereal pile, and a rare smile

FIRST LOOK: Even though a few other drivers were sponsored by UPS, its still strange to see anyone other than Dale Jarrett in the brown-and-yellow colors.

TO THE BACK: Even though a LOT of other drivers were sponsored by Cheerios, its still strange to see anyone other than John Andretti in the yellow-and-black colors.

SAY WHAT: “Get it?  Good.  That’s my yearly smile.”

RATING: 3 pistons out of 10