Brian France Spotted at St. Pete Collecting Debris

While Nascar was running a marathon race at Martinsville this afternoon, chairman Brian France was nowhere to be found.  Nowhere, that is, until he was spotted at the St. Petersburg street course collecting debris for future Cup races.
This baby will cause more cautions
than Robby Gordon
“Hey, don’t tell anyone I’m here”, France was caught telling an IndyCar official shortly after the start of the Firestone Grand Prix of St. Petersburg, “we need some random pieces of metal and carbon fiber to shake up the finishes of our own races—ooh, a winglet!  That’ll do great!”
France appeared to try and disguise himself as a member of the safety crew, wearing a firesuit with the nametag “Frian Brance”.
“Come on, just let me get about a ‘Junior’s about to go a lap down’s worth and I’ll be good to go”, France was heard whispering.  When an official asked why he wasn’t at his own series’ race, he answered “eh, it pretty much runs itself nowadays—they just follow the script like they’re supposed to do.  Besides, I couldn’t find it anywhere on tv.”
France’s appearance nearly went unnoticed, until he was outed on tv by broadcaster Allen Bestwick.
“Oh, and we have another caution, debris all ov—wait a minute, that’s that guy who used to run my old series!  Hey Bri—thanks!  Now I only have to work four days a year!”
France was spotted talking to a race fan upon leaving the track about his future plans.
“Well, I figure I’ll be able to use this stuff next weekend—Jayski says its the Easter Bunny 500!”

Fans at the St. Pete race were unavailable for comment, as they were still arguing about the CART/IRL split.

Martinsville “News” and Notes

—Team Xtreme Racing (aka that team that got their car stolen) is skipping this weekend’s race so they can work on an even lamer name for their team.
ENOUGH with the Dale Jr. updates!

—The big to-do this weekend surrounds allegations of tire tampering, since we’ve reached the point of the season where the teams themselves are starting to get bored.

—Sure, Fox tested a virtual reality system last weekend, but it’s FOX that did it.  Who wants a virtual reality experience of having Darrell Waltrip making lame jokes while you try to race?

—JR Motorsports makes its Truck Series debut on Saturday with Cole Custer.  You just KNOW that media members are hoping he struggles just a bit, so that in his last scheduled race, they can write “Custer’s Last Stand”.

—Remember, Sunday’s Cup race is early, AND is airing on Fox Sports 1, formerly Speed, formerly Speed Channel, formerly SpeedVision, formerly dead air.

Ryan Sieg Named Official Underdog of Nascar

"Let's add some sponsorship
patches to that firesuit!
But not TOO many..."
After years of trying to make it on his own, Xfinity Series driver Ryan Sieg has shown flashes of greatness, competing against Cup-affiliated teams (and drivers) on a regular basis.  While looking for a shot at a top-flight ride, he instead has been given something greater—status as The Official Underdog of Nascar.
“We have seen what Ryan’s been able to do driving his own equipment on a shoe-string budget, and we want him to keep that up for the near future”, said Nascar chairman Brian France in a press release.  “Ryan shows what you can do in this great sport if you have drive, determination, and talent: You can run for the occasional top-10 in the Xfinity Series.  With money and solid sponsorship, all you can do is run in Cup.”
“We’re glad that Nascar has paid attention to our coverage of Ryan this year”, Fox Sports producer John Davis said.  “As The Official Underdog of Nascar, Ryan will continue to be the class of the field—well, the class of his CLASS of the field, mind you.  He won’t be running for wins, or for a Cup-affiliated team, but who needs that when you’re the scrappy feel-good story?”
As The Official Underdog of Nascar, Sieg earns such privileges as at least one celebrity-affiliated quasi-sponsorship a season, a guarantee that his last name is spelled correctly on Jayski, and will be mentioned at least once each telecast for “…having a great run”.  Sieg will also be locked-in to a top-10 finish in points, although he will remain barred from a top-5 finish for the near future.
“We’ve listened to our fans, and they’ve told us what they want”, France’s press release continued.  “What they want is a young, hungry underdog they can root for, and that’s what Ryan Sieg is.  Of course, our data also supports what we’ve known for years—that fans want to see Cup drivers dominate the Xfinity Series as much as possible, with occasional wins by developmental drivers affiliated with Cup teams, so we’ll make sure that we keep Ryan’s race team from getting TOO good.”

Ryan Sieg was unavailable for comment, as he was busy beating his head against a nearby wall.

What if Kurt Busch HAD Won Yesterday?

Yesterday saw a possible win by Kurt “The In-Law” Busch thwarted by questionable calls by Nascar officials.  On one of the debris cautions, Busch came on his radio and compared Nascar to professional wrestling.  Well, if Busch HAD won yesterday, what would it have sounded like?  Have a look:

Kurt Busch (in Victory Lane): My, God. (Crying) Thank you.  Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm almost embarrassed by the response, but when I see this...but when I know I spent 15 years trying to make you fans miserable, it was worth every damn minute of it! Now, someone told me that Stewart-Haas Racing was having a party tonight, in Fontana! Could that be true, that the 2004 Cup champ, that Brian France said was suspended, is alive and well?!? Brian, this might be my only shot. But, I got to tell you, I'm going to make it my best. Is this what you call a great moment of TV? That's wrong, because, this is real! This is not bought and paid for! It's a real life situation! Just like the night in Homestead, Florida, when you looked at me, tears in my eyes, and said, "God, that's good TV." That was real! Matt Kenseth passed the torch! It was real, dammit!  You think fans would’ve been crying at home, like I was on TV, if it wasn't real? This guy (points at Kevin Harvick), my teammate, is one of the greatest drivers to ever live. And you Brian France…you squashed him one day in Martinsville. Then you get on the phone and tell me, “Stay away from the track, you’re suspended”.  “Stay away from the track?”  Me?  You know what? I look I myself in the mirror the next day, and I saw a pathetic figure with terrible taste in girlfriends.  And for that, I owe you, the racing fans...I owe these apology. Because, it won't happen again, where we let Brian suspend us… 
(Brian France is paged in over the loudspeaker)
Busch:  You're an overbearing @$$****. You're obnoxious, overbearing…abuse of POWER!  You...abuse of power! Cut me off! 
Brian France: You will never ever win a race here again! 
Busch: Abuse of power! You suck! I hate your guts! 
France: My House. You're history!  Go to Indy!
Busch: You are a liar, you're a cheat, you're a scam!  You are a no good son of a b!#(h!  Fire me!  I'm already fired!  Fire me!  I'm already fired!

Brad Keselowski’s Victory Lane Interview (Transcript)

“That was a big one, Jamie.  It didn’t look like we were gonna have a shot at the win today, but those late cautions gave us a shot at Kevin and Kurt.  We kinda stole one today, Jamie!  And to be able to do it at one of Roger’s tracks, that’s really huge.  I just gotta thank everyone on this race team, especially Paul, he worked all day to get this car runnin’ right, Jamie.  I really didn’t know if we’d have a shot when I saw Greg wreck—by the way, thanks David, Mike, and Brian for letting us race back to the checkers.  Thanks Jamie, we’ll go out next week and try to win another one, Jamie.”
Comes in handy with the way Nascar calls its race finishes

California/Auto Club/Fontana/Whatever “News” and Notes

Stanton Barrett, who is taking time out
from the filming of "Navy Seals vs.
Zombies" to run this weekend's
Xfinity race.  No, really.
—Some disappointing news—Brian Vickers is out of the 55 car again due to a recurrence of blood clots (or, more-specifically, the blood thinners he is on because of blood clots).  To quote Hulk Hogan, “…if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything”, although I’m sure there were about four “BROTHER”s in that quote.

—Brett Moffitt will be back in the 55 in place of Brian Vickers this weekend, and (in theory) for the foreseeable future until Vickers is able to return.  His performance earlier this year proves that Moffitt has the talent (and toffitt) to race in Cup, but does he have what a driver really needs to succeed at Michael Waltrip Racing—the ability to act stiffly in dumb commercials?

—Roush Fenway Xfinity Series driver Chris Buescher will substitute in the 34 car for Moffitt, who had been subbing in for David Ragan, who is currently subbing in for Kyle Busch.  I haven’t seen this many substitutes since all the teachers at my elementary school got the flu.

—In a speech to the Detroit Economic Club in Dearborn, Michigan, Brian France admitted that the Gen-5 “Car of Tomorrow” was a flop, an—wait a minute:  The Detroit Economic Club doesn’t meet in Detroit?!?

NascarMania—The Main Event

The pro-wrestling world is taking time out from complaining about the WWE Network to complaining about the booking for Wrestlemania.  Thankfully, Nascar fans ALSO have something to complain about—NascarMania!  Here’s a look at the scheduled matches (card subject to change)

DARK (non-televised) MATCHES
Aric “The Cuban Missle” Almirola vs. Brian “The Proposer” Scott

John “No Label” Cohen vs. Travis “TK” Kvapil—Get out of jail free card on a pole match

Ty Dillon vs. Chase Elliott—Silver spoons are a legal weapon

Casey Mears vs. AJ Allmendinger vs. Martin Truex Jr.—Winner gets the GOOD engines from RCR

“Mad” Mike Bliss vs. David “One Hit Wonder” Gilliland

TV Title/Retirement Match: Michael “Gel” Waltrip vs. Jeff “The Mayor” Burton—winner gets the TV Title belt, loser has to officially retire from racing.

Cruiserweight Title Match: Danica “The Green Machine” Patrick vs. Justin “Gator” Allgaier

International Title Match: Daniel Suarez vs. TBA (note: “TBA” may mean Milka Duno)

Kurt “The In-Law” Busch & Tony “Smoke(d)” Stewart vs. Jeff “Four-Time” Gordon & Dale “JR” Earnhardt Jr.—winning team gets 5 minutes alone with the media member of their choice 

Carl “The Crusher” Edwards vs. Kasey “Raising” Kahne

Tag Team Title Match: Roush Express (Greg Biffle & Ricky Stenhouse Jr.) vs. The Gassy Ganassi Guys (Jamie McMurray & Kyle Larson)

Brian “The Dream” Vickers vs. Jimmie “Five Time” Johnson—no tv replays allowed

World Championship Match: Joey “The Breadinator” Logano vs. Kevin “Happy” Harvick

Phoenix “News” and Notes

—So apparently you don’t have to show up for court if you really, really disagree with the charges.

—Tanner Berryhill will be making his Cup debut this weekend—will YOU remember where you were when That Guy From The Other 17 Car ran That Other 66 Car?

—Kurt Busch is no longer putting “OUTLAW” above his driver-door.  Maybe he can remarry soon so that he can rename himself “INLAW”.

—A programming note—Saturday’s Xfinity Series race will air on Fox (instead of Fox Sports 1), no doubt irritating people looking for juicer informercials.

—And a hearty congratulations to the winner of last week’s IndyCar race in Brasilia, CANCELLED, who picked up his first win since China.

Spade Racing Movie Previews: Attempted Blockbuster Edition

Worried that your movie isn’t going to be huge?  Certain that it’s lacking in award-worthiness?  Release it in the spring!  Here’s the movies with a Nascar angle:

Cinderella—A.J. Allmendinger attempts to qualify for the Chase (the feel-good part), then compete for the Cup championship (the tragic part).

Run All Night—Nascar stubbornly refuses to simply reschedule a rain-soaked Saturday evening race for Sunday afternoon.

It Follows—Kenny Wallace looks back at his runner-up finish at Talladega.

Insurgent—Trevor Boys makes his Nascar comeback the only way he can—by stealing the pace car.
Do You Believe? (The Timmy Hill Story)—No.

Get Hard—Jimmie Johnson realizes that saying that his tire issue was caused by “going soft” was probably a poor choice of words.

Home—In a fit of anger, Brian France destroys his homemade model of the stadium for his football team, the Los Angeles Chins.

The Riot Club—Fans react to attempts to move the Atlanta race weekend to another 1.5-miler.

The Law Offices of Conklin & Schneider

Have you been wrecked in a Nascar race?  Were you grievously harmed in any way by another driver’s mistakes?  Then you could be entitled to a major cash settlement!  Contact The Law Offices of Conklin & Schneider to get the justice YOU deserve.

“I was having a normal race, just running as usual in the top-10 but not contending for a win, when I got hit by Carl Edwards.  When I tried to get compensation, Carl said it was all his fault, like that made it all ok.  That’s when I called The Law Offices of Conklin & Schneider, and they’re helping me get the justice I deserve!”
File photo

Spinouts, blown tires, you name it—we will work tirelessly to get you what YOU deserve.

“Hi, I’m Nascar driver Jeff Gordon.  I was ready to start the race from the pole, when I was knocked into the wall by Danica Patrick.  I went over to talk to her, but after I said, ‘Hi, I’m Nascar driver Jeff Gordon’, she walked away.  So I called The Law Offices of Conklin & Schneider, and they put me in touch with a larger class-action suit against her.  Thank you, Conklin & Schneider!”

At The Law Offices of Conklin & Schneider, we don’t believe in just sitting back—we believe in going out for justice.  And remember—you don’t get paid until WE get paid!

“I’m a race tire, and when my driver blew me out on the victory lap, I was pretty shredded.  I didn’t even realize that I had legal rights as a tire, until a friend of mine put me in touch with The Law Offices of Conklin & Schneider.  Thanks to them, I’ll be wearing gold-plated lug nuts next week!”

Las Vegas “News” and Notes: Special Jumbo Edition

—Expect Kurt Busch back in Cup any week now, so expect cloying, irritating post-race interviews any week now.

—Speaking of Kurt, here’s the conversation I imagine going on in Daytona last weekend:
Flunky: “Sir, a race team had its car stolen”
Brian France:  “Good!  Anything to get people distracted from Kurt Busch.  Whose car was it?”
Flunky: “Travis Kvapil”
Brian France:  “D’oh!”

—Brett Moffitt is subbing in for David Ragan in the #34 car for the next three races.  He was considered to run the #18 at Daytona, but with such little turnaround time, he was unable to fit his toffitt in the car.

—Congrats to Brian Vickers on making it back to racing this weekend!  Thankfully, now the only pain he has to go through on a daily basis is listening to Michael Waltrip’s lisp.

—Meanwhile, kudos to Joe Gibbs Racing for hiring Boris Said to drive a handful of races (not just the road courses, mind you) in the #54 Xfinity Series car.  Boris is going to be pretty disappointed, though, when he realizes that Greg Biffle doesn’t run there anymore.

—Here’s what we’ve learned so far from Fox Sports 1’s innovative decision to use Sprint Cup regulars in the booth for Xfinity Series races—Kevin Harvick can put aside past feuds to commentate impartially, and Brad Keselowski seems to have a love affair with Nationwide Insurance.

—The Camping World Truck Series is on hiatus until March 28th, giving teams plenty of time to figure out how Jeb Burton doesn’t have a Truck Series ride, but Norm Benning does.

Ricky Stenhouse Jr. Becomes First Person With Mullet Associated With a Bank

Though today’s race didn’t go as well as he’d have liked, driver/Danica’s boyfriend Ricky Stenhouse Jr. did set a unique record today:  He became the first person in recorded history with a mullet to be professionally associated with a major bank.
I call this style the "Trying Too Hard"
“We (Roush-Fenway) have Bubba Wallace Jr., the first African-American to win a race in the modern era in a touring series”, Stenhouse said post-wreck.  “We have Ryan Reed, who last weekend became the first person with diabetes to win in a touring series.  Well, I’m glad that I was able to make a little history of my own.”
Stenhouse Jr. has been sponsored in recent years by Fifth Third Bank (stylized 5/3), but this is the first season in which he has grown out the back of his hair, forming a curl just behind his firesuit collar.
“I know it might be strange to see a guy with a ‘Tennessee Topper’ wearing a bank company’s logo, but here I am”, Stenhouse said.  “Hey, come to think of it, I’m wearing a 5/3 hat aren’t I?  Guess that really makes it ‘Business in the front, Party in the back!’”.
Stenhouse Jr.’s day ended early when he was involved in a late-race wreck.  However, with his place in the history books secured, he was in good spirits.

“Y’know, since I moved up to Cup, I’ve learned that you can’t always win”, Stenhouse said.  “You can’t always finish top-five.  You can’t always get a top-ten.  Heck, you can’t even always qualify for every race.  But if you have a little ingenuity and a lot of spare time on your hands, you can make history.”