Brian France Exposed: A Spade Racing Investigation

A North Carolina judge has ruled that the details of Brian France's divorce proceeding can be released to the public.  We here at Spade Racing have received an advance copy of the transcripts--here's some highlights:

--During a brief period in the previous decade, legally changed his name to "Brian Freedom".

--Actually thought the wing on the Car of Tomorrow was a good idea.

--Holds in his possession the world's rarest piece of Nascar memorabilia--the only known picture of Mike Helton smiling (taken at Rockingham, February 1998).

--Tony Stewart smells like pork rinds.

--Whenever he feels sorry for himself, just remembers that he's not Tony George.

--May have briefly used a Verizon phone sometime last year.

--Is contesting the provision of the prenuptial agreement which gives his ex-wife possession of one of his chins.

--Makes a heck of a homemade Orange Julius.

--Is really rich.

Catching Up: The Truck Series

"I know what you're thinking--did I go six laps down or only five?"

No doubt you've been busy lately--what with the holidays, weather changes, false apocalypse and whatnot.  Instead of forcing you to scan typo-riddled Jayski articles, here's a quick rundown of some recently-announced…um, announcements from the Nascar Truck Series:

--Joey "JoJo Junior…Shabadoo?" Coulter has signed with Kyle Busch Motorsports for next season.  Its starting to look more and more like RCR is going to become Legacy Kid Racing.

--Speaking of Legacy Kid Racing, Brendan Gaughan will compete for RCR in the Truck Series next year, with sponsorship from his Daddy.

--Jon Wes Townley moves to Red Wes Horse in 2013, bringing his joined-at-the-hip Zaxby's sponsorship with him.  This displaces Todd Bodine about three years later than it should have.

--Joe Denette Motorsports and NTS Motorsports are merging to form what they call a "powerhouse".  Um, I don't think that any organization with Ron Hornaday playing a major part could be considered a "Powerhouse".

--Jeb Burton joins Turner "No Fans Allowed!" Motorsports for 2013.  Jeb's father Ward will also join the team in a management position, working on what he calls "Dwivah Devewopmen".

-Parker Kligerman is leaving the Truck Series to run full-time in the Nationwide Series for Kyle Busch Motorsports.  Hmmm--Kligerman, Kurt Busch, they're really establishing a dream team of former Penske-affiliated drivers there.  Where's David Stremme when you need him?

--Finally, SS Green Light Racing is looking for a replacement for Ross Chastain, preferably one with watermelon-based sponsorship.

Catching Up: The Nationwide Series

The Nationwide Series' Most-Profitable Team?

No doubt you've been busy lately--what with the holidays, weather changes, pending apocalypse and whatnot.  Instead of forcing you to scan typo-riddled Jayski articles, here's a quick rundown of some recently-announced…um, announcements from the Nascar Nationwide Series:

--Elliott Sadler officially announced that he and sponsor One Main Financial are moving to Joe Gibbs Racing.  But without Austin Dillon as a teammate, who will he blame when he has a crappy setup?

--Brian Scott (also known as Car Spinning On The Backstretch) moves from the #11 car to Elliott Sadler's old ride with RCR.  In case you're wondering, Brian Scott is a lot like Danica Patrick--gets rides based solely on sponsorship, wrecks all the time, has little respect of their competitors, etc.--but without the irritating commercials.

--James Buescher might be running in the Nationwide Series in 2013.  James, let me just let you know, you married the world's most-perfect woman--a hottie whose dad owns a race team.  Don't screw it up!

--Cole Whitt might be the odd man out at JR Motorsports, which currently has funding/sponsorship to run two full-time teams next season (one for Regan Smith, one for the Hendrick Driver Smorgasbord).  Well, at least he can always go back to Red Bull Rac--oh, right.

--In a scheduling change, the Nationwide Series will make Nascar's first-ever appearance at the Mid-Ohio Sports Car Course.  Sure, it won't have Montreal's exact layout and may not have Montreal's thrilling finishes, but at least there won't/shouldn't be anyone throwing shoes.

Hanukkah, Nascar-Style

"'Hire Brett Bodine' they said.  'He'll be great' they said."

As a semi-Jewish Nascar fan, of which there are seven of us, I'm proud to be celebrating Hanukkah, aka That Holiday Around Christmas With The Candle-Things.  Here's a quick explanation for those unfamiliar with the Festival of Lights:

--The holiday itself commemorates when the Maccabi's survived a siege, were left with only a day's worth of oil, but were able to stretch the oil out for eight days.  No word on if they made it work by throwing the Menorah into neutral in the turns or by drafting other tribes.

--Notorious hyper-miler Brad Keselowski would make a great Hanukkah spokesman, but I heard he would have forced a name change to "The Festival of Lites".

--Jewish children traditionally receive "Gelt"--chocolate wrapped in gold foil--for Hanukkah.  If you've never had Gelt, its the world's worst chocolate--even worse than the Big 'Mo candy bar.

--Another custom closely associated with Hanukkah is the Dreidel, a four-sided spinning top used to play a game of chance.  I think this is how Front Row Motorsports decides what sponsor will be on the hood of the 38 car (A&W, Long John Silver's, TMone, or Gimmel?)

--Hanukkah goes on for eight nights, which means its STILL shorter than the qualifying process for the Daytona 500.

--Hanukkah is a time you are likely to see the international symbol for Judaism, The Star of David Ragan.

--When lighting the menorah, all men must be wearing head-coverings called Yarmulkes, which is the only word more-difficult to spell than Villeneuve.

--And always remember--we know the story of Hanukkah to be true because Mark Martin was there.

Spade Racing's Awards Season Movie Previews

Its that time of the year--the days are getting shorter, the air is getting colder, and Hollywood is trotting out its "Prestige" movies for a shot at Oscar gold.  Here's a look at the movies with Nascar connections:

Playing for Keeps--Richard Childress figures out the best way to keep Kevin Harvick from going to Stewart-Haas in 2014--chains, a chair, and a heavy-duty lock.

Lay the Favorite--Pit Lizards (women who troll the Nascar scene looking for sugar daddies) try to seduce Brad Keselowski before his wedding to beer.

Cheerful Weather for the Wedding--Beer gets frost-brewed ice-cold feet the day before its wedding to Brad Keselowski.

Save the Date--Michael McDowell announces the single race where he's going to try and run the entire distance, all for that extra $2,000.

This Is 40--A documentary on how David Stremme spends his spare time--converting old Coors Light diecast cars into Inception Motorsports diecast cars.

Jack Reacher--Tom Cruise and Robert Duvall reunite to tell the story of Cole Trickle's last shot at glory--a jackman with 10-foot-long arms.

The Impossible--Can Chip Ganassi take his team back to its former glory?  Well, look at the title.

Not Fade Away--Bobby Labonte continues his years-long battle against obscurity.

Parental Guidance--Just two hours of incredibly awkward conversations between Richard and Kyle Petty.