Miles The Monster Fired for Sleeping Through Race

In what could turn out to be one of the most-expensive slept-through alarm clocks in history, Dover Motorsports has announced that they have terminated the contract of track mascot Miles the Monster, effective immediately.

STILL more reliable than
"White Lightning"

"We know that fans have come to expect a certain level of excitement at Dover, and today Miles did not provide it", said track spokeswoman Meg Clayton.  "When we found out that Miles had slept through his alarm clock, we decided to enforce our zero-tolerance policy and released him from our payroll immediately."

Named for the track's "Monster Mile" nickname, Miles was notorious through the years for tearing up equipment on the high-banked oval.  However, Miles was not seen at all during today's race, resulting in an absence of spins, wrecks, or bump-and-runs on the track.

"I know I was surprised to not see anyone spinning out", said exhausted race winner Jimmie Johnson in Victory Lane.  "Usually we have a few spinners, or a big bottleneck around turn two, but today?  Nothing.  I guess we all miss Todd Bodine more than we ever realized."

Miles, to his credit, attempted to make it to the track, but due to traffic on Route 13 was unable to enter the facility until just after the checkered flag.  As a result, the most mayhem he inflicted all day was on the winning 48 car during its celebratory burnout.

"ME NOT PROUD, ME MAKE MISTAKE", Miles said to assembled reporters at a nearby satellite parking lot.  "ME WORK TO GET BACK IN TRACK'S GOOD GRACES.  ME PUT STAND AROUND DO-NOTHING SKILLS TO WORK AS PARKING ATTENDANT."

Dover "News" and Notes

--Ah, yes, Delaware!  Home of credit card firms, poisonous chemicals, and me.  Sorry.

--5-Hour Energy WILL be returning to Michael Waltrip Racing and Clint Bowyer in 2014.  This leaves MWR with about a car-and-two-thirds sponsored for next season, meaning that RK Motors is about to become a sponsor for one-and-one-third of the schedule.

--Quicken Loans, meanwhile, will be following Ryan Newman to RCR next year, pairing up with CAT(erpillar) on the #31 car.  I hope that Quicken Loans is ready for some added exposure, because if there's one thing I've learned, it's that people love CAT videos.

--Refocusing to this season, it appears that Dale Earnhardt Jr. is on pace to have a record finish, becoming the first driver to finish worse than 12th in the Chase.

--TJ Bell steps into the #40 Nationwide Series car this weekend with sponsorship from The Fire Store.  No word on when they'll run the Beavis special paint scheme.

Throwback Paint Scheme Week at Spade Racing!

Unfortunately, Nascar doesn't have a dedicated week for "throwback" classic paint schemes.  Oh, sure, a team will run one on occasion, but wouldn't it be cool to see almost the entire field sporting looks from the 90's, 80's, or before?

Wouldn't it?

Well, regardless, *I* think it would be cool.  So here's my throwback lineup.  Each paint scheme is connected to the current driver either through the driver himself, the number, or the sponsor.  Oh, and if a team HAS run a particular throwback in the past (i.e. the Nascar Hall of Fame tributes), I discounted them from the list.

1 Jamie McMurray--Rick Mast's Inaugural Brickyard 400 paint scheme (number).

2 Brad Keselowski--Bobby Allison's gold Miller High Life scheme (sponsor).

5 Kasey Kahne--Terry Labonte's mid-90's Kellogg's scheme (number & team).

9 Marcos Ambrose--Bill Elliott's 1980's Coors Light scheme (number).

10 Danica Patrick--Derrike Cope's 1990 Daytona 500 winner (number).

11 Denny Hamlin--Junior Johnson's 1980's Budweiser cars (number).

14 Tony Stewart--Smoke's own stock car debut, the Shell Busch Series car (driver).

15 Clint Bowyer--Bud Moore's Motorcraft-sponsored schemes from the late-80's (number).

16 Greg Biffle--Ted Musgrave's Family Channel 90's-scheme (number & team)

17 Ricky Stenhouse Jr.--Darrell Waltrip's Western Auto scheme (number).

18 Kyle Busch--Derrike Cope & Ernie Irvan's Skittles scheme (sponsor).

20 Matt Kenseth--Matt's mostly-unsponsored Lycos car from the Busch Series (driver).

21 Trevor Bayne--almost every paint scheme they run is a tribute, but I'd like to see the late-80's red, white & blue Citgo scheme again. (number & team).

22 Joey Logano--Ward Burton's MBNA America colors from the mid-1990's (number).

24 Jeff Gordon--Jeff's Baby Ruth car from his Busch Series days (driver).

27 Paul Menard--Jimmy Spencer's all-red McDonalds scheme from the mid-90's (number).

29 Kevin Harvick--Harv's silver-and-black GM Goodwrench scheme (number, driver, & team).

31 Jeff Burton--Jeff's Exide colors from the mid-90's (driver).

39 Ryan Newman--Ryan's Alltel look from his earliest Penske days (driver).

42 Juan Pablo Montoya--a return of the greatest paint scheme of all-time, Kyle Petty's Mello Yello car (number & team).

43 Aric Almirola--hard to find a paint scheme they haven't honored, so how about reaching WAY back to Lee Petty's old white-and-orange colors? (team).

48 Jimmie Johnson--the first Lowe's paint scheme, from the mid-90's (sponsor).

55 Brian Vickers--Phil Parsons' Skoal scheme from the 1980's (number).

56 Martin Truex Jr.--MWR's old brown-n-white UPS colors (team).

88 Dale Earnhardt Jr.--Dale Jarrett's patriotic 1990's Quality Care scheme (number).

99 Carl Edwards--Jack Roush's old Strohs Light car from the late-80's (team).

Matt Kenseth 500th Start Reports Record Sales

In their first race as a primary sponsor of a Nascar team, retail chain Matt Kenseth 500th Start has reported record sales and consumer interest.

"This was our first time sponsoring a Cup car--or any car for that matter, and the response has been overwhelming", said Matt Kenseth 500th Start director of marketing Jeff Gallagher.  "We pride ourselves on being one of America's leaders for hardware supplies, and this sponsorship is really letting us get our name out there."

Same color as Terry Labonte's hair!

The company, which, as stated above, deals mostly in hardware and home improvement implements, was a partner this week with tool company Husky.  Running the store's trademark silver colors, stores nationwide reported an increase in foot traffic shortly after today's Sylvania 500 started.

"Our company has always strove to reach the needs of the consumer, ever since we were founded in 1978 by J. Thaddeus Matt-Kenseth VIII.  We hope that all our new customers will find our selection, service, and prices to be the best around."

This has been a year of firsts for major retailers becoming involved in Nascar.  Levine Family Racing's #95 car has been emblazoned with the logo of Red Paint Inc. for most of the season, while both the 33 & 40 cars of Circle Sport Racing have featured I Think That's Supposed To Be A Forest-Fire on the entire car.

Despite the satisfaction Matt Kenseth 500th Start has taken in their involvement, not all sponsors were happy today at New Hampshire.

"I'm really disappointed that Nascar has made the rulings it has after the events at Richmond", said an unidentified executive with 5-Hour Energy.  "The fact that they penalized us for spinning out makes no sense.  I mean, Travis Pastrana does that every week, and Bizarre Neon Colors NEVER gets in trouble."

New Hampshire "News" and Notes

--Before you call NAPA's decision to depart MWR a bad business move, remember that, if Martin Truex Jr. wins this weekend, he'd be doubling his wins in the NAPA car for his entire career.

--Michael McDowell is driving the #51 on Sunday, now owned by Harry Scott.  While they do have sponsorship (SEM), I wish it would just say, "UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT", or "NOW BARKDOLL FREE".

--Nationwide Insurance will be ending its sponsorship of the Nascar Nationwide Series after the 2014 season.  No word yet on any potential replacements, though I hear that "Cap'n France's Fish n' Foodstuffs" is attempting to drive up the price.

--You know, I could've gone the rest of my life withOUT seeing Gretchen Wilson on my TV and been VERY happy.

--Kevin Swindell takes over the Swan Racing #30 machine this weekend (and probably for the rest of the season), putting him on the fast track to be the next Landon Cassill.

--Sure Joe Gibbs Racing is launching a "virtual" magazine, but will readers be turned-off by the tasteful yet explicit photo shoot of a nude Jimmy Makar?

The NAPA Departure: Winners and Losers

"Don't cheat.  Helps if you actually LISTEN to me
for once--Ty, I'm looking in YOUR direction."

Today NAPA announced that they will be leaving Michael Waltrip Racing at the end of this season.  Losing one of the sport's stalwart sponsors is never a good thing, but after going to Richmond and, well, cheating, it wasn't really unexpected.  As the dust settles, let's see who comes out ahead, who comes out behind, and who's comin' out, they want the world to know, gotta let it show.

Michael Waltrip Racing:  Nascar's newest top-level team losing its longest-running sponsorship--one that was for the entire Cup schedule.  This on the heels of having one of its drivers kicked out of the Chase, another severely penalized, and being levied the largest set of fines in Nascar history.  And to make matters worse, the vending machine in the lower break room is out of those trail mix bars Brian Vickers really likes.  LOSER

Michael Waltrip:  All of the above, plus he has to live with the fact that he's Michael Waltrip.  LOSER

Karma:  Finally, proof that sometimes bad things DO happen to bad people.  WINNER

Robert Kaufmann:  The rarely heard-from co-owner of MWR should soon be fielding a call from his business partner asking if RK Motors would mind "…stepping up its sponsor commitment to about 20 races".  LOSER

NAPA:  Short Term--"Finally, we can pick whatever team we want, whatever driver we want.  We're free agents!"  WINNER … Long Term--"Wait.  We sponsored that team for almost 10 years and got ONE stinkin' win?!?"  LOSER

Martin Truex Jr.:  The only seemingly innocent victim in all of this has lost his sponsorship and (possibly) his ride.  If its any consolation, Martin, you're still in much better shape professionally than Stuart Kirby.  LOSER

Martin Truex Jr., The "Sweep The
Leg" Guy, and a Brendan Gaughan
look-alike

The "Sweep The Leg" Guy:  The Karate Kid actor gets to re-film his cameo commercial appearance!  WINNER

Ron Capps:  He has to deal with another long commercial shoot with The "Sweep The Leg" Guy bugging him constantly for naked pictures of Angelle Sampey.  LOSER

Furniture Row Racing:  They might be able to parlay their open seat and in-house sponsorship into an alliance with MWR and, by extension, a coveted contract with Toyota.  They'll even get to keep their prized World's Dullest Paint Scheme award.  WINNER

Me:  Sure, I get loads more of material, and less inane commercials.  But, as I look to my left and see my vast collection of Kyle Petty 1:64th diecast cars, I'm reminded that I am still a LOSER

Rain Delays: FAQ Section

Yesterday's debut of the 2012/2013 (depending on what sign you read) Chase for the Sprint Cup was delayed twice by rain at Chicagoland Speedway.  Eventually, Matt Kenseth rolled into victory lane in the wee hours of Monday morning.  For those of you who are new to the sport, or just willfully ignorant, here's some frequently asked questions about what happens when a race is interrupted by the wet stuff:

Courtesy ESPN.com, aka That Site
Everybody Complains About

Why CAN'T they race in the rain?  --Look at a racing tire--its called a "slick" for a reason.  With no grooves to channel away water, racing in anymore more than a light mist would have most of the field slipping and sliding around like it was really hot in there, their arms bothered them, and they were going to itch it.

Why can't they just use rain tires?  --Rain tires don't really work well on speedways (as opposed to road courses) because there's less of a place for the water to be channeled when the surface is so high-banked (not to mention the fact that 100% of the tire surface is needed to keep the car "stuck" to the track).  Yep, the water has no place good to go--just like Bobby Labonte and Jeff Burton.

Why don't they build a domed/covered track?  --This sounds like a good idea until you realize that it would be useless unless it actually does rain.  Just imagine it--a bright, sunny day, cool temperatures…and you're stuck inside a noisy racetrack breathing in fumes from David Gilliland's Ford.

Well then, how about a retractable roof?  --Retractable roofs are pretty damn expensive.  If you're able to find 75,000 people willing to spend $250 to watch Kyle Busch destroy the Nationwide Series, go nuts.

"Read the sign, punk!"

Taken from my TV--feel free to share!

(Click here to read my now slightly-outdated News & Notes article)

Brian France does his
Mike Helton impression

In today's "Yeah, sorry about that Jeff" press conference held by Nascar, the logo on the backdrop behind the head honchos read: "Chase for the Sprint Cup 2012".  Now, how could such a thing happen?  Well, besides complacency and executive incompetence, that is.

--After letting Jeff Gordon into the Chase as the 13th driver on Friday the 13th, they were tired of looking at the number 13 (watch out, Casey Mears).

--The guy next to Mike Helton had just time-travelled from the 1920's.  C'mon--give Fatty Arbuckle a break!

--The sport's higher-ups are far too busy pursuing a perjury charge against Michael Waltrip, who blatantly lied on Nascar Race Hub when he said, "I am not a dipsh*t".

--Plenty of people noticed it, but they were worried about what would happen if they made Mike Helton even sadder than he already looked.

Chicagoland "News" and Notes (Plus Picks!)

--After a week of cheating revelations, penalties, and more cheating accusations, its finally time to go back to racing…at one of the dullest tracks on the circuit.

--The fallout from last week's "regular season finale" has brought demands to discontinue the Chase for the Cup to the forefront.  Yeah, that makes sense--bring back the boring old season-long model that only rewards consistency.  "Oooh, he finished 12th with an ill-handling car--he's championship material!"

--Because you might have missed it (I know I did):  After the Chase reset and points penalties, guess who wound up 14th in points?  Jamie McMurray.

--It was nice to see Clint Bowyer throw his friend Jimmie Johnson under the bus by suggesting that the 48's on-track woes at Richmond were a result of trying to help Jeff Gordon make the Chase.  If there's one thing MWR is great at, its deflection.

…and now, here's my picks for the rest of the season:

Championship: Carl Edwards

Runner-Up: Kyle Busch/Jimmie Johnson

12th Place (worst of the Chase): Ryan Newman

13th Place (best of the rest): Brad Keselowski

("Remember, I made all this up")

Penske/Logano Cheating Allegations Reveal David Gilliland Still Running Cup

Nascar was rocked by a second cheating scandal today, as new audio uncovered by The UFC & Football Network (aka Fox Sports 1) revealed that Penske Racing may have induced Front Row Motorsports to have their driver David Gilliland give up a position to Joey Logano.  Reaction to the news has ranged from outrage to shock that David Gilliland is still racing full-time in the Nascar Sprint Cup Series.

"You mean there actually is a
David Gilliland?  Good Lord!
This changes everything!"

"Honestly, I can't believe that he's still around", said longtime Nascar fan Steve Scott.  "I remember him getting that win in the Busch Series--I think it was called the Busch Series then--and then I think he was in the M&M's car for a few years, but I thought he'd have been retired or running in the K&N West Series by now.  Guess ya learn something new every day."

Front Row and Penske are both part of the Ford racing camp, although it remains to be seen if there were any manufacturer orders handed down to the surprisingly not-retired Gilliland.

Nascar, meanwhile, has said that they are looking into the issue but have yet to find anything conclusive.

"We continue to listen closely to the in-car audio of Joey Logano and David Gilliland, and we--wait, David Gilliand?  The guy from the Fred Credit car?", said Nascar spokesman Clayton Wilson.  "I thought he lost his ride when (David) Ragan joined the team.  Well, guess ya learn something new every day."

David Gilliland was unable to be reached for comment, and may or may not have a working phone line.  However, Spade Racing was able to get a comment from the beneficiary of this possible cheating, Joey Logano:

"While I can't speak for my team personnel, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that these accusations are wildly false.  Really--who would believe that my team would make a deal with David Gilliland.  The guy ran his last Cup race about three years ago!  Why don't you just throw in some other retired drivers, like Lake Speed or Josh Wise."

The Chase: Ryan Newman IN, Martin Truex Jr. OUT, Larry Gunselman UNDECIDED

The Nascar world was rocked tonight by the news that the sanctioning body had removed Martin Truex Jr. from the Chase for the Sprint Cup for manipulating the result of the race--namely teammate Clint Bowyer intentionally spinning out.  Meanwhile, Ryan Newman--the driver who was most-hurt by the spin--will reportedly take Truex's place in the Chase.  Here's a quick breakdown of this Earth-shattering (well, ok, maybe just Hemisphere-shattering) news:

--Ryan Newman will enter the Chase trying to end his tenure at Stewart-Haas Racing on a high note.  One would also presume that, after Saturday Night's post-race comments, he'll be doing all the pit stops himself from now on.

--Martin Truex Jr. would, in theory, be left to compete for the 13th-place spot in the points standings, for which he'd receive a "Best of the Rest" trophy made entirely of tin.

--Michael Waltrip Racing has reportedly been fined a whopping $300,000.  Michael Waltrip's stylists are already preparing for what's being dubbed "The Hair Gel Shortage of 2014".

--Ty Norris is reportedly suspended indefinitely, causing fans everywhere to wonder, "Mikey, Truex AND Ty?  What is this--DEI in 2004?"

--All three drivers (Truex, Clint Bowyer, and Brian Vickers) have been reportedly docked 50 points each for their actions.  Bowyer may attempt to appeal the punishment, pointing out that if spinning out on your own near the end of a race is against the rules, then Travis Pastrana should have negative points by now.

--No word yet on if there'll be any penalties for Bowyer's crew chief Brian Pattie, aka The Most Obvious Cheat In The World.

Clint Bowyer Explains Last Night's Spinout

"I'd strangle Ryan Newman's neck...if I could find it"

Hello, Nascar fans.  If you're like me, and I know I am, you're probably still talking about last night's intense on-track action at Richmond International Raceway.  It was a heck of a race, and an exciting way to segue into the Chase for the Cup.  Unfortunately, certain people--Ray Evernham, I'm looking in your direction--are accusing Michael Waltrip Racing of cheating.

Well, frankly, I've had enough of it.

How could you--any of you--accuse MWR of such a heinous act?  All I've seen online and heard on the radio are false, baseless accusations.  Our race team prides itself on being fair, competitive, and following the rules.  Our team owner Michael Waltrip sets the tone.  He's taught us what's really important--sticking together no matter what and always conducting yourself in an honest, professional manner.

Now, some of you might be wondering why there were certain comments made by my crew chief prior to my spinout.  Well, I talked to Brian Pattie, and he told me, with firm and strong conviction in his voice, "No Comment".  Well, that's good enough for me, and it SHOULD be good enough for you.

Well, I'm glad I got all of this cleared up.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have a group of adoring fans waiting outside the MWR RaceWorld shop, the only one that charges its own fans to enter.  Boy, I can't wait to see their show of support!

Ryan Newman Wins Post-Race Bus Race Over Pit Crew

Though he missed the Chase on a tiebreaker (less 2nd place finishes than Martin Truex Jr.), Ryan Newman found a silver lining at Richmond, easily winning the post-race bus race over his pit crew.

"Well, at least this team can win SOMETHING", a dejected Newman said in the Greyhound Bus Victory Lane. 

"Loan me a better pit crew"

"We missed the Chase, and if the race had stayed green, we'd have won the race AND made the Chase.  You know, if it wasn't for luck, I'd win every race, even though I don't have a race-winning pit crew."

Newman, who blamed his loss in the Federated Auto Parts 400 on a substandard final pit stop, quickly exited his car and commandeered a tour bus parked in the garage area.  Newman then proceeded to drive the bus at record speeds over his pit crew, team, and support staff.

"Believe me, I wish I was in the Chase, even though I wouldn't have had any shot to win with my pit crew", Newman fumed.  "I mean, I took a pay cut so we could stay competitive.  I sacrificed, and I'm a slightly lesser millionaire for it."

Newman was joined in Victory Lane by last night's winner of the Passive Aggressive Whining race winner, Brian

"LODGE a formal complaint?
Are you SHORE about that?"

Scott.  Scott echoed Newman's complaints, albeit about restarts.

"Well, if Nascar doesn't give us clarity on the rules, how can we really win?  If we don't know the restart rules, then how are we able to compete for wins?  I'd be worried if I was in charge of Nascar--I have the whole state of Idaho behind ME."

Newman, who was recently told that he was losing his ride at Stewart Haas Racing at the end of the season, said that he is already looking forward to the 2014 Daytona 500.

"Next year I'll be with a team that has a chance to win, I guarantee you that", Newman told the assembled media.  "Unless we start the season with a bunch of wrecks, in which case I'm sure it'll be someone else's fault again."

Richmond "News" and Notes

 

--The silliest silly season in years continues, as Jeff Burton was released from his ride at RCR effective the end of the season.  Race fans everywhere were stunned to learn that Jeff Burton hadn't retired years ago.

This is what I imagine
The Pete Store sells

--Apparently Jeff Burton was planning on running one more season, then going into the broadcast booth with NBC.  Now he might have a year in-between.  I wonder if NBC would let him work other events, like ESPN did with Rusty Wallace?  I bet Jeff Burton would make a GREAT curling analyst at the Winter Olympics.

--Superstar Josh Wise will have a new sponsor this week--something called "The Pete Store".  I'm glad he was able to find sponsorship, for Pete's sake.

--Apparently Juan Pablo Montoya has been out to Colorado to meet with Furniture Row Racing about their open seat for next season.  Because when JPM left Formula 1, I'm sure he dreamt of the day he could drive for a mattress store based out of the Rocky Mountains.

--Scott Speed has apparently left the 95 team.  Apparently they made one too many "Go jump in a Lake" jokes.

--Richmond means its the last chance to make the Chase.  Who will make it?  Dale Jr.?  (Probably).  Jeff Gordon?  (Maybe).  Brad Keselowski?  (Unlikely).  Jimmy Horton?  (No).

Spade Racing's Back to School Guide

All across America, kids, teenagers, and slow adults are going back to school this week.  As someone who got picked-on from Kindergarten till, well, graduation, I know how hard it can be for our nation's youth to fit-in.  That's why I've compiled a handy cross-reference guide to the various high school stereotypes for all you Nascar fans out there.  Take a look!

Jimmie Johnson--That popular kid who gets almost-all straight-A's, is on three different sports teams, has a cute girlfriend, and is secretly hated by everyone else.  Also rumored to be getting extra help from his tutor.

Clint Bowyer--The popular jock who's still nice to all the kids in the school, even the geekiest of them.  He's rumored to have scored a 1060 on his SAT's by simply answering "A-C-D-C" the whole way down.

Kevin Harvick--The guy who works almost full-time for his parents business, and as a result, nobody really knows that much about him.  He's said to be going to a really good college next year.

Carl Edwards

Carl Edwards--The star athlete who's getting a full-ride scholarship to the local state college.  Broke up with his hot girlfriend from the swimming club when she got "too crazy".

Kyle Busch--Spazzy honors student who freaks out whenever he gets a B.  Is inexplicably going steady with a hot college girl.

Matt Kenseth--Droll, dry wit helps this "new kid" fit in.  Supposedly he went to an engineering magnet school before transferring.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.--Wallflower.  No, seriously, he's Jakob Dylan.

Joey Logano--Former luminary from the "Gifted and Talented" program at the middle school, he's still a contender for Valedictorian, though he seems to do best at introductory courses.

Greg Biffle--Solid student, has some decent friends, but seems to kind of just blend into the background.  Works on the school's recycling program.

Kurt Busch--Disturbed kid who's going to his fourth high-school in as many years at this point.  Has season tickets to the local baseball team.

Jeff Gordon--Kid who's 18 but somehow looks 25 years old.  Rumored to be able to grow a mustache in a week.

Kasey Kahne--Kid who's 18 but somehow looks 11 years old.  Unstable home life.

Martin Truex Jr.--The Guy With the Beard.  Seems to know a lot about fishing.  Always helps other students out when they need their car battery jumped.

Ryan Newman

Ryan Newman--Bitter math wiz who's constantly talking about how much better things will be next year when he gets out of this town.

Brad Keselowski--Activist who's constantly railing against injustice.  Has an older brother who made a bunch of the stuff in shop class.

Jamie McMurray--Won the school spelling bee AND geography bee in 7th grade, but hasn't done much since.  Flight-certified.

Paul Menard--The Rich Kid.  Has had the same sideburns since freshman year.

Aric Almirola--Nice guy, real personable, but for some reason he always smells sort of like bacon.

Juan Pablo Monotya--Transferred in after spending a few years in Europe with his family.  Apparently went to elementary school in Indiana while his parents went through a bitter divorce.

Marcos Ambrose--The Guy With the Accent.  Calls all his friends "Stanley" for some reason.

Ricky Stenhouse Jr.--Wears a cowboy hat everywhere he goes.  Works part-time at Best Buy and can get you a pretty good deal on computer speakers.

Jeff Burton--Class President.  Loves watching CAT videos online.

Tony Stewart

Tony Stewart--Broke his leg in a sprint race over the summer and has been stuck at home ever since.

Casey Mears--Family has been going to this school for generations.  Has a pet gecko.

David Ragan--Still best-known for his surprise winning entry in the school talent show this year.  No one knew he could replicate a train whistle so well.

Denny Hamlin--On a slew of sports teams, but is always injured.  Seems to be the only student who doesn't like the cool, wisecracking ponytailed English teacher.

Danica Patrick--Computer-science geek who is the object of every male computer-science geek's affections.

David Gilliland--Night-manager at the local fast-food joint.

Mark Martin--Transferred-in late in his senior year.  Seems to have been held back a lot.

Dave Blaney--Quiet, introverted loner who nobody knows much of anything about.  Rumored to be a big Ohio State fan.

David Stremme--Pretty-boy who has a last-name none of the substitute teachers can ever pronounce.

Bobby Labonte--"Dude, did you hear what happened to Bobby last week?  He was on his motorcycle and, like, beat up about 12 Hell's Angels, man!  Yeah, he had his whole ribcage broken open!"

Mike Skeen's Girlfriend Slaps Brad Keselowski's Engine

In a season of disappointment and bad luck, Brad Keselowski needed a great run tonight to stay in Chase contention.  However, his chances might have been destroyed once Mike Skeen's girlfriend slapped the power out of his engine mid-race.

"I don't really know how it happened, but all of a sudden we saw this woman come over and slap the (heck) out of our engine", a dejected Keselowski said after the race.  "We don't know how she got there, or why she did it, but it really ruined our chances of having a good run."

Click (don't slap) here for the video

Skeen's girlfriend, who slapped Max Papis after today's Truck Series race, was not available for comment.  Nor was it explained how she was able to get from Ontario Canada to suburban Atlanta in a few hours.  "We were having a decent run, then out of nowhere, this crazy lady comes up and slaps our engine!", Keselowski explained.  "She dislodged two of our cylinders from the motor, and my ears are still ringing really bad.  I wish I knew what her problem was with us, or even what her name is."

Skeen's girlfriend appears to have been quite busy this weekend.  While it has not been confirmed, she was rumored to have been seen in Baltimore, slapping Sebastien Bourdais for rough driving.  There are also unsubstantiated rumors of Skeen's girlfriend stopping briefly in North Carolina to slap Gene Haas for hiring Kurt Busch for next season.

"We don't know who this woman is--heck, we don't even know who Mike Skeen is, really.", said a Nascar official, "but we'll definitely be beefing up security for next week's race at Richmond.  That reminds me, how is Nicole Biffle available to guard the garage Saturday?"