(this is a work of parody—all quotes are fictional)
One week after their pit road fight at Kansas Speedway, Ross Chastain has explained his actions Sunday that led to him punching Noah Gragson, saying it was all a part of an ill-conceived intervention about Gragson’s bowl-cut hairdo.
“When you see a fellow competitor looking like the smelly kid in a 1992 second grade classroom, you need to step up to help them”, Chastain said. “Noah didn’t want to listen to what I had to say, but I kept at it. Unfortunately he REALLY didn’t like it when I compared his haircut to ‘Ralph Wiggum on Rogaine’ and he got physical.”
Gragson showed up with his bizarre new ‘do at Dover, apparently the result of a bet with fellow racer Austin Dillon. However—to the surprise of just about everyone—Gragson maintained the hairstyle the following week, prompting Chastain to lead the attempt to help.
“Addiction shows in many forms—drugs, alcohol, utterly-regrettable hair choices—and sometimes you need to reach a person when they’re at their most vulnerable, like after a race”, Chastain said. “I kept trying to tell him that I’d take him to a barber, that we just wanted him back to the way he was, but I guess he was too far gone for it to resonate.”
Chastain reiterated that his punch was only in self-defense, and that he held no ill will towards Gragson.
“I regret that I had to defend myself, because all we really want is for Noah to get the stylist held he needs”, Chastain explained. “Once the clippers finish their job, he’ll feel like a new man on the road to recovery.”
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