In response to criticism over his decision to run a “Black Lives Matter” paint scheme at Martinsville, Bubba Wallace has announced that, in the interest of fairness, he will run a car with the eternal symbol of the Confederate States of America—the white flag of surrender.
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“Many people have come out to criticize my decision to promote racial equality and reconciliation”, Wallace said in a prepared statement. “However, this apparently is a bridge too far for some bitter white folks who cling onto a war from 160 years ago. Therefore, I will be running a special ‘white flag’ paint scheme at an upcoming race to honor what the Confederacy is best known for—losing.”
Wallace has been outspoken in the past few weeks, having worn a “Black Lives Matter” t-shirt at Atlanta and expressing to interviewer/golf-enthusiast Don Lemon that Confederate battle flags should be banned from the race track.
“I feel like my mission to create a more-inclusive atmosphere for fans of all races and creeds has left out an important demographic—hillbillies with so little going on in their lives that they’re forced to take pride in a war their heroes lost. Well, don’t worry—bring the white surrender flag and we’ll all know that you stand for the same thing the South stood for in 1865—unconditional surrender.”
Nascar has long tried to rectify its patriotic image with its tendency to attract fans who support a long-ago insurrection that killed countless American soldiers. Wallace hopes his upcoming special paint scheme will help to change that.
“Look—if you’re willing to admit that you love the idea of owning people more than you love your country, that’s fine”, Wallace said. “Just be open about it. Wave that white flag. It’ll show that you value a false ‘lost cause’ over the United States, our military, and your own dignity.
“Oh, by the way, don’t bother making any ‘Bubba surrendered the lead lap!’ jokes”, Wallace concluded. “You’d be off the pace too if your team was still digging out from a year of Brian Scott.”
(NOTE: this is a PARODY)