Unless you’re unenlightened, you probably know that most Nascar drivers are in amazing physical shape to deal with the rigors of the sport. But we’re not here today to talk about how drivers get into shape—we’re here to show you how you can get into shape by being like a Nascar driver!
Using the Nascar Workout you can become as physically fit as a stock car racer in no time! Small stature! Powerful physique! Crippling back pain! And it’s all possible with The Nascar Workout patented program. Just take a look at this sample seven-day schedule:
Sunday: Spend a morning pretending to like corporate toadies. Sit in a 140 degree metal box for four straight hours to achieve peak weight loss and dehydration. Get a microphone shoved in your face immediately after exiting.
Monday: RECOVERY DAY—lay in bed for 18 hours wondering what you’re going to do if your sponsor abandons you.
Tuesday: Hour of autographing diecast cars to work out your forearms and shoulders. Simulated “team meeting” to provide inner-zen.
Wednesday: Media tour simulation—provides fine motor skill training by attaching and removing tiny microphone to your collar. Finish it off by sitting in an uncomfortable director’s chair waiting to be interviewed by Parker Kligerman for Nascar America (no, this isn’t a simulation—Parker Kligerman will actually interview YOU!)
Thursday: RECOVERY DAY—simulated private jet travel. Build inner confidence and interpersonal skills by simulating sitting on a plane for five hours with six guys who have the same schedule you do but make 1/10th of your salary.
Friday: Core body workout via practice run simulation—getting in and out of a car with no windows does wonders for your abs.
Saturday: Guest Broadcaster Roleplaying—build self-discipline and inner peace through mediation in order to not punch Michael Waltrip lookalike who constantly elbows you.