NBC: Throwing it Back

As you no doubt saw during tonight’s race (aka Watch Timmy Hill Get Lapped 25 Times) NBC is getting in on the action for the upcoming Darlington “Throwback” race, paying tribute to the 1970’s.  Here’s what you’ll see on the telecast to make it feel like The Me Decade:

—Race will be aired on your local NBC affiliate, but on tape delay, only showing the final 100 laps.

Usually he roots for Steve Grissom

—Bringing back driver interviews during pit stops by reporters standing next to the cars.

—Safety crew to be replaced by four fat guys in bright yellow t-shirts.

—In the interest of political correctness, RUBBLE flags will be on display.

—Dale Jr. to get beat up pre-race for having a beard “like a damn hippie”.

—Austin Dillon to honor the 3 car’s performance in the 70’s by not coming close to winning.

—Commercials for classic tv shows like Supertrain and BJ & The Bear.

—Instead of Twitter, announcers to ask drivers questions yelled by drunk guy who broke into the press box.

—“In Car Camera” to be a 110 bouncing around in the trunk.

Bristol “News” and Notes

—Well, it looks like Michael Waltrip Racing will be no more at the end of the season.  And while it sucks for the employees who’ll be losing their jobs, it’s as close to justice as we’ll get for their cheating, irritating shill of a boss.

—David Ragan is rumored to be replacing Sideways Sam at RPM, but Clint Bowyer’s future is much more up in the air.  Consensus seems to be that he could take a mid-level “stopgap” ride for a season until a bigger ride opens up.  Then again, I like to think that David Gilliland has been running for Front Row Motorsports “until a bigger ride opens up.”

—In two weeks we have a slew of teams running VERY cool throwback paint schemes at Darlington, but two teams are getting a head-start this weekend: Jeff Gordon, running the vintage “rainbow warriors” scheme, and Kyle Busch, running the Skittles car to promote Derrike Cope’s candidacy for the Nascar Hall of Fame.

—Next weekend is an off-weekend for the Cup series, which will put the focus on the Xfinity Series (at Road America) and the Truck Series (at whatever they call that place in Canada now).

Cereal Racers

Does it taste like asphalt?

Earlier I broke the news that Timmy Hill would be endorsing Crispy Hexagons.  But why let the Timster have all the fun?  Here’s cereals that each and every Cup driver can endorse!

Jamie McMurray: Alpha-Bits—great when you were younger, but now you forget they’re still around.

Brad Keselowski: French Toast Crunch—doesn’t really fit in.

Austin Dillon: Pac-Man—just a well-known brand put on something mediocre.

Kevin Harvick: Rice Krispies—Snap(s off a great run), Crackle(s his car into the wall), Pop(s you in the mouth).

Kasey Kahne: Honey Smacks—pale imitation of the better one.

Trevor Bayne: Mr. T Cereal—popular way back when, now you can’t figure out why.

Alex Bowman: Coco Roos—all the driver at 50% of the cost, in a nondescript plain package.

Sam Hornish Jr.: Croonchy Stars—no idea why it exists.

Danica Patrick: Special K—gets great promotion but is ultimately a bit disappointing.

Denny Hamlin: All-Bran—makes the, um, ‘delivery’ quicker than FedEx.

For the full IndyCar experience, eat
while nobody is watching.

Casey Mears: King Vitaman—still hanging on despite a lack of promotion.

Tony Stewart: Marshmallow-Blasted Froot Loops—a good idea at first, but starts to hurt you later on.

Clint Bowyer: Oops! All Berries—in honor of the most-honest answer Clint could’ve given after the Richmond debacle.

Greg Biffle: Nutri-Grain—gets the job done (serve in a deteriorating bowl).

Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: orange juice, milk, toast, and fruit—as in, “part of this complete breakfast”.

Eddie Munster?

Kyle Busch: Quisp—only seems to be liked by weirdos.

Carl Edwards: Product 19—of course, unless they make a Subway cereal.

Matt Kenseth: Corn Flakes—preferrably dry.

Joey Logano: Golden Crisp—although JGR showed that they could get enough of that Golden Crisp.

Jeff Gordon: Total—you hated it before, but now you want to see it survive.

Paul Menard: Cookie Crisp—it’s rich.  Very VERY rich.

Ryan Newman: Mini-Wheats—versatile, efficient, but occasionally hard to swallow.

David Gilliland: Marshmallow Mateys—you think you bought it once before.

"OK, make sure the portrait makes
it look like he has no arms and has
a car coming out of his stomach.

Kurt Busch: Kaboom—limited availability.

Kyle Larson: Reese’s Puffs—seem good, but the execution is lacking.

Aric Almirola: Kashi—you can’t help but think that it would do better with a better company behind it.

Michael Annett: Eggo Cereal—it’s just there.

AJ Allmendinger: Christmas Crunch—only good about once a year.

Jimmie Johnson: Cheerios—dully delicious.

Justin Allgaier: whatever cereal uses Brandt genetically-modified crops

David Ragan: Life—Mikey likes it (…for now).

Martin Truex Jr.: Cocoa Puffs—they only look plain.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Cinnamon Toast Crunch—always popular.