Atlanta "News" and Notes

--Well, Kurt Busch is officially in the as-yet-unnumbered Haas Automation car for Stewart Haas Racing in 2014.  Which means that he should be back to driving for independent teams "…just trying to have fun" around 2016.

--Meanwhile, Kyle Larson has officially been named the driver of the #42 Target Chevy for Earnhardt-Ganassi Racing with Felix Sabates, also effective next season.  Some people think that Larson is being rushed into Cup far too young.  But hey--its not like there's a bunch of drivers who've been rushed into Cup before, so how would they know?

--Meanwhile (again), AJ Allmendinger is all-but-confirmed to take over the #47 Lotsa Sponsors car for JTG/Junebug Racing.  Rumors have the 47 team migrating to Chevy in 2014 and forging an alliance with RCR.  This upgrade in horsepower and technology means that they will go from only being a threat on plate tracks to only being a threat on plate tracks AND road courses.

--Speaking of the 47 crew, kinda-sorta-former driver Bobby Labonte is being held out of this week's race (he was due to run the #51 car) due to broken ribs sustained in a cycling accident near his home.  While Bobby Labonte's ribs are in bad shape, Willy T. Ribbs remains in excellent yet ornery condition.

--Oh, and by the way--there IS an actual race this weekend!

Ryan Newman's Head Explodes

The Nascar world was shook early today when Kurt Busch announced that he had signed with Stewart-Haas Racing for 2014 and beyond.  Mere minutes later, the greater Charlotte area literally shook from the impact of Ryan Newman's head exploding.

"Artist"'s Rendering

"Obviously, we don't get too many earthquakes here", said North Carolina Department of Geology director Clayton Stevens, "but we noticed a bump in our detection devices late this morning.  Upon further investigation, we found that this came from a man named Ryan Newman, whose head apparently exploded at the same exact time."

Newman, who was let go from Stewart-Haas effective the end of the season, was said to have been eating a late breakfast when he heard of the news of Busch's signing.  Mere seconds afterwards, his head apparently detonated, sending literal shockwaves throughout the region.

"Mr. Newman's home obviously had the strongest effects of the blast", Stevens continued, "but we had reports from as far away as Uptown Charlotte of people's windows rattling."

Newman was immediately rushed to the Mooresville Intensive Head Care Center to have the situation remedied.  Despite losing his head, he is expected to recover in time for this week's race at Atlanta.

"We admitted Mr. Newman early this afternoon", a spokesman for the Care Center said, "and we are working diligently to repair the damage.  In fact, we have a new head ready for placement, if only we could find the patient's neck."

Kasey Kahne Furious with Kasey Kahne

Bristol Motor Speedway is always the site of feuds, fights, and tempers boiling over.  After tonight's Irwin Tools Night Race, runner-up Kasey Kahne was ready to start a fight with runner-up Kasey Kahne.

"When I see Kasey I'm gonna..."

"Man, Kasey just didn't get the job done tonight", Kahne said post-race.  "I feel like, if it weren't for Kasey, I'd be in Victory Lane.  Instead, I'm stuck talking to you on pit road--no offense."

Kahne blamed Kahne for not being able to "put the chrome horn" to leader--and eventual race winner--Matt Kenseth.  He also blamed him for other issues the team has been having lately.

"Kasey was also the one who put the bullseye on our backs for Joe Gibbs Racing", Kahne added.  "I mean, how can I go out there and race when I have Kasey Kahne making threats to other drivers?  He's really got to grow up."

Kahne proceeded to blame Kahne for such diverse problems as staying up too late the night before, eating too much at lunch, and "…getting the whole La Leche League on my back".  Kahne also hinted that there may be some retribution coming soon.

"Tomorrow morning, the first thing I'm going to do is drive on over to Kasey Kahne Racing's shop over in Mooresville", Kahne said.  "I'm going to wait there on the front lawn until Kasey Kahne comes out to apologize.  I don't care WHO you are--Kasey Kahne does NOT take any abuse from Kasey Kahne."