Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Carl Edwards Chases Kids Out of Garden

Recently-retired NASCAR driver Carl Edwards has found that while retired life isn't nearly as chaotic as his time on the racing circuit, it does present stressors of its own--namely keeping neighborhood kids out of his prized flower garden. 
"I told you kids yesterday to stay out of my flowers!" Edwards was heard yelling at a small group of grade-school kids. "Do it again and I'll call your parents--I mean it this time!"
"Jeez, I mean, you work so hard on something, and then you have these kids riding their bikes across it!", an exasperated Edwards told reporters. "I mean, daffodils are so fragile, and it's not like there's any time to replant."
While the children in question weren't able to be reached for comment, it is believed that by cutting across said garden it decreases the trip home from school by up to 45 seconds. But Edwards was hearing none of it. 
"Maybe it's because they're not used to me being around this much, maybe it's because we gave out factory-second M&Ms last year for Halloween, but they're making this personal", Edwards said. "This is somehow even worse than that hawk that keeps eyeballing the bluebirds at my bird bath."

Edwards is reportedly considering investing in an upgraded privacy fence as a solution, or simply putting up old cardboard cutouts of him and Jared from Subway.