(Apologies to Matt Groening's Life in Hell)
Gentlemen, this is the enemy (no, not Doc)
Have you ever watched Nascar's worst and dimmest peel off the banking after a few laps and thought, "Hey, ANYBODY can do that!" Well, here's your chance, with The Spade Racing Start and Park Fantasy Camp! We here at Spade Racing have partnered with some of the finest field fillers that the sport has to offer to bring you a weekend of action-packed, fiscally-responsible, pride-crushing fun!
Here's what you'll need:
--Nascar license (forged CDL ok).
--Firesuit, preferably embroidered with a sponsor that no longer exists.
--Racing helmet that looks like it came from 1992.
--Check for $5,000 made out to Spade Racing Industries.
Saturday, 7am: Meet in Dover Mall overflow parking lot (between Boscov's and the old Strawbridge's).
7:30: Shuttle ride to track driven by Loy Allen Jr.
8:00: Sign-in at Nascar credential trailer
8:15: Pep-talk from Joe Ruttman: "Dealing with baleful looks from people in the Nascar credential trailer".
9:00: Walk to garage-area (good news: there won't be any autograph seekers to bother you!).
9:30: Brunch--day-old bagels and leftovers from Jeff Gordon's trailer.
10:30: Guest lecture from Joe Nemechek: "Being known for being the best of the worst".
11:30: Workshop: Brakes, Rear Gear, Too Slow--many different ways to say "I don't have any money, Brian".
1pm: Qualifying Draw.
1:15pm Workshop: Filling time during televised qualifying on Speed Channel.
4:30: Dual Lectures: "Dealing with Failure" or "Dealing with Failure Tomorrow" (your choice!).
6:00: Dinner--off-brand hot dogs and leftover from the leftovers from Jeff Gordon's trailer.
7:00: Guest lecture from Terry Labonte: "The Champion's Provisional, my dear dear friend".
8:00: Workshop: Finding the most-obscure sponsors known to man.
9:30: Guest lecture from Derrike Cope: "Parlaying last week's 41st-place finish into a night with a 41-year-old pit lizard".
10:00: Workshop: Living with yourself.
11:00: Guest lecture from Morgan Shepherd: "Saving on lodging costs."
11:30: Camp-out under the stars with Morgan Shepherd.
Sunday, 7am: Breakfast--mystery surprise.
8:00: Guest lecture from Bruton Smith, "I hate each and every one of you mooching bastards".
10:00: Drivers' Meeting (please meet at the back of the tent).
11:00: Workshop: How to turn a co-worker, your cousin, a friend of a friend and four random fans into a pit-crew.
12:30pm: Driver introductions.
12:45: Guest lecture from Reed Sorenson: "Dealing with silence".
1:00: Green flag.
1:15: Shuttle ride back to parking lot driven by Billy Standridge.
1:30: Goodbyes, exchanging of phone numbers, and distribution of "Start and Parkers do it till it vibrates" t-shirts.