Saturday, April 28, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Though we're beyond the Golden, Silver, and Bronze Ages of Die-cast Collectable Cars (I think we're in the Tin Age now), people still love to see special paint schemes. And with today's easily-removable wraps and what-not, its easier than ever to make them. If any Nascar team marketers are reading this (and I know you're not), lets get moving on the following:
1. Gumby --I was SHOCKED that nobody has ever run a car commemorating our nation's greatest claymation creation. And no, Art Cloaky's OTHER creation, Davey and Goliath, haven't been emblazoned on a car either (not that ESPN would cover it). Recommended driver: AJ Allmendinger, who might be able to pull off the "Gumby" haircut.
2. "Manos": The Hands of Fate --Best-known for being one of the worst films ever made, its being re-released later this year on Blu-Ray from an original 35mm print. The fact that I know this without looking it up shows you that A) I'm a huge Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan, and B) I don't have a lot of friends. Recommended driver: Matt Kenseth, who can do both the mustache of The Master AND his dull, monotone voice.
3. Pink Floyd --Specifically the iconic Dark Side of the Moon album cover, which combines a prismatic triangle and a rainbow of light. So, in other words, people will think whoever drivers it is gay. Recommended driver: Kurt Busch, who knows what its like to be a sulky, bitter multi-millionaire.
4. Google --Now that Ask.com has faded away, its time for Google to--wait a minute, Ask is still around? Ask, as in, Ask Jeeves? Really? Wow. Recommended driver: Whoever won't spill the beans about Google's Phase III Overload Project, Launching May 2013.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Check out my latest website--Race Shop Reviews! I recently took a trip to check out the race shops in North Carolina, and took note of the best places to go, the best bets to skip, and what to look out for that you may miss. It will be pretty much a static site without updates, but if you or anyone you know are planning a trip to Charlotte/Mooresville, definitely look it over.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
How have you been? How are things going with your energy drink? Is your off-road team doing well? OK, well, lets cut the chit-chat and talk about the real reason we're writing you.
We want you back.
That's right, we want you back in Cup. We know that your team is very underfunded. And we know that you prefer to only run a limited schedule of "fun" races. But forget all that--we need you.
The last handful of races have been dreadfully boring without you. You provide that "je ne sais quoi" we need as fans--"je ne sais quoi" meaning "late caution" in this instance.
You see, wether it was a spinout with 7 laps to go while you're three laps down, debris falling off your car as we enter a pit window, or just holding up the leader in lapped traffic, YOU were the one that made this sport exciting. Without you, its just green flag racing and boring cautions.
We've tried to find someone who could do what you do, but we've failed. Juan Pablo Montoya, bless his heart, he either does too much (hello jet dryer) or too little (hello Gatorade bottle). There's just no replacing you.
So please come back, Robby.
Friday, April 13, 2012
--Remember, this is a SATURDAY NIGHT Cup Race. I know that I've had a heck of a time rescheduling my normal Saturday Night plans of sitting around doing nothing.
--This Sunday, meanwhile, Nascar returns to Rockingham with the Truck Series. I hear that Speed will start their coverage with a shot of Brian France saying "OK, so we brought back The Rock. Ya happy now? Huh? Is ANYTHING good enough for you!?!"
--My lucky number is 19, but I don't know how lucky any number can be after its affiliated with Mike Bliss.
--Trevor Bayne's running the Cup race this weekend, but not the Nationwide race. That reminds me, did we ever find a nickname for him?
--If the Nascar Hall of Fame lets Tim Flock in this year, they had better not leave out Jocko Flocko.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Since last Sunday's debacle at Martinsville, Tommy Baldwin Racing driver David Reutimann has been putting up with quite a lot of abuse from fans. Calling his cell phone, sending angry emails, throwing concrete blocks at TBR headquarters. So its understandable that he'd want some time to be alone. Now, we at Spade Racing Theater present our interpretation of David Reutimann trying to get away from it all, but then forgetting his keys.
(SCENE: Lobby/Meeting Room/Blaney Scowl Practice Zone)
David Reutimann, Driver, TBR: OK, I'm taking a nice, long drive out into the Blue Mountains. I'm leaving my cellphone here with you so NOBODY will be able to reach me. Remember, if ANYONE comes looking for me, I'm not here.
Tom Gnohc, Director of Communications/Secretary/Security Guard, TBR: Gotcha Mr. R.--don't worry, I can handle it.
DR: (walks out, reaches into pockets) Ah, damn, forgot my keys. (knocks on locked TBR door)
TG: Who is it?
DR: Its me, Dave, open up, I forgot my keys.
DR: (knocks on door again)
TG: Who is it?
DR: Its me, Dave, man, open up I forgot my keys!
DR: Its DAVE, man--open up I think some Junior fans spotted me!
DR: (knocks on door loudly)
TG: Who is it?
DR: Its-its DAVE, man, will you open up I forgot my keys!
DR: Dave, man, open up!
DR: Yeah man, open up those Junior fans--
TG: Dave's not here!
DR: (banging on door) OPEN UP THE DOOR ITS DAVE!
DR: DAVE! D-A-V-E WILL YOU OPEN UP THE DO--
DR: YES, DAVE!
DR: Right, man, Dave, now will you open up the door?!?
TG: …Dave's not here!
DR: (hit in head by Amp Energy Can)
Monday, April 9, 2012
Some of you might think that Speed is your only source for Nascar coverage on TV--oh no! Spade Racing Network--currently available to a percentage of cable and satellite subscribers*--provides top-notch racing coverage throughout the week. And, unlike those guys at Speed, we promise you ZERO Waltrips!
*--actual percentage: 0%
Sample SPN Schedule--Monday Evening-Tuesday Afternoon
6pm NASCAR RACE SPOKE Unlike some other networks, we go for the hottest news from the REAL center of racing--Denver, Colorado! Tonight, watch for our in-depth biography on the Furniture Row Racing Assistant Marketing Director, and our candid conversation with the guy who delivers Furniture Row Racing's FedEx packages.
7pm START AND PARK ROUNDTABLE Joe Nemechek, Reed Sorenson and Michael McDowell give us insight into their race weekend.
7:05pm BARNETT-JOHNSON AUTO AUCTION Live from Phoenix, we bring you gavel-to-gavel coverage of the selling of some classic Nascar vehicles. Tonight: Lake Speed's 1987 Wynn's Oldsmobile, driven at Dover and Bristol (twice), and Felix Sabates' Coors Light Hauler from 1995.
8pm I'M BOARD Reporter/Anchor Scott Wilson reads the best of the best posts from the internet message boards. Only HERE can you hear someone say "Are Danika's b00bs real?" out loud.
9pm HOT AIR VIADUCT WITH MIKE MACKLER Network Owner/Janitor Mike Mackler answers call-in questions, usually relating them to how everything in his life went wrong after he wasn't allowed to take Spanish in High School.
10pm BRIAN FRANCE PRESENTS THE BEST OF NASCAR'S TOURING SERIES Nascar's Chairman guides you through the weekend's action that you may have missed. Tonight, in the spotlight: The Sinclair Northeastern Southwestern Series.
11pm A HARD LOOK WITH MIKE MACKLER Our intrepid Network Owner/Caterer interviews the leader of Women for Breastfeeding on the Kasey Kahne controversy and desperately tries to avoid "making it weird".
11:30pm 30 MINUTES WITH SCOTT WILSON Ace reporter Scott Wilson asks the tough questions, like, "Brian Scott, what's his deal?" and, "No, really, what's Brian Scott's deal?" Tonight's guest: Brian Scott.
Midnight MIKE HELTON AFTER DARK Nascar's CEO lets his hair (and mustache down) by hosting this free-flowing talk show. Tonight's guests: Emo band SadSadSad challenges Helton to a "Frown-Off"
1am GOODY'S 500 INSTANT REACTION (Replay) Sure we can't get the rights to most races. But we CAN show you how the REAL fans react to the on-track action! This is the only place to hear what's on the fans' minds, like, "What happened, I fell asleep".
5am GAIN WEIGHT NOW! ASK ME HOW! (Paid Programming) Hosted by Jimmy Spencer.
5:30am COLUMBIAN BUTT LIFT! (Paid Programming) Hosted by Juan Pablo Montoya.
6am EVADING HARASSMENT CHARGES THE JPM WAY! (Paid Programming) Hosted by Juan Pablo Montoya.
6:30am SERVE YOUR COMMUNITY SERVICE FAST! (Paid Programming) Hosted by Juan Pablo Montoya.
7am SPORTSCENTER REPLAY Looped coverage of the 90-second video package of Marty Smith reporting on Jimmie Johnson's mindset going into Texas.
8am SCOTT WILSON ON ASSIGNMENT Our investigative reporter provides a detailed look at Dave Despain's recent trip to Martinsville for Dave Despain On Assignment.
9am TRUCK SERIES CLASSICS That one race from, like, 1996 where it looked like Mike Skinner wasn't gonna win but then he did.
11am LUKAS GOIL OFF THE EDGE A realistic look at drivers living the wild life. Today: Mark Martin forgets to take his vitamins but doesn't go back to the house, and Travis Kvapil goes by 10 gas stations with his car on "E".
11:30am NBS 24/7, A LOOK BACK I still can't believe that Tim Fedewa, Casey Atwood, AND David Stremme were all available!
Noon MACK OF SPADES PRESENTS THE MID-DAY BOOTLEG MOVIE Today's feature presentation: Nights of Lightning. Hot shot Nashcar driver Colt Triple and crew chief Harold Hague try to outrun rivals Roady Berms and Rush Willard.
2pm THE 11 We go a step further than the Speed boys with OUR Top 10--er, 11, Lists. Today: Top 11 Sauters.
2:30pm THE 11 We go a step further than the Speed boys with OUR Top 10--er, 11, Lists. Today: Top 11 Goodys Dash Series Drivers to Never Win a Championship.
3pm GO GO HIDEO HAPPY FAST GO (American Television Premiere, with subtitles) Can intrepid pioneer Hideo Fukoyama succeed in the crazy world of Nascar? (Spoiler Alert: No).
5pm NASCAR 34TH PLACE LANE (Replay) Intrepid reporter Scott Wilson again tries to get this week's 34th-place finisher to do an in-depth interview.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
The story begins near where most stories end
In a big crumbling mansion up over the bend
Where a man called the Once-George, he sits in a chair
Alone, by himself, with nobody, nowhere
If you go to his mansion on just the right day
He'll tell you how open-wheel wound up this way
The sport, it was wondrous, fun-filled and fast
You could make lots of money even if you were last
With names like Andretti, Mears, Foyt, and Andretti
And they well overshadowed Gant, Earnhardt and Petty
A family business, this track, in Indy, the crown jewel
It fell to the hands of the Once-George, the fool
The Once-George had changes, he said on defense,
"If you'll listen my changes, they all make much sense!
More ovals, more drivers from the US of A
A new cheaper car that won't cost much to pay"
And while all that he said it did make sense, indeed
Everyone knew the real reason was greed
So he remade the schedule, he remade the car
He remade the series, he went way too far
There was no one to stop him, its like he was blind
The team owners felt like he'd kicked their behind
A split then occurred, all the stars on one side
On the other, the Once-George, with track and a ride
A war soon began, oh boy it was rough
For fans, to pick the right side it was tough
The tradition was there, but was it real Indy,
With drivers named Calkins, Lazier, Giaffone?
And the stars of the future, still stuck in the blocks?
They headed down south, to run in the stocks
But the Once-George was winning 'gainst the people he hated
He watched as the big time team-owners migrated
The other big series it started to fail
They hung in for awhile, until finally, BAIL
The Once-George came in and bought up what remained
And NOW it was time to go reap what he'd gained!
…but there was nothing gained, no--everyone lost
The original reasons for splitting were tossed
It was much as before, 'cept the fans were all gone
There weren't many sponsors, alas and anon
Till finally the Once-George's family shouted
"You've ruined us!", and then they voted him outed
Now the Once-George is a shadow, and simply aghast
Because, "…why didn't someone speak up in the past?
There should have been someone, something or another
To speak for the fans to myself or my mother
I would have listened!" is what Once-George says
But the truth is that greed clogged his ears up those days
And the truth is the creature who spoke for the fans
Was listening closely and filled up his stands
Sure people may mock him and call him a tool
But he'll never, no NEVER be a Once-George-type fool
The creature who speaks for the fans is still here
And the Lor-France don't care if you boo or you cheer
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
As Nascar and Hollywood both move into their "Lets just get this over with" portions of their schedules, lets see what racing-themed films are coming soon to a theater near you:
Mirror Mirror--Hendrick Motorsports puts a second mirror in Kasey Kahne's car, so he can look at himself looking at himself while driving.
Goon--The Boris Said Story.
Bully--In this documentary, various drivers all try to answer the same exact question, "No, really, why CAN'T we punch Jimmy Spencer in the face?"
The Island President--Team Owner Robby Gordon fires Driver Robby Gordon after Sponsor Rep Robby Gordon is caught having an affair with Secretary Robby Gordon.
American Reunion--All the American drivers who have competed in Formula 1 the past twenty years join together to beat the hell out of Michael Andretti.
The Hunter--Can Trevor Bayne hunt down a new sponsor?
ATM--Can Jack Roush keep inventing sponsors for Trevor Bayne to "hunt down"?
The Cabin in the Woods--Intrepid reporters try to find the spot where ESPN had tied up John Kernan.
Lockout--The NBA tries to gain back all zero fans that it lost to Nascar.
The Lucky One--Derrike Cope struggles with life after his Daytona 500 win, armed with nothing more than his dashing good looks.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
After a wild Green-White-Checkered finish at Martinsville, nobody was happier than Tony Stewart for his teammate Ryan Newman. Newman came out of the carnage with an impressive win, which "Smoke" was happy to see as a top-10.
"Woooo! Top-10! Top-10 for the 39 baby!" Stewart was heard yelling over his radio. "Goin' to Outback tomorrow--FREE BLOOMIN' ONION WOOOO!!!"
Upon the finish of the race Stewart went to Victory Lane to congratulate Newman on his impressive top-10.
"These guys, I mean, wow, what can you say?" A jubilant Stewart said to Spade Racing Network reporter Scott Wilson. "I mean, we've been really hungry for a top-10 for the 39 guys. I mean, REALLY hungry. I mean, I don't know if we can wait till tomorrow hungry!"
Stewart happily patted Newman on the back and immediately asked what kind of entree he should order.
"I usually go for the Outback Special steak, but I'm thinking I might go for the pasta tomorrow", Stewart continued. "OOOH! Or maybe some Kookaburra Wings and a beer--I wonder if they'll let me bring in my Schlitz this time."
Stewart quickly left the racetrack, saying on his way out that he was going to camp out outside the nearest Outback until lunch tomorrow.
In other Stewart-Haas Racing news, David Reutimann kept his crippled car out too late to maintain their spot in the top-35, thus earning race fans a free chance to blame Danica Patrick for what happened.