Saturday, August 18, 2018

Kasey Kahne: Milking a Career for All Its Worth

Kasey Khane is the latest Nascar Cup driver to announce an imminent end to his full-time racing career.  By looking back at his highlights, its easy to see he’s a true legend, dairy say one of the all-time greats.

2003—Kasey Kahne defects from Ford to Dodge, joining Evernham Motorsports in the Cup Series.  Estimates of how much money Kasey had to pay Ford vary, with anywhere from 1-2% of his whole net worth going to the blue oval.
Never forget... (...that Kasey made millions
doing something he loves, and I'm some
schmuck from Delaware)

2005—After several close calls, Kahne finally squeezes out a win at Richmond.

2006—Kahne establishes himself as one of the breast drivers in Nascar with six Cup Series wins.

2008—Kasey picks up Budweiser as a sponsor.  This is as good a time as any to remind any pregnant or nursing mothers to stay away from alcoholic beverages.

2011—Kahne posts an udderly surprising win at Phoenix for the soon-to-close-down Red Bull Racing Team.

2012—After having moved to Hendrick Motorsports, Kahne posts his third win in the Mother of all races, nursing his car through 600 grueling miles.

2016—Kahne fails to lead a single lap, much less win a race, in a season he’d most-likely choose to skim over.

2017—Kasey scores a massive upset win at the Brickyard 400, something something winner of the 500 drinks milk something something.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Nascar Pick Challenge: Uncle Max vs. Mystery Picker—Bristol

Wow, I’ve been busy lately—and not just in the world of sports gambling!  Work’s been nuts ever since our location got a new district manager.  I’ve been working overtime (well, not actual overtime, just extra time since I’m an assistant manager) to get the store into perfect shape.  It doesn’t bother me too much since believe it or not, we’re about to transform the store for the holidays in a few weeks.  Better to get the work out of the way early, I say!  Beyond that I’m gearing up for a combination BBQ and fantasy football draft next week—combine those with work and its a busy time to be Uncle Max!

Truck Series UNOH 200 (3 wins)—Stewart Friesen: He finally breaks through with his Eh game

Xfinity Series Food City 300 (4 wins)—Christopher Bell: Continuing to stake his claim for a Cup ride in 2019

Cup Series Bass Pro Shops 500—MYSTERY PICKER (4 wins) PICKS Kyle Larson.  Favorite (4 wins): Kyle Busch—just too hard to pick against him at Bristol.  Next Favorite (4 wins): Martin Truex Jr.—retribution.  Dark Horse: Erik Jones—spinning out HERE can be a good thing.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018


Click to enlarge

That’s right—the 1996-1997 Kyle Petty Nascar Busch Series nWo car!  Hogan.  Nash.  Hall.  Petty.  (still made more sense than Brutus Beefcake).

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Nascar SummerSlam: The Big Three’s Triple Threat

2018 in Nascar has been all about The Big Three—Kevin Harvick, Kyle Busch, and Martin Truex Jr.  With SummerSlam just around the corner there’ll be a triple-threat match for the Nascar Championship—here’s how they stack up:

Kevin Harvick: 1
Kyle Busch: 1 (well, sorta)
Martin Truex Jr.: 1 “…with so much adversity”
Expect a run-in from the authority
figure--well, a drive through a wall...

Kevin Harvick: Happy, The Closer, Bakersfield Basher, Power Plugs
Kyle Busch: Rowdy, Wild Thing, Shrub, Candyman, Win or Whine
Martin Truex Jr.: King of the Cookie Cutters, Bass Gas or Grass, CLAMMMMMM

Kevin Harvick: Bakersfield California
Kyle Busch: Las Vegas
Martin Truex Jr.: Dover, Pocono, Watkins Glen, New Hampshire, etc. etc. etc.

Kevin Harvick: The Smoke Show (“when you run with us, it HAAS to be a win”)
Kyle Busch: The Hogs 2.0 (“we’re not big, we’re not intimidating, we’re not likable”)
Martin Truex Jr.: The Lone Wolf (“there used to be two of us”)

Kevin Harvick: Buschhhhhh Push (shove into the back with theatrics)
Kyle Busch: Battery-ing Ram (bloody headbutt)
Martin Truex Jr.: Energy Shortage (sleeper hold)

Kevin Harvick: Aric Almirola (he has to do SOMETHING this year)
Kyle Busch: Red M&M
Martin Truex Jr: some guy from Point Pleasant (no, not DDP)

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Nascar Pick Challenge: Uncle Max vs. Mystery Picker—Michigan/Mid-Ohio

I have myself a new lease for my townhouse!  That’s right, no moving for me—I’m re-upped for another twelve months.  The negotiations went surprisingly smooth—not that there weren’t a few tense moments, though.  The leasing agent was pretty tough, but I got a few concessions that I needed.  Sure, my rent’s going up a bit, but whose isn’t in this economy?  And when you factor in the costs of moving, change of address hassles, and more fuel I’d be wasting by driving further to work, it just makes more sense to spend a little more to stay where I’m at.  Now back to the REAL tough stuff—Fantasy Football Draft is on the horizon!!!

Truck Series Corrigan Oil 200 (3 wins)—Matt Crafton: Too hard NOT to pick him with no Cup guys running

Xfinity Series Rock n Roll Tequila 170 (3 wins)—Justin Allgaier: No more gambling after last week’s Xfinity debacle

Cup Series Consumers Energy 400—MYSTERY PICKER (4 wins) PICKS Denny Hamlin.  Favorite (4 wins): Kyle Busch—unlike Mystery, I have the RIGHT member of JGR.  Next Favorite (3 wins): Kevin Harvick—Happy wins in a fuel mileage thriller.  Dark Horse: William Byron—back-to-back first-time winners.

Monday, August 6, 2018

Nascar Spokesperson Keeps Changing Subject to Chase Elliott’s Win

The Nascar world has been rocked by last night’s arrest of chairman Brian France for DUI and possession—however, in a press conference earlier today, Nascar spokesperson Katie Kelley tried to steer the conversation back to Chase Elliott’s first-ever Cup Series win on Sunday at Watkins Glen.
“Now I know why you’re all here—to talk about Chase Elliott’s first win”, Kelley told the assembled media, drawing chuckles.  “But seriously, we need to discuss an even bigger issue than a second-generation driver’s first-ever win—the fact that his father, Bill Elliott, will be returning to national series competition in a few short weeks!”
Media members repeatedly asked Kelley for information on France’s current legal situation, only for her to constantly shift the tone back to Elliott’s admittedly popular win on Sunday.
“Yes, so you want to know how this affects the sport?”, Kelley replied to a reporter asking if France’s arrest would lead to sweeping changes in the sport’s leadership.  “Well, all I can say is that when someone like Chase Elliott wins, its going to really electrify the fanbase.  We all heard the cheers on Sunday after the checkered flag fell—we think the sport will be more popular than it has been in years.”
Another reporter asked about the hypocrisy of France’s hard-line stance against Jeremy Mayfield for refusing to participate in the “Road to Recovery” program, leading to this response:
“Yes, Jeremy Mayfield, who used to race as a teammate to Bill Elliott.  Remember when Bill came back to sub in for Jeremy at Watkins Glen?  The very place where his son went to victory lane on Sunday?  Crazy, isn’t it?”
The dodging of the issue continued throughout the press conference, eliciting audibly frustrated sighs from the assembled media members.  Kelley then decided to wrap up the session far ahead of usual schedule.

“Look, I know we all want more information on Chase Elliott, but its time to finish up.  You can get far more information on, which is filled with stories on the biggest headline in recent memory—Chase wins at The Glen!”

Sunday, August 5, 2018

BREAKING NEWS: Bubba Wallace Announces He's Pregnant

Nascar driver Darrell “Bubba” Wallace Jr. was involved in a frightening crash last weekend at Pocono Raceway, one that he survived with nary a broken bone.  Afterwards he quipped that an ultrasound determined that he “wasn’t pregnant with twins”—an announcement that he confirmed, today, was a bit premature.
“Well, this is a tough thing to announce to the world, but last week when I said I wasn’t pregnant?  Well, I spoke too soon”, Wallace told the assembled media in the Watkins Glen media center.  “Further tests confirmed that I am, in fact, pregnant for the first time.”
Wallace, flanked by both his girlfriend and his team owner Richard Petty, appeared emotional throughout the press conference, but was practical when discussing the breakdown in communication that led to last week’s original denial.
"If I paint the baby's room green, then
I'll be ok if its a boy or a girl..."
“When they did the ultrasound, they told me I wasn’t pregnant with twins”, Wallace said.  “Well, technically they were correct—I wasn’t pregnant with twins, just with one child.  With that being said, finding out you’re about to have another human being growing inside of you is NOT the best time to be told a joke.”
The forthcoming bundle of joy may cause a change of plans for the RPM race team near the end of the season, although Bubba’s due date is deep into the off-season.
“Listen—this pregnancy deal, its nothing we haven’t dealt with before”, team owner Richard Petty said.  “If Bubba’s gotta take time off, we’ll look at that substitute driver deal then.  Besides, we might be able to pick up some sponsorship from a diaper company.”
Wallace said he has already begun eating better, researching parenting techniques, and shopping for paternity clothes.
“This is going to be a big change in lifestyle for my girlfriend and I, but we’re ready for it”, Wallace said.  “There is only 1 driver pregnant with child at the top level of our sport..I am the 1.  You’re not gonna stop hearing about ‘the pregnant driver’ for years.  Embrace it, accept it, and enjoy the journey..”

When reached for comment, Aric Almirola said he couldn’t believe that RPM would let a pregnant driver race.