Saturday, December 26, 2015

Tim Flock Wins Championship; Jocko Flocko Storms Victory Lane

A controversial scene erupted in victory lane after today’s NASCAR stock car race at Orange Speedway, with season’s champion Tim Flock winning, then being attacked by former co-driver and longtime former business partner Jocko Flocko, a rhesus monkey.
File Photo
“What th—get this damned thing off of me!”, Flock was heard screaming as the primate scratched and clawed at his face.  “You’re the one who screwed up in ’53, go back to the past where you belong, you chimp!”
Flocko, who competed in a handful of races in 1953 with Flock, was let go by the team after costing the human Flock a win at Raleigh.  Since then, rumors have swirled about Flocko’s fragile mental state, as well as possible moneys owed to him by Flock, Flock’s team, and a number of suppliers.
“We had a deal, dummy!”, Flock yelled while getting himself into a boxing stance, squaring-off with the monkey.  “You signed the contract, you agreed to be paid in bananas, you took that position at the zoo and that was a violation of the legacy clause.  You have NO RIGHT to the team, NO RIGHT to the car, and NO RIGHT to be throwing rocks at our garage every night!  MOVE ON!”
Flocko was unavailable for comment, as he is a monkey, and unable to speak.  However, he has retained a Charlotte-area attorney to speak on his behalf.
“My client is not asking for anything more than what he is entitled to, by contract and by moral obligation”, the lawyer stated later that day.  “As a co-driver, he was due 50% of the driver’s winnings, but 25% of the owner’s winnings, which were deferred into an escrow account which would allow him to buy into the team itself in the future.  Mr. Flocko has much of his assets tied up this way, and without either releasing them—or allowing him to sell his interest—he is close to destitute.  He has already mortgaged his cage at the zoo, and is worried he might be on the street if no resolution is found.  Mr. Flock refused to answer our repeated telegrams and letters, so we had no choice but to reach him here at the track.”

The zoo was also unavailable for comment.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Your Guide to the Many Stock Car Racing Organizations of This Great Nation

Ahoy, fellow racing fans!  Now that we’ve finally licked those Nazis and Japs, we’re all geared-up for a much-more fun battle—on the race track!  Yessir, everybody from Dallas to Daytona is ready and rarin’ to go racin’ in their stock cars—so much so that the men in the suits have all started their own racing series!  How can anyone keep track of such goings-on?  With this handy-dandy guide, that’s how!

(Legend: Name, Acronym, Founder—Fun Fact)

Stock Type Auto Racing Series (STARS), “Bullet” Bill Owen—Three classes are available: Strictly Stock, Really Strictly Stock, and Seriously Guys Really Strictly Stock.

Handley Engines Presents Championship Auto Team Series, HEPCATS), Jim Lee Handley—One-beatnik-per-car rule to be strictly enforced.

Southern States Super Stock Series (SSSSS), Steve “Speed” Sherman—Special Super Speedway Surprise!

National Stock Car Racing Association (NSCRA), O. Bruton Smith—Even if it fails, Bruton’s a level-headed-enough man to avoid a petty war of words and lawsuits in the future.


National Championship Stock Car Circuit (NCSSC), “Bill” Big France—Little to no chance of succeeding—and when they fail, good luck on anybody letting this guy run a major racing series!

Friday, December 11, 2015

Rumored National Stock Car Series Would be Boon to Local Racers; White Guys

With prohibition over—and the need for so-called ‘moonshine runners’ having dropped—those fellows with their souped-up sedans are cooking up a scheme to run a new racing “series” throughout the south.  Such a national racing series for stock cars would be a huge benefit for the many local racers and the many local race fans, all of whom are white guys.
“It’s been nigh eight years since the War Against Northern Aggression, and we’ve been fixin’ to have something big happen ‘round here”, said local sports writer and racing/white-guy expert Allie “Cat” Perkins.  “With a major stock car series running all around the south, it would no doubt put plenty of deserving white guys to work, and give plenty of white guys something to watch and follow.”
Perkins continued that such a racing series would also help to heal the wounds many white guys still nurse from the war.
“The South was emasculated after the war—it seems that yankees don’t like it when you try to leave their country—and we’ve been down ever since”, Perkins explained.  “We don’t have major-league-caliber baseball, and our college football teams never get any national recognition.  Heck, our All-White Southern Boxing Champions can’t even get a date at Madison Square Garden.  We’ve needed something like this to cheer our white fellows up for too long!”
Perkins admitted that there are many obstacles to seeing the plan come to fruition, despite the best-laid plans of the many drivers, promoters, and all-around white guys.
“Well, you’d need a great number of drivers, for one, and you’d also need quite a few men to police the drivers, making sure they ain’t cheatin’”, Perkins said.  “Besides that, you’d also need a real strong leader, and the money behind him to make things really happen.  But if there’s one thing we have here in the American South, it’s white guys willing to make it happen—we’re willing to do the work to make our dreams a reality.

“Hey, do you think we could get some colored boys to build the grandstands?”

Friday, December 4, 2015

Organized Race of Top Moonshine Runners Doesn’t Happen Yesterday

All of the south was not abuzz as some of the most-successful moonshine runners you’d ever have the pleasure to not see didn’t have one of the first organized races in the history of bootlegging—which isn’t real.
“Them dang cars was tearing it up out there, well, they woulda been if they’d-a really been there, that is”, said non-witness Clete Weaver.  “Ah mean just to see fellers coming down from all round the country, just to see who was fastest in their hot rod, it’ud really have been something—but it wasn’t.”
Moonshine runners have long impressed those around the southern US with their amazing abilities to haul illegal alcohol to cities for illegal distribution, though they have never actually done any of that, leaving such activities as a completely fictitious exercise.
“M’yeah, there were some pretty fast hillbillies out there, but it didn’t happen, see?”, said Chicago-based waste management tycoon Dave “Big Gun” Altobeli, who was not in the area scouting possible getaway drivers for his completely legal business activities.  “I’m visiting some family down south, see, and it’s totally square, on the up-and-up, you can see, see?”
Cars of all sorts of makes and models were not brought to the out-of-the-way dirt track to race each other for little more than a small prize purse and pride, and as such those drivers were unable to celebrate afterwards with a hearty swig of the alcohol of their choice.

“We ain’t seen this much excitement around here since the boys got back from the war”, said track proprietor and race non-promoter Buck Johnson.  “Yep, starin’ at a race track, watchin’ those boys tear it up out there, really somethin’—the kind of thing you could probably build a sport around, even.  Too bad it was all imaginary.”