In what could turn out to be one of the most-expensive slept-through alarm clocks in history, Dover Motorsports has announced that they have terminated the contract of track mascot Miles the Monster, effective immediately.
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"We know that fans have come to expect a certain level of excitement at Dover, and today Miles did not provide it", said track spokeswoman Meg Clayton. "When we found out that Miles had slept through his alarm clock, we decided to enforce our zero-tolerance policy and released him from our payroll immediately."
Named for the track's "Monster Mile" nickname, Miles was notorious through the years for tearing up equipment on the high-banked oval. However, Miles was not seen at all during today's race, resulting in an absence of spins, wrecks, or bump-and-runs on the track.
"I know I was surprised to not see anyone spinning out", said exhausted race winner Jimmie Johnson in Victory Lane. "Usually we have a few spinners, or a big bottleneck around turn two, but today? Nothing. I guess we all miss Todd Bodine more than we ever realized."
Miles, to his credit, attempted to make it to the track, but due to traffic on Route 13 was unable to enter the facility until just after the checkered flag. As a result, the most mayhem he inflicted all day was on the winning 48 car during its celebratory burnout.
"ME NOT PROUD, ME MAKE MISTAKE", Miles said to assembled reporters at a nearby satellite parking lot. "ME WORK TO GET BACK IN TRACK'S GOOD GRACES. ME PUT STAND AROUND DO-NOTHING SKILLS TO WORK AS PARKING ATTENDANT."