Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Vince Russo to Book Second New Hampshire Cup Race


Responding to widespread complaints (well, more widespread than usual) that the recent New Hampshire 301 was one of the dullest Nascar races in recent memory, Nascar Chairman Brian France has hired legendary pro wrestling booker Vince Russo to “shake things up” when the series returns to the circuit for the Chase for the Cup.
“Bro, we are gonna change Nascar as we know it”, Russo said at the press conference.  “The fans won’t know what hit ‘em, the drivers won’t know what hit ‘em, and those internet smart marks who think they know what’s going on?  They’re gonna love me, bro.”
Amongst the changes Russo is expected to implement:
—Shortening the race to 30 laps long, preceded by a two-hour long string of “vignettes” featuring drivers talking to each other using insider terms such as “tight”, “loose”, and “how does Brian Scott still have a ride?”.
—Asking NBC to re-introduce analyst Dale Jarrett as “That’s D-A-single-L, E-J-A-double, ah you know the rest”
—Replacing qualifying with a 10-minute scramble to reach the #1 starting spot, which will be placed high atop an American flag—The Pole on a Pole Match.
—Frequently showing series director David Hoots behind a desk, with only his hand and arm visible to the viewer.
—Running cars with six tires.

Russo is expected to be hired and fired at least a dozen times before the race itself, as per usual, and may scrap the plan at the last minute in “The Ultimate Swerve”.