Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Smart-alek in a Candy Store

Any chance to bring up the worst-named candy bar of all time is a good chance

Halloween is fast-approaching, which means two things:  1.) ESPN is officially switching over to ESPNBA, and 2.) lots of candy for the kids.  Here's a handy Nascar conversion chart:

King-Size Reese's Peanut Butter Cups: Joey Logano--because huge name-brand candy is about as rare as a driver actually dominating in the regular season AND the Chase.

Big "mystery bag": Kevin Harvick--could be a bunch of fun-size Snickers, could be expired jelly beans, could be those plastic spider-ring things nobody wants--just as much variety as a 2014 Kevin Harvick race.

Sugar Daddy: Brad Keselowski--tastes great, one less filling once you bite into it.  And now, I don't mean "Sugar Daddy" like in a relationship, since that would OBVIOUSLY be Ray Evernham.

No one has ever eaten one of these
things a second time
Unknown brand of chocolate: Ryan Newman--no one knows how it got there, no one knows why it's still there, and no one knows what will happen once it's unwrapped.

Butterfinger Christmas Tree: Dale Jr.--you know you want it, even though it's at a bit of an inopportune time.
Toothpaste, religious literature, or anything that ISN'T candy: Josh Wise--specifically Josh Wise in a non-Dogecoin car.

That giant orange marshmallow peanut: Clint Bowyer--just as stale as his career.

Candy corn: BK Racing Drivers--below-average quality and likely received for free.

Unwrapped Twix: Milka Duno--so enticing, but beware: You may get wrecked.

Candy/Caramel Apple: Matt Kenseth--something sweet (JGR power) around something dull (Kenseth).