Tuesday, September 9, 2014

United Nascar: The Chase Nations

via Nascar.com's horribly-designed website

Nascar--and, by extension, ESPN--has been putting some serious promotional muscle behind this year's lately permutation of The Chase.  This has inexplicably included frequent references to "The Nations" of fans.  Besides Junior Nation, the rest of these "nations" are pretty well unknown.  Here's a thumbnail sketch of the 16 sovereign countries participating in Nascar's latest crapshoot.
Flag of United Nascar

National Captain: Roger Penske
Major Exports: Canned water, rental box trucks, used Dodge Challengers, slightly-irritating intellectualism
Fun Fact: 20% of it's GDP goes to supporting its colony, Briankeselowskia

President: John Bickford
Major Exports: Paint-related chemicals, wine, monetary penalties for loss in Battle of the Brooke
Fun Fact: Rated tops in the world for elder-care

Junior Nation
Council of Advisors: Martin Truex Jr., Josh Wise, Regan Smith, Steve Park (amongst others)
Major Exports: Hats, t-shirts, diecast cars, keychains, beards
Fun Fact: Nation plans to demilitarize for 2015
Nation unrecognized by the UN

Royal Dominion of Johnsonia
Sultan: Fitness Celebrity John Basedow
Major Exports: Championships, reasonably-priced tools, confetti
Fun Fact: The Dominion was recently struck by a serious, unforeseen water shortage

Tribal Chief: His Imperial Holiness High Chief Penn Zoil
Major Exports: Oil, military support for minor skirmishes, soda
Fun Fact: Despite its status as a young nation, the tribe has been involved in numerous battles

Har Vickpublic
President: Delena Harvick
Major Exports: Clydesdales, sub sandwiches, plugs
Fun Fact: Almost all of the country's population lives in the so-called "Happy Valley"

Commander-General: Jack Roush (interim)
Major Exports: Protein powder, various industrial screws, Jay Glazer
Fun Fact: The national mascot/mammal is Flipper

Official currency of Rowdyland
Commissar: Cornelius Pumperdinkle
Major Exports: Tantrums, sugar, silicone
Fun Fact: Rowdyland has been subjected to numerous sanctions for its abuse of lower-level countries

Premier: Michael Jordan
Major Exports: Packages, injuries, Spinal Tap albums
Fun Fact: This nation has only recently established democratic relations with Edwardzonia

Kuurtt's Official national bird
Dear Leader: Gene Haas
Major Exports: CNC machines, screaming, more screaming
Fun Fact: Nothing is ever fun in Kuurtt

United Kahnedom
Elder Shaman: Prof. Nathaniel Burke
Major Exports: Farming implements, barber hair, dairy products
Fun Fact: Named Most Underachieving Nation 8 years in a row

New Aric
King: Richard Petty
Major Exports: Pork products, leftover John Andretti merchandise, dull interviews
Fun Fact: This country is still recovering from the brutal invasion staged by Hamlinistan

People's Republic of Allmendinger
Secretary-General: Brad Daugherty
Kensethian view of the world
Major Exports: Baked beans, bleach, pharmaceuticals
Fun Fact: National motto: "All are equal, except in height"

Grand High Cheesehead: UNKNOWN
Major Exports: UNKNOWN
Fun Fact: Known as "The Slightly-Funny Hermit Kingdom"

South Biffleca
Generalissimo: John Henry
Major Exports: Chemicals, tough girlfriends/wives, eyeballs
Fun Fact: Most-powerful remaining member of the deteriorating RoushFenway Guild

Newman Island
Great Exalted Ruler: Austin Dillon (appointed by High Regent Richard Childress)
Major Exports: Cats, bulldozers, loans
Fun Fact: It is considered impolite to allow people to pass in this country