Sunday, May 29, 2016

BREAKING NEWS: Kyle Larson is a Dirt Racer


A recent investigation compiled by the Nascar on Fox crew has unearthed an earth-shaking fact that virtually no fans were aware of—that Kyle Larson, driver of the 42 Target Chevy, is a dirt racer.
Photographic Evidence
“That Kyle Larson, he’s a dirt racer!”, color commentator and former driver Darrell Waltrip said recently during a practice session broadcast.  “He’s gonna take that car on the high side as far as you can go, that’s what all those dirt racers do!”
News of the revelation has sent shockwaves throughout the racing world, with reactions ranging from surprise to shock to confusion.
“Wait—Kyle Larson is a dirt racer?”, said one fan in an online message board, “Well, why is this the first I’m hearing about it?  I mean, that WOULD explain why he always runs the highest line on the track, just inches from the wall.  I remember hearing somewhere that all the dirt track racers do that.”
“I KNEW IT!”, replied at least one race fan in the stands for the Coke 600.  “The way he runs with the car so loose in the turns, I could never figure out why, but then someone just told me, he’s a dirt racer!  I’m glad we have expert commentators like Darrell Waltrip on the job to unearth such ground-breaking information, and to then explain how it transfers into on-track performance.  Now if only someone would explain the difference between ‘loose’ and ‘tight’ for me.”
Larson could not be reached for comment, but his dirt-track racing exploits have been corroborated by multiple sources.  Also, while not yet confirmed, Larson is also said to be “so close to a win”, and “really showing what he can do out there”, and rumors have him possibly being “the future of our sport.”
Waltrip, who unearthed the shocking news, has said that delivering such original, surprising information to the public is just part of his job.
“Oh, I’m just saying what I’d want to hear if I was at home listening to a race”, Waltrip told us during a break in the action.  “I mean, you so rarely hear about Danica (Patrick) having a good run (in 15th) or the (Joe) Gibbs (Racing) guys dominating the race.  And don’t get me started about how exciting a Nascar race is—nobody else tells you about that!”

Upon returning to the on-air broadcast, Waltrip continued his hard-hitting investigations, opining that Larson is likely to better-know how to handle a racecar that’s a ‘scoche loose’ with his dirt-track racing experience, after which Jeff Gordon half-heartedly laughed, provided information on another car’s unique set-up for the race, then was interrupted by Waltrip pointing out a car with a number he used to drive.