Friday, February 10, 2017

Spade Racing’s 2017 Truck Series Preview and Loot Crate Programs


Y’know, I gotta hand it to purveyors of pop culture—just when you think they can’t merchandise their properties any more, BOOM—something new: Loot Crates!  That’s right, all the fun of buying crap you don’t need, with the added bonus of not knowing what the hell you’re gonna get!  Well, allow me to get into the business with Nascar before anybody else does with the Camping World Truck Series Preview Loot Crate Programs:

ELITE CHAMPION CRATE—These drivers have a legitimate shot at winning the 2017 Truck Series championship:
88 Matt Crafton Menards 1/24th diecast car collection—Hey, remember diecast?  And remember when people actually CARED about diecast?  Well, you can get all 22 different Menards paint schemes for Matt Crafton in this one-of-a-kind collector case (WARNING: collector case locked with Seal-Best)

17 Timothy Peters race sponsorship—Timothy Peters—he wins, he contends, but he never seems to have a sponsor.  That’s where YOU come in!  Just have your ad copy in by April 1st and YOU can be on the hood and quarter-panels of a championship-contending truck!  Promote your small business!  Say “hi” to your college buddies!  Perfect for birthdays, bat mitzvahs and interventions.

2.5% of the nation's Sauter supply
21 Johnny Sauter SpareSauter—We’ve all been there before—you show up to a basketball game a man short, you need a second set of hands to help move that computer table, you need someone to “take care of” the wife while you’re doing a fantasy draft.  Well, that’s where SpareSauter comes in!  By using one of the hundreds of spare Sauter male family members available, you can always have an extra guy nearby.  Lives on beer and cheddar cheese and will sit and actually watch races with you (well, as long as Kevin Harvick isn’t on screen).

4 Christopher Bell Futures Bond—We all like to pick a driver from one of the lower series to follow, but wouldn’t it be better if you had a financial interest in one?  Well, now you can, by buying a Futures Bond in the career of Christopher Bell!  Cash in for 0.001% of his career earnings in ten years, OR use it to mock him endlessly if he winds up the next Stephen Leicht.

CONTENDER SERIES CRATE—These drivers can contend for wins, and have an outside shot at the championship:
19 Austin Cindric The Power of Penske motivational DVDs—Have you wondered what the secrets are to becoming one of the most powerful businessmen in the automotive and racing industries?  Well, here’s your chance to learn them.  On this ten-DVD set you’ll learn all about how a mild-mannered racer named Roger Penske parlayed a small amount of savings and thousands of hours of hard work into a thriving car sales and racing concern.  Anybody can do it as long as you’re willing to sacrifice decades of your life, and here’s how!

"With Cole gone the series is MINE!"
8 John Hunter Nemechek Middle Name Kit—Ever wanted to look, act, and just plain sound cooler?  Well the secret isn’t cooler clothes, a sexy accent, or even money.  Nope—it’s having a cool middle name!  John Hunter Nemechek used it to become the next big thing in Nascar, just like Juan Pablo Montoya did!

29 Chase Briscoe Brad Keselowski phone conversation—You too can get a phone call from a Nascar Cup Series champion at your home or office!  Just budget three to four hours of your time and be prepared to talk about the nature of success, whether free will does, in fact, exist, and if self-actualization can ever be truly be reached.

THORSPORT BEYOND CRATE—Three drivers who could win a race and remind you that there's more than just Matt Crafton on the team:
13 Cody Coughlin JEGS "showoff" catalog—Do you like to pretend that you know about cars?  Sure--we all do!  With this non-date-specific JEGS catalog in your house/apartment/youth-hostel, you'll have people thinking you're a real geared, when you actually barely know how to check the oil!


27 Ben Rhodes free HVAC estimate—Got a heater on the fritz?  An air conditioner that isn’t cool anymore?  Alpha Energy Solutions will take a look at it, free of charge.  And when a company has enough money to bankroll the owner’s son’s racing career, you know for SURE that you won’t be overcharged.

98 Grant Enfinger The Best of the Mike Curb Congregation Boxed Set—The geniuses behind "It's a Small World" available on 8-track or cassette!

MID-PACK CRATE PACK—These drivers will contend for top-tens, and could surprise you with an occasional chance for a victory.
33 Kaz Grala 24 Hours of Daytona rubber ball—One of the youngest drivers in the Truck Series was also THE youngest driver in the 2017 Rolex 24 Hours of Daytona.  You can get a 12’’ diameter compressed ball of authentic used rubber from his car—marbles pressed-together for your enjoyment.  Makes the perfect paperweight or fire-hazard.
"All I ever heard growing up from my
mother is 'Why can't you be more like
Todd Braun?'"

24 Justin Haley authentic WinFuel package—The perfect gift for any NBS 24/7 fan, WinFuel packs delivered to your home in perfect condition—like they were never sold at all!  Order now and get them delivered personally by Todd Braun!

18 Noah Grigson Kyle Busch Hendrick Motorsports gear—You may not know much about Noah Grigson, but you probably DO know plenty about his team owner, Kyle Busch.  Know even more with a collection of apparel from his Hendrick Motorsports days!  WARNING—may come with “90% OFF Please for the love of God just buy this” stickers.

13/98 ThorSport 1st-to-Know Status—Are you one of the four or five hardcore fans of the Nascar Camping World Truck Series?  Do you actually care who will wind up driving as a teammate of Matt Crafton?  Well, here’s your chance to impress your frien—er, people who tolerate you.  Duke Thorn will personally call you the moment he decides who will be in his truck(s) for 2017—finally, a chance to scoop Jayski!

BACK OF THE FIELD CRATE—The usual collection of underfunded teams, undertalented drivers, and the underprepared.
11 Brett Moffitt(?) Moffitt Tuffets—Will Brett Moffitt be back in this truck again?  Who knows—but if he is, be prepared with your very own authentic Moffitt Tuffet.  Curds and Whey sold separately.
81 Ryan Truex good luck charms—Four-leaf clovers, upside-down horseshoes, dollar bills with lots of 7’s in the serial numbers, all for you!  And hey, maybe you can give a few to a certain brother of yours, too.
The first to do it gets celebrated--the
second gets fined
02 Tyler Young Hermie Sadler career retrospective VHS.  Its 57 minutes of heart-pounding action as the third or fourth best driver to pilot an 02-numbered car in Nascar goes from local star to national also-ran.  Also available on Laserdisc.
66 Jordan Anderson PR rep for a day—That’s right—YOU can be Jordan Anderson’s public relations representative for the day of your choice.  And don’t think its an easy job—YOU try saying that he’s looking at Cup racing opportunities with a straight face!
? Jennifer Jo Cobb’s cellphone—Perfect for calling your team owner and telling him you’re not going to start and park today.
22 & 44 Austin Wayne Self and Tommy Joe Martins—see entry for John Hunter Nemechek

52 Stewart Friesen mystery board game--Who is this mysterious Canadian?  Play the Stewart Friesen Mystery Board Game and find out, eh?