Sunday, February 21, 2016

In Honor of First Daytona 500, Nascar Withholds Results

In the first race ever held at the world’s first motorsports stadium (whatever THAT means), Nascar decided to echo its illustrious past at Daytona International Speedway by withholding today’s Daytona 500 results until a conclusive picture of the finish can be found.
The finish of the first Daytona 500, with
Lee Petty edging out Johnny Beauchamp;
the lapped car of Mark Martin also shown
“Much like my grandfather did in 1959, we have decided that today’s Daytona 500 finish was simply too-close-to-call”, said Nascar chairman Brian France.  “We are putting out requests for fans to send in any pictures they may have, and that means PICTURES, people, not comments about how much DW sucks.
“We were so proud that we were able to put on such a great race at the world’s first motorsports stadium today”, France continued.  “But we don’t want to just give the race to The Guy Who Had Knee Surgery—er, I mean, Denny Hamlin—without confirming it first.”
France later added that still-shots from the Fox broadcast were “inconclusive at best”.
“We value all of our broadcast partners, but we don’t really know if we can trust Fox’s information”, France explained.  “I mean, they showed Martin Truex as being married—what was THAT all about?”
Fans seemed to be angry that no winner was declared, particularly Hamlin sponsor Michael Jordan, who was said to have upwards of $10 million on the race.
“The thing we care about the most is our fans”, France said.  “From day one, this track has been about the money—er, I mean, fans—and that’s not going to change even with it becoming the world’s first motorsports stadium.”

France then left the track for his late-afternoon nap.  Reportedly pace car driver John Cena had a conclusive picture, but Brian France ignored him, being unable to see him.