Sunday, August 17, 2014

SummerSlam, Nascar-Style

In honor of the WWF/E/Whatever SummerSlam event tonight, here's a look at Nascar's SummerSlam (NOTE: Drivers must stay in the ring after being slammed, unless the ring is on fire).

Dark Matches (not televised, aka Fox Sports 2)
Nationwide Series Kyle Busch vs. Truck Series Kyle Busch--Mirror/Mirror match, winner goes home with Samantha
"Texas" Terry Labonte vs. "I'm from Texas too, guys" Bobby Labonte--winner avoids obscurity for another week

Sunday Night Deep Heating (preliminary matches)
"Jumpin'" Jeffrey Earnhardt vs. "Flyin'" Brian Keselowski--forgotten family member match
"Hot Wheels" Kyle Petty vs. "Keystone Light" Wally Dallenbach Jr.--winner doesn't have to dye Rick Allen's hair

Championship Matches
WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: "Dirty" Danica Patrick vs. Kasey "Kandy" Kahne (although both come into this match with lengthy losing streaks
AUSTRALIAN CHAMPIONSHIP: "Mad" Marcos Ambrose vs. Will "The Thrill" Power--Marcos has Paul Hogan in his corner, while Will has Stone Cold Steve Austin in his
TRUCK SERIES CHAMPIONSHIP: Johnny "God Bless America" Sauter vs. Matt "Menards" Crafton--teammates collide!  Special Guest Referee: Thor
NATIONWIDE SERIES CHAMPIONSHIP: "Rebound" Regan Smith vs. Chase "No, that's not a nickname" Elliott vs. Elliott "Not Chase" Sadler--triple-threat match!
TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: Cup Series Kyle Busch & "Dangerous" Denny Hamlin vs. "Concrete" Carl Edwards & Greg "The Biff" Biffle--will the Roush duo stay together through the end of the match?
ROOKIE CHAMPIONSHIP: "Bullseye" Kyle Larson vs. Austin "The Cowboy" Dillon--well, technically this is a triple threat match, but we're going to assume that Justin Allgaier will get caught in someone's wreck on the way there.
CUP HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: "Ol' 4 Time" Jeff Gordon vs. "Six Pack" Jimmie Johnson--Teacher vs. Student!  90's vs. 00's!  Guy people used to hate vs. Guy people hate now!