Monday, August 27, 2012

Living in a Cereal World, and I am a Cereal Girl--er, I mean, Guy

On Saturday I went shopping at my local Target store and found the strangest thing.  No, not the Tony Stewart Workout Tape.  This:

Yes, its Kellogg's Vrooms cereal.  The only cereal endorsed by Scott Dixon, Dario Franchitti, AND Juan Pablo Montoya!  Now, I'm not sure if it comes with a miniature Jet-Dryer inside, or if you can mail away for a mediocre Ashley Judd movie, but I'm guessing its the start of a new trend.  Just think of the possibilities!

Jeff Burton's Cereal Runners-Up:  The perfect cereal for the consumer who contends for the championship in life, but always seems to come up short.  WARNING--some product may have expired in 2009.  Eating said-expired product may result in side-effect of talking like Ward.

Ol' Five Time's Gray Oatmeal:  The boring, calm, consistent choice for the constant winner in your life.  Comes complete with five unique shapes:  Circle, Sphere, Globe, Round, and Circle.  Be sure to sprinkle with Ol' Five Time's Crew Chief Sugar Suprirse, for when you want to CHEAT on your diet.

Start n' Parkers:  Some days you wake up at the crack of 11:30am and just don't want to face your customer service job.  Well, before you go back to bed, have a full serving (one spoonful) of Start n' Parkers!  You'll be calling in sick with a "vibration" in no-time!

Dinger Tablets:  The best source of energy in the world!

Kurt Busch's Generic Racing-Based Cereal:  Unable to find a distributor to sponsor its development, Kurt has chosen to release this independent cereal through such esteemed retailers as Ames and Jamesway.  Promising all the "full-flavored racing-based excitement" of the leading racing-based cereal, its perfect for millionaires who've destroyed their professional lives.

Dillon Brothers' Frosted Cowboy Hats:  Young?  Successful?  Popular?  Well, just try some cowboy hats on for size--you'll be looking like an idiot in no time!

Mark Martin's 100% Bran:  Perfect for the elderly racer in your family.  This will have him "moving" faster than a sponsor leaves Roush Racing!