FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
from Turn 5 Public Relations and DingerRaceCo
At 6pm today, I, AJ Allmendinger, was suspended indefinitely from tonight's Coke Zero 400. I have only one single excuse: If it wasn't for drugs, there would have been no way to survive "rock" band Train's pre-race concert.
Typically, when Nascar does one of these pre-race concerts, you can hear the music throughout the facility. I've tried listening to Train's, um, "music", before without the aid of any mind-altering drugs. Sadly, the last time I did so sober, I wound up so despondent that I drank a quart of bourbon, then attempted to drive my car, resulting in a DUI.
Since then I've worked with a sports psychologist to improve my tolerance for Train, and thought I was making progress. Then, their latest album came out. And while I love Eric McClure as much as the next guy, the lyric "Hefty bag of hope" made me want to ram my head into a wall until I lost consciousness.
I know that drug use is against the rules in Nascar, and for that I apologize. But without my "medicine", I would have posed an even bigger threat to my competitors during the race, trying to pilot a stock car at 200mph while "Hey Soul Sister" ran through my head.
I only ask that I be given the chance to run the rest of the season without terrible FM-friendly music before the race. With that guarantee, I can prove to the public that I can race sober, all the way to a 17th place finish.