Rowan "Mr. Bean" Atkinson, disappointed that no one will tell him about the qualifying results for the F1 race.
With wall-to-wall Olympic coverage swarming your TV, you might wonder how Nascar can compete. Well, besides NOT being on NBC, Nascar has the advantage of staging its first-ever athletics competition--the Nascar Summer Olympics (live from Loudon!). Here's a look at the Event Calendar:
Marchery--Competition to see who can combine a lucky finish at Daytona, smart pit strategy at Phoenix, and a solid race at California to wind up in the top 10 in points in the month of March.
Bradminton--Brad Keselowski quizzes competitors on the truly difficult questions: Can a sport built on sponsorship ever be "too commercial", Has the safety revolution removed the old-fashioned danger from the sport, and Can you spell his last name.
Basket-Tall--All of Nascar's drivers over 6 feet tall (all three of 'em) compete to reach the basket on the top shelf in Brian France's office (he thinks it has chocolate in it…or maybe some Ring Dings).
Foxing--Entrants have less than 24-hours to put on a Nascar on Fox-style broadcast, with only a TV camera, two microphones, and a Waltrip.
Diving--The fine art of obeying team orders without admitting to obeying team orders. Athletes are judged on their ability to "Switch to Channel 2" and "Biffle".
Moodo--Two men enter. One man exits. And did we mention that one of the men is Kurt Busch in a terrible mood?
Modern Pentastar--If YOU can guess who Dodge goes with in 2013, YOU get to be one of the satellite teams. (WARNING--Robby Gordon is NOT ALLOWED in this competition).
Synchronized Smiling--The famous "Hat Dance" done after each win is finally made into a competition. Special Guest Judge: Bill Broderick.
TaekwonJoe--In this game of speed and skill, you try to qualify your car, start the race, park with a "vibration", and cash your check.
Wallyball--Basically its normal volleyball, but the competitors must deal with the uninterested monotone droning of Wally Dallenbach Jr. as an analyst. First contestant to fall asleep loses.
Waitlifting--Competitors do everything legal (and whatever illegal that they can get away with) to end some of Nascar's longest winless streaks. This year's theme--Help Out Your Cousin.
100-Liter Hurdles--Contestants attempt to jump over all the bottles of sodas, energy drinks, and other liquids consumed by drivers in post-race interviews.
Menardathon--Some of the sport's best distance runners try to go 26.2 miles with really pointy sideburns.