Sunday, August 13, 2017

Nascar SummerSlam 2017: The Hottest Non-Throwback Party of the Summer

Here’s a rundown of Nascar’s annual summertime slam-fest, SummerSlam
(Card Subject to Change)

Christopher Bell vs. Noah Gragson—winner gets a part-time Xfinity Series ride with JGR once Kyle Busch throws his hissy fit and shuts down KBM

Main-Show: Preliminary Matches
Kurt Busch vs. Matt Kenseth—retirement match

Jeff Burton vs. Steve Letarte—loser gets relegated to Xfinity Series coverage once Dale Jr. arrives

Back of the Pack Fury Match—Landon Cassill, David Ragan, Danica Patrick, Aric Almirola, Corey Lajoie, INSERT #83 DRIVER HERE, Reed Sorenson, and Matty Di compete in a no holds barred brawl for the most-coveted prize in racing—a solid multi-race sponsorship

Jamie McMurray vs. Trevor Bayne—forgotten teammate match

Championship Matches
Intercontinental Championship Match—Daniel Suarez vs. some random Canadian fan picked at random from the Watkins Glen crowd

Tag Team Triple Threat Championship Match—The Kolorado Kids (Martin Truex Jr. & Erik Jones) vs. The Penske File (Brad Keselowski & Joey Logano) vs. Team JGR (Kyle Busch & Denny Hamlin)

World Championship Match—Kyle Larson vs. Jimmie Johnson (with “Starmaker” Sammy Straker) in a Panic Button Rules Match