Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Jimmie Johnson Given Obnoxious Pro Wrestling Manager to Boost Public Image

Longtime Nascar superstar Jimmie Johnson has won seven Cup Series championships, countless races, and yet still remains one of the most-successful drivers around without a discernible fan base.  Hendrick Motorsports hopes to remedy that with the addition of “Starmaker” Sammy Straker, a well-known professional wrestling manager on the independent circuit.
Selfie of "Starmaker" Sammy
Straker taken in a Hendrick
Motorsports bathroom
“Hahaha, its 2017, and the Nascar world is finally gonna get a taste of what the Starmaker has bakin’ in the oven for Jimmie Johnson!”, Straker said upon being introduced pre-race at Pocono Raceway.  “Jimmie’s already got the gold—seven championships.  He’s got the money—solid sponsorship and an iron-clad contract.  Well now he’s gonna be a STAR, thanks to the Starmaker himself, Sammy Straker!”
Johnson, seated next to the screaming Straker at the press conference, appeared uncomfortable for the duration, though when asked to speak on the new relationship, he was complimentary.
“Well, I’m proud of everything I’ve accomplished here in Nascar”, Johnson said while Straker stood next to him, punctuating Johnson’s comments with spastic finger pointing.  “I’ve never been one to toot my own horn, and maybe that’s why we don’t have the rabid following that a Dale Jr. or a Matt Kenseth has.  I’m hoping that having Mr. Straker here will let me keep my focus on the driving side of things, and he can focus on some of our fan-base building initiatives.”
“‘Fan-base building initiatives’?!?”, Straker interjected, stealing the microphone away.  “Oh no, we’re not about toeing the company line here with the Starmaker—we’re all about getting in those fans’ faces, and making them REALIZE that they are in the presence of greatness each and every time Jimmie sites in that race car!”
Little is known about Straker’s personal or professional life, although his pro-wrestling managerial career is well-documented online.  Most-recently Straker worked simultaneously for First State Wrestling Alliance under his traditional “Starmaker” character, while also moonlighting as the masked “El Managerio” for the Philadelphia-based Lucha Launchpad Legion.