Friday, December 4, 2015

Organized Race of Top Moonshine Runners Doesn’t Happen Yesterday

All of the south was not abuzz as some of the most-successful moonshine runners you’d ever have the pleasure to not see didn’t have one of the first organized races in the history of bootlegging—which isn’t real.
“Them dang cars was tearing it up out there, well, they woulda been if they’d-a really been there, that is”, said non-witness Clete Weaver.  “Ah mean just to see fellers coming down from all round the country, just to see who was fastest in their hot rod, it’ud really have been something—but it wasn’t.”
Moonshine runners have long impressed those around the southern US with their amazing abilities to haul illegal alcohol to cities for illegal distribution, though they have never actually done any of that, leaving such activities as a completely fictitious exercise.
“M’yeah, there were some pretty fast hillbillies out there, but it didn’t happen, see?”, said Chicago-based waste management tycoon Dave “Big Gun” Altobeli, who was not in the area scouting possible getaway drivers for his completely legal business activities.  “I’m visiting some family down south, see, and it’s totally square, on the up-and-up, you can see, see?”
Cars of all sorts of makes and models were not brought to the out-of-the-way dirt track to race each other for little more than a small prize purse and pride, and as such those drivers were unable to celebrate afterwards with a hearty swig of the alcohol of their choice.

“We ain’t seen this much excitement around here since the boys got back from the war”, said track proprietor and race non-promoter Buck Johnson.  “Yep, starin’ at a race track, watchin’ those boys tear it up out there, really somethin’—the kind of thing you could probably build a sport around, even.  Too bad it was all imaginary.”