Saturday, December 26, 2015

Tim Flock Wins Championship; Jocko Flocko Storms Victory Lane

A controversial scene erupted in victory lane after today’s NASCAR stock car race at Orange Speedway, with season’s champion Tim Flock winning, then being attacked by former co-driver and longtime former business partner Jocko Flocko, a rhesus monkey.
File Photo
“What th—get this damned thing off of me!”, Flock was heard screaming as the primate scratched and clawed at his face.  “You’re the one who screwed up in ’53, go back to the past where you belong, you chimp!”
Flocko, who competed in a handful of races in 1953 with Flock, was let go by the team after costing the human Flock a win at Raleigh.  Since then, rumors have swirled about Flocko’s fragile mental state, as well as possible moneys owed to him by Flock, Flock’s team, and a number of suppliers.
“We had a deal, dummy!”, Flock yelled while getting himself into a boxing stance, squaring-off with the monkey.  “You signed the contract, you agreed to be paid in bananas, you took that position at the zoo and that was a violation of the legacy clause.  You have NO RIGHT to the team, NO RIGHT to the car, and NO RIGHT to be throwing rocks at our garage every night!  MOVE ON!”
Flocko was unavailable for comment, as he is a monkey, and unable to speak.  However, he has retained a Charlotte-area attorney to speak on his behalf.
“My client is not asking for anything more than what he is entitled to, by contract and by moral obligation”, the lawyer stated later that day.  “As a co-driver, he was due 50% of the driver’s winnings, but 25% of the owner’s winnings, which were deferred into an escrow account which would allow him to buy into the team itself in the future.  Mr. Flocko has much of his assets tied up this way, and without either releasing them—or allowing him to sell his interest—he is close to destitute.  He has already mortgaged his cage at the zoo, and is worried he might be on the street if no resolution is found.  Mr. Flock refused to answer our repeated telegrams and letters, so we had no choice but to reach him here at the track.”

The zoo was also unavailable for comment.