Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Cereal Racers

Does it taste like asphalt?
Earlier I broke the news that Timmy Hill would be endorsing Crispy Hexagons.  But why let the Timster have all the fun?  Here’s cereals that each and every Cup driver can endorse!

Jamie McMurray: Alpha-Bits—great when you were younger, but now you forget they’re still around.

Brad Keselowski: French Toast Crunch—doesn’t really fit in.

Austin Dillon: Pac-Man—just a well-known brand put on something mediocre.

Kevin Harvick: Rice Krispies—Snap(s off a great run), Crackle(s his car into the wall), Pop(s you in the mouth).

Kasey Kahne: Honey Smacks—pale imitation of the better one.

Trevor Bayne: Mr. T Cereal—popular way back when, now you can’t figure out why.

Alex Bowman: Coco Roos—all the driver at 50% of the cost, in a nondescript plain package.

Sam Hornish Jr.: Croonchy Stars—no idea why it exists.

Danica Patrick: Special K—gets great promotion but is ultimately a bit disappointing.

Denny Hamlin: All-Bran—makes the, um, ‘delivery’ quicker than FedEx.
For the full IndyCar experience, eat
while nobody is watching.

Casey Mears: King Vitaman—still hanging on despite a lack of promotion.

Tony Stewart: Marshmallow-Blasted Froot Loops—a good idea at first, but starts to hurt you later on.

Clint Bowyer: Oops! All Berries—in honor of the most-honest answer Clint could’ve given after the Richmond debacle.

Greg Biffle: Nutri-Grain—gets the job done (serve in a deteriorating bowl).

Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: orange juice, milk, toast, and fruit—as in, “part of this complete breakfast”.

Eddie Munster?
Kyle Busch: Quisp—only seems to be liked by weirdos.

Carl Edwards: Product 19—of course, unless they make a Subway cereal.

Matt Kenseth: Corn Flakes—preferrably dry.

Joey Logano: Golden Crisp—although JGR showed that they could get enough of that Golden Crisp.

Jeff Gordon: Total—you hated it before, but now you want to see it survive.

Paul Menard: Cookie Crisp—it’s rich.  Very VERY rich.

Ryan Newman: Mini-Wheats—versatile, efficient, but occasionally hard to swallow.

David Gilliland: Marshmallow Mateys—you think you bought it once before.
"OK, make sure the portrait makes
it look like he has no arms and has
a car coming out of his stomach.

Kurt Busch: Kaboom—limited availability.

Kyle Larson: Reese’s Puffs—seem good, but the execution is lacking.

Aric Almirola: Kashi—you can’t help but think that it would do better with a better company behind it.

Michael Annett: Eggo Cereal—it’s just there.

AJ Allmendinger: Christmas Crunch—only good about once a year.

Jimmie Johnson: Cheerios—dully delicious.

Justin Allgaier: whatever cereal uses Brandt genetically-modified crops

David Ragan: Life—Mikey likes it (…for now).

Martin Truex Jr.: Cocoa Puffs—they only look plain.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Cinnamon Toast Crunch—always popular.