Wednesday, June 21, 2017

“Welcome to Nascar Cup”—An Introductory Guide

They've come a long way from ripping off
RCR's number-style

...and The Wood Brothers' number-style
Rumors are spreading that GMS Racing, aka That Allegiant Team, could field a Cup team in 2018.  Thankfully Nascar corporate has produced an introductory guide to teams looking to enter the competitive highest level of Nascar racing, reproduced below:

Dear Future Team Owner

Hello, and welcome to the exciting world of Nascar Cup Racing (formerly Sprint Cup, Nextel Cup, Winston Cup, Grand National Cup, and Big Bill France’s Homestyle Potato Chips Cup).  Selection of such a method of fast-paced competition/tax dodge is one you will find competitive, challenging, but ultimately rewarding.  And by rewarding, we mean so in the evocative sense, as no profits are guaranteed by Nascar, ISC, or any of its partners.  With that out of the way, here’s some ways to determine if going Nascar Cup Racing is right for YOU:

—First off, are you John Cohen?  If so, please move on, as we have no desire to let you run another team with a bunch of X’s in the name into the ground.

—Next, are you prepared to make the necessary monetary investment into the sport needed to compete on a regular basis?  If not, are you prepared to make the necessary monetary investment to be a laughing stock on a regular basis?

—Its been said that the only way to make a small fortune in racing is to start with a large one.  With that being said, are you willing to keep up this facade while you use your race team to funnel money from other operations to friends and family members at lower tax rates?

—Nascar’s team charter system has revolutionized the way our teams do business.  If you are looking to acquire a charter, are you willing to have a conversation with man whose middle name is “St.”?

—Are you in this for the long-haul?  Your team manager’s kid isn’t going to wind up in a top-level ride on his own, you know.

—And finally, are you willing to pour seemingly endless money and resources into a sport controlled by a single man whose idea of improving fan engagement is by constantly introducing new ideas that fans almost universally hate?  (this is an important one)

We hope that this has helped you make up your mind.  If you’re willing to make the sacrifices and commitments to our sport, we’ll see you at Daytona.  And if not, we’ll leak information that you’ve reneged on entering the sport, allowing our fans to hate you for years and years.

(sign name here)
(print name here)