Sunday, August 21, 2016

Man Shames Nascar, Bristol by Leaving Race Early

"The weather didn't cooperate--I'm gonna
go write something pissy online!"

Ryan Kynlyn of Glenelg, Maryland committed a mortal sin in the eyes of Nascar fans today, leaving the grounds of Bristol Motor Speedway in order to make it home by the end of the weekend.  By selfishly focusing on such trivialities as “work” and “life”, he shamed the names of both Bristol AND Nascar Nation.
“Bristol always does the most for its fans, whether it means spending millions to create the unique slogan ‘It’s Bristol, Baby’, or employing dozens of employees to throw their nonexistent weight around, so to hear about a fan leaving early after a weather delay is stunning”, said Bristol Motor Speedway spokesperson Christina Marsh.  “For a so-called fan to leave early, rather than readjusting their whole week on the chance that we could get the race in the next day is beyond our comprehension.”
Bruton's bounty
“Nascar fans are some of the most-loyal in the world”, Marsh explained, “and we are the most-loyal to them.  So why this Nascar fan couldn’t get a nearby hotel room at nearly double the normal rate, or wait at the track while our part-time security guards bossed them around the grounds, I just don’t get it.  We are as loyal as possible to Nascar, and would NEVER stray.  By the way, tickets are still available to the upcoming Battle at Bristol football game.”
Those who had sat next to Kynlyn during the 38 laps of green-flag racing on Saturday Night heard him murmuring about “a six-hour drive home without traffic”, as well as “really needing to avoid calling out sick for work” on Monday morning, all of which are known to be non-valid reasons to leave any race early.
“Nascar fans are the greatest in the world!” said track chairman O. Bruton Smith from the Bruton Smith Tower on Bruton Smith Blvd. in Charlotte.  “…and Bristol fans are the greatest in the greatest ever!  This guy must not be a real fan!  I’m putting a bounty on the head of this so-called ‘fan’, anybody who brings him to me will get a cash prize AND win a date with Miss Z-Max!”

Kynlyn was unavailable for comment, as he was last seen sitting in endless traffic on I-81.