Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Spade Racing's Back to School Guide

All across America, kids, teenagers, and slow adults are going back to school this week.  As someone who got picked-on from Kindergarten till, well, graduation, I know how hard it can be for our nation's youth to fit-in.  That's why I've compiled a handy cross-reference guide to the various high school stereotypes for all you Nascar fans out there.  Take a look!

Jimmie Johnson--That popular kid who gets almost-all straight-A's, is on three different sports teams, has a cute girlfriend, and is secretly hated by everyone else.  Also rumored to be getting extra help from his tutor.

Clint Bowyer--The popular jock who's still nice to all the kids in the school, even the geekiest of them.  He's rumored to have scored a 1060 on his SAT's by simply answering "A-C-D-C" the whole way down.

Kevin Harvick--The guy who works almost full-time for his parents business, and as a result, nobody really knows that much about him.  He's said to be going to a really good college next year.

Carl Edwards
Carl Edwards--The star athlete who's getting a full-ride scholarship to the local state college.  Broke up with his hot girlfriend from the swimming club when she got "too crazy".

Kyle Busch--Spazzy honors student who freaks out whenever he gets a B.  Is inexplicably going steady with a hot college girl.

Matt Kenseth--Droll, dry wit helps this "new kid" fit in.  Supposedly he went to an engineering magnet school before transferring.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.--Wallflower.  No, seriously, he's Jakob Dylan.

Joey Logano--Former luminary from the "Gifted and Talented" program at the middle school, he's still a contender for Valedictorian, though he seems to do best at introductory courses.

Greg Biffle--Solid student, has some decent friends, but seems to kind of just blend into the background.  Works on the school's recycling program.

Kurt Busch--Disturbed kid who's going to his fourth high-school in as many years at this point.  Has season tickets to the local baseball team.

Jeff Gordon--Kid who's 18 but somehow looks 25 years old.  Rumored to be able to grow a mustache in a week.

Kasey Kahne--Kid who's 18 but somehow looks 11 years old.  Unstable home life.

Martin Truex Jr.--The Guy With the Beard.  Seems to know a lot about fishing.  Always helps other students out when they need their car battery jumped.

Ryan Newman
Ryan Newman--Bitter math wiz who's constantly talking about how much better things will be next year when he gets out of this town.

Brad Keselowski--Activist who's constantly railing against injustice.  Has an older brother who made a bunch of the stuff in shop class.

Jamie McMurray--Won the school spelling bee AND geography bee in 7th grade, but hasn't done much since.  Flight-certified.

Paul Menard--The Rich Kid.  Has had the same sideburns since freshman year.

Aric Almirola--Nice guy, real personable, but for some reason he always smells sort of like bacon.

Juan Pablo Monotya--Transferred in after spending a few years in Europe with his family.  Apparently went to elementary school in Indiana while his parents went through a bitter divorce.

Marcos Ambrose--The Guy With the Accent.  Calls all his friends "Stanley" for some reason.

Ricky Stenhouse Jr.--Wears a cowboy hat everywhere he goes.  Works part-time at Best Buy and can get you a pretty good deal on computer speakers.

Jeff Burton--Class President.  Loves watching CAT videos online.

Tony Stewart
Tony Stewart--Broke his leg in a sprint race over the summer and has been stuck at home ever since.

Casey Mears--Family has been going to this school for generations.  Has a pet gecko.

David Ragan--Still best-known for his surprise winning entry in the school talent show this year.  No one knew he could replicate a train whistle so well.

Denny Hamlin--On a slew of sports teams, but is always injured.  Seems to be the only student who doesn't like the cool, wisecracking ponytailed English teacher.

Danica Patrick--Computer-science geek who is the object of every male computer-science geek's affections.

David Gilliland--Night-manager at the local fast-food joint.

Mark Martin--Transferred-in late in his senior year.  Seems to have been held back a lot.

Dave Blaney--Quiet, introverted loner who nobody knows much of anything about.  Rumored to be a big Ohio State fan.

David Stremme--Pretty-boy who has a last-name none of the substitute teachers can ever pronounce.

Bobby Labonte--"Dude, did you hear what happened to Bobby last week?  He was on his motorcycle and, like, beat up about 12 Hell's Angels, man!  Yeah, he had his whole ribcage broken open!"