Sunday, March 24, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Tony Stewart Suspended for Next Week's Race

After his actions post-race at Auto Club Speedway, Nascar has announced that driver/owner Tony Stewart has been barred from Nascar competition for the following week.
"Mr. Stewart's actions were, in a word, not acceptable", said Nascar Chairman/Ke$ha fan Brian France.  "We hold all of our drivers to the highest standards, and we will have no problem keeping Tony out of ALL of Nascar's on-track activities next week."
"What the hell do you think I was mad about?" said an obviously irate Tony Stewart while walking to his hauler.  "The dumb little son of a (female dog) runs us straight into the infield, he wants to (female dog) about everybody else, he's the one who drives like a little (cat), I'm gonna bust his (donkey).  I mean come on--he was driving like ME out there, and I'm a totally hypocritical (donkey)!"
Stewart's suspension is not the first one meted out in recent years by Nascar.  Driver Brad Keselowski was suspended for eight weeks after appearing drunk on camera after last year's race at Homestead.  Similarly, a number of drivers have been preemptively suspended for the week before the Brickyard in anticipation of putting on an incredibly dull race.
"Tony will have to sit at home and think about what he's done", France added.  "Nascar will not tolerate a driver cursing up a storm OR attacking another driver half his size.  Well, come to think of it, Tony might be three-times Joey (Logano)'s size after he gets through with his Easter candy."
France also said that Nascar will be investigating allegations that Joe Gibbs Racing helped Kyle Busch win today's race by changing all the calendars to read "SATURDAY".