2012 Nascar Summer Olympics

Rowan "Mr. Bean" Atkinson, disappointed that no one will tell him about the qualifying results for the F1 race.

With wall-to-wall Olympic coverage swarming your TV, you might wonder how Nascar can compete.  Well, besides NOT being on NBC, Nascar has the advantage of staging its first-ever athletics competition--the Nascar Summer Olympics (live from Loudon!).  Here's a look at the Event Calendar:

Marchery--Competition to see who can combine a lucky finish at Daytona, smart pit strategy at Phoenix, and a solid race at California to wind up in the top 10 in points in the month of March.

Bradminton--Brad Keselowski quizzes competitors on the truly difficult questions:  Can a sport built on sponsorship ever be "too commercial", Has the safety revolution removed the old-fashioned danger from the sport, and Can you spell his last name.

Basket-Tall--All of Nascar's drivers over 6 feet tall (all three of 'em) compete to reach the basket on the top shelf in Brian France's office (he thinks it has chocolate in it…or maybe some Ring Dings).

Foxing--Entrants have less than 24-hours to put on a Nascar on Fox-style broadcast, with only a TV camera, two microphones, and a Waltrip.

Diving--The fine art of obeying team orders without admitting to obeying team orders.  Athletes are judged on their ability to "Switch to Channel 2" and "Biffle".

Moodo--Two men enter.  One man exits.  And did we mention that one of the men is Kurt Busch in a terrible mood?

Modern Pentastar--If YOU can guess who Dodge goes with in 2013, YOU get to be one of the satellite teams.  (WARNING--Robby Gordon is NOT ALLOWED in this competition).

Synchronized Smiling--The famous "Hat Dance" done after each win is finally made into a competition.  Special Guest Judge:  Bill Broderick.

TaekwonJoe--In this game of speed and skill, you try to qualify your car, start the race, park with a "vibration", and cash your check.

Wallyball--Basically its normal volleyball, but the competitors must deal with the uninterested monotone droning of Wally Dallenbach Jr. as an analyst.  First contestant to fall asleep loses.

Waitlifting--Competitors do everything legal (and whatever illegal that they can get away with) to end some of Nascar's longest winless streaks.  This year's theme--Help Out Your Cousin.

100-Liter Hurdles--Contestants attempt to jump over all the bottles of sodas, energy drinks, and other liquids consumed by drivers in post-race interviews.

Menardathon--Some of the sport's best distance runners try to go 26.2 miles with really pointy sideburns.

Post-Race Burnout Most Exciting Part of Race

After a race at the Crown Royal presents the Curtiss Shaver 400 powered by Some Record Company at the Brickyard, all the fans and media alike could talk about was the exciting action on-track as Jimmie Johnson performed his post-race burnout.

"Man, that was one HECK of a burnout", said race fan Lyn Wood.  "I was glad I was able to get tickets here, and with lots of room to spread out!  It was a pretty long preliminary, but the burn-out was worth the price of admission."

"Days like this are what its all about", said race-winning crew chief Chad Knaus.  "To be able to do a burnout at such a historic track is what you compete for.  I didn't know if we'd hold onto the burnout, even with that huge lead, because you never know what's gonna happen when you spin your tires at Indy."

"RICK MEARS!", said Nascar announcer Allen Bestwick.  "What a burnout!  Rick Mears was his hero!  Rick Mears!  Rick Mears!"

This was Jimmie Johnson's fourth burnout at Indy, as well as the 10th consecutive burnout by a Chevy.  Johnson also continued the dominance of Rick Hendrick at the track, at least until points are taken away for failing post-burnout inspection.

"Seeing a burnout like this makes all the failure and enemies worthwhile", former IMS chairman Tony George said from his home.  "I knew when we brought stock cars here in the 90's, we could have great burnouts.  Its nice to see me proven right for once."

Brickyard "News" and Notes

--Hey, Allmendinger fans:  Don't take it so hard.  Just think of it as AJ running one less lap than Joe Nemechek.

--Jeremy Mayfield says that he chose to fight his own positive drug test because, "I wasn't going to sit there and be a puppet no more."  Yeah, because having spent most of your adult life schilling for corporate sponsors does NOT make you a puppet.

--I like to think I know all the drivers, but I've never even HEARD of the guy in the 49 car this weekend.  And what kind of name is "TBA" anyways?

--I saw Danica Patrick being interviewed by Katie Couric on ESPN a few days ago.  Given that Johanna Long gets about 1/1,000,000th of the attention that Danica gets, she should be interviewed by someone with 1/1,000,000th of the respect as Katie Couric, right?  But HOW do I get in contact with her?

--Nascar's TV ratings may be impacted by the Summer Olympics.  Because really, the Badminton and motorsports demographics are identical.