Kyle Busch Fined $5,000 for Blading on Live TV

Nascar reacted swiftly to the controversy post-race today, fining Kyle Busch $5,000 for intentionally “blading” on live tv.

“Cruise Control can’t save him now”, said Nascar President Mike “Jack Tunney” Helton.  “Kyle dove into the 22 crew then was clearly seen mashing his wrist into his forehead.  Its obvious that he was hiding an exacto blade there, and he drew blood on himself for effect.”

Fans have criticized Nascar for not allowing things such as blood, swearing, and nudity in the PG (Post-Gary Bradberry) Era, in which fines such as this one have become the norm.

“We’re all for the excitement of the track, the battles of the superstars, and more, but we draw the line at drawing the ‘crimson mask’”, Helton said.  “This isn’t the late-90’s anymore, and our drivers need to realize that.”

Fans seemed to enjoy the fracas (blood or not), feeling that it was high time that Joey Logano made a “face turn”.

Cruise Control Discussed as Solution for Pit Road Speeding Penalties

Just as successful, too!

In concert with their “Let’s change everything again” initiative for 2017, Nascar has announced that they will explore adding cruise control mechanisms to Cup Series cars later this year.

“We’ve seen and heard drivers, crew chiefs, and fans complaining about the number of pit road penalties so far this year for speeding, and we think we’ve found a solution”, said Nascar Chairman Brian France.  “I was driving to the store to get some more pens to throw at the ceiling yesterday and it hit me—why not just use cruise control?”

As proposed, the system will act much the same as cruise control does for a passenger car, with two separate buttons, one for activation, and one for setting the proper speed.

“We’re confident that our manufacturer partners will be able to transfer this simple technology from their street cars to what we run on the track”, France said.  “And you know there’ll be plenty of drama from drivers who forget to engage the system but try to set the speed—I do that a few times overtime I make my yearly drive to the track!”

Driver and crew chief opinion remains unknown as the change was announced during the Kobalt 400 Cup Series race.  However, Nascar on Fox broadcaster weighed-in with his opinion.

“I think you’ll see drivers have an easier tiiiiime monitoring their speed by the time we get back to Daytona in JUU-ly”, McReynolds said.  “Of course, this could be easily solved by putting a speedometer in the car, but of course we cannot do that in these cars because REASONS.”

Uncle Max: Las Vegas Weekend Picks

For years I’ve been the only writer here at Spade Racing, but as of this year, that all changes.  They say that gambling is the national pastime, and that everybody’s uncle is a Nascar fan.  Well, we’re combining the two as my Uncle Max, gambling expert extraordinaire and longtime assistant manager at big box stores region-wide, will provide insight in analysis into the world of Nascar gambling for every Cup race this year.  And now, without further adieu, UNCLE MAX!!!

So I had to miss the Cup race this past Sunday—the big bosses were coming in from corporate this past week and I had to come in on Sunday afternoon to make the store look nice and pretty.  I caught a little bit of it on the radio during my break time but it sounds like I didn’t miss much.  Er, I mean, it sounds like I missed a really exciting race—boy, this Nascar thing sure is action packed!

I’m glad to say I was home on Saturday and got to see my first-ever correct pick—Kyle Busch in the Xfinity race!  And I’m sure I’d have gone 2 for 2 on the day if it wasn’t for him wrecking in the Truck race afterwards.  Oh well, you know what they say—you win some, you lose some, you die alone and they find your corpse a week later when the mailman says he smells something.

Anyways, here’s my picks for the upcoming race weekend at Las Vegas (wins in parenthesis):

Xfinity Series Boyd Gaming 300 (1 win): Kyle Busch—why argue with success?  By the way, that visit we had?  Let’s just say you’re looking at the newest recipient of a $5 gas gift card.

Cup Series Kobalt 400: OK, so here’s how I pick Cup races—I’ll give you a favorite (self-explanatory), a next-favorite (in case someone else in your pick ‘em pool has already picked the favorite), and a dark horse if you’re feeling adventurous.  FAVORITE—Jimmie Johson—its an in-house win for the company race.  NEXT FAVORITE—Kyle Busch—would he consider winning two races in a weekend a disappointment?  DARK HORSE—Ryan Blaney—all the blue oval boys rejoice in their cars with smelly heating systems.